The Marriage Debate: Not Just About Marriage (or, Should Christians Be "Anti-Gay?")

Last updated on: July 24, 2013 at 6:00 am by Esther O’Reilly

The Marriage Debate: Not Just About Marriage (or, Should Christians Be "Anti-Gay?") 2013-07-24T06:00:02-04:00 Esther O’Reilly

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Last week, I posted some helpful responses to the court’s recent disastrous decisions on gay “marriage.” Unfortunately, I’ve also heard reactions from people who still think of themselves as coming down on the conservative side that could stand to be refined. What I specifically want to focus on today is the notion that we conservatives need to be super-careful to separate our opposition to gay “marriage” from being generally “anti-gay” (whatever this means, exactly). The idea is that it’s “unhelpful” and/or “divisive” to zoom out of this very narrow focus and begin addressing the larger sexual issues surrounding the marriage debate. I’m going to argue that this is pretty much impossible.

This is not just about gay “marriage.” This is about everything that constitutes “being gay” in the popularly understood sense of the word. This is about the entire cornucopia of romantic activities that are marriage’s natural precursors in a heterosexual context. We could easily come up with a list of things that may be sweet, innocent and even cute in that context while entirely off-limits in a homosexual context. How about:
youthful crushes
Valentines
ballroom dancing
hand-holding
kissing
dating
love songs
“noticing”
Let me pause to unpack that last one a bit more. While it’s true that there’s ultimately a sexual undercurrent to the fact that men and women tend to “notice” each other, I think we can all agree that there’s “noticing” and then there’s “noticing.” A girl can titter over a picture of Ryan Gosling without dreaming of getting pregnant by him, though obviously if she strays into the latter, she needs to stop and re-think. An honorable man can respectfully note that a girl is pretty without indulging sexual desire for her, though of course if a man’s natural desires take the form of out-of-control lust, he must take steps to curb them. Men and women are naturally wired to be attracted to each other, so of course we “notice” each other in something more than detached appraisal (as when heterosexuals acknowledge attractive members of the same gender). But merely appreciating feminine beauty in a distinctly masculine way (or vice versa) is not a sign that something’s wrong. When pursued biblically and wisely, it can lead to joyful, sanctified consummation. Yet there is no parallel category when it comes to homosexuality. Any kind of “noticing” is a sign that something’s wrong. While it’s highly controversial to say so, this is a consideration that should have an effect on a homosexual’s freedom of interaction in society.
For example, homosexuals have a duty to society not to trumpet their orientation wherever they go, e.g. by openly showing affection in public, expressing their attraction to members of the same gender, or deliberately behaving in a way that’s designed to provoke people by virtue of its “gayness.” There’s a reason why we feel it “in our gut” when we see a same-sex couple kissing, etc. in public. Recently I heard Todd Friel of Wretched Radio relate a personal anecdote about a lesbian couple who was doing just that in an airport. He threw out the question of why we respond in such a visceral way to this sin but not to most others. I wrote to their “ideas” address with the following answer (which Todd seemed to appreciate a lot when he wrote back to me).
It seems to me that another way of phrasing the question is “Are all sins equally bad, or are some sins worse than others?” I’m not sure whether this is a Reformed vs. non-Reformed thing, but it seems the traditional Reformed response would be that all sins are equally bad. My own response would be that they’re not, and I think there are some biblical texts you could go to that would support that conclusion. But let’s just narrow it down to the realm of heterosexual sin for a moment. Is it equally sinful for a young couple in love to commit fornication and for a man to repeatedly cheat on his wife with multiple women? I don’t think so. To be sure, fornication is a very serious sin, and the couple who commits it needs to repent. But I think the serial adulterer has committed an even greater sin. Not only is he having sex outside of marriage, he’s breaking an existing marriage covenant. A reader of this site gave me a helpful way to think of this a while ago, by creating a little table: Sex outside of marriage? Check. Breaking marriage vows? Check. You’ve got two check marks there, but only the first box is “checked” for the fornication only. And it’s different yet again if you’re talking about emotionless hook-ups. I believe coldly hooking up with whomever is a worse sin than committing fornication with one person whom you truly love. Once again, this is NOT an excuse for fornication under any circumstances! I’m just saying that while both are sins, you really can measure these things on a scale of evil, a scale of danger.

Now, bringing in homosexuality, let’s consider the act of pure homosexual fornication as compared with pure heterosexual fornication (not including adultery for clarity’s sake). Sex outside of marriage? Check. Crime against nature? Ah, there’s another check mark here, and a pretty significant one too. There’s a reason why all the things that are beautifully romantic in a heterosexual context are suddenly twisted and dark the minute we port them over to a homosexual context. When we react with an “Awwwww” to a love song, a kiss, an affectionate touch, a Valentine’s Day card, etc., etc., we’re expressing a basic truth about nature that’s, for lack of a better phrase, hard-wired into our guts. A man and a woman who love each other and have sex without getting married are sinning, but they’re sinning in a way that still acknowledges the natural complementarity of man and woman. A man and a man are violating that complementarity in addition to disregarding God’s mandate that sex must be reserved for marriage. (And obviously, this is the reason why we might well advise the first couple to get married, but we can’t give the same advice to the second couple. It is also the reason why Christians cannot support any union between homosexuals that essentially places them in the same legal position as a married couple, e.g. a civil union. Sadly, many otherwise conservative Christians still don’t understand this.)
This is what the “sin is sin” crowd, who can no more see a problem with introducing young children to the idea of homosexuality than heterosexuality, are at some level failing to grasp. Sure, they acknowledge that one shouldn’t provide graphic details. But the mere notion that “boys sometimes like other boys” or “girls sometimes like other girls?” Well, that’s just another fact of life that we shouldn’t bother hiding from our children. This is deeply misguided. Children’s innocence should be protected as long as possible. And if you say, “Well, good luck with that when it’s in the schools and all over TV,” then perhaps that’s just one more reason not to have television or send children to public school.
So, should Christians be “anti-gay?” In a manner of speaking, yes. No, we should not follow the example of the Fred Phelps crowd and go around holding signs saying that God hates [insert gay slur here]. But we should resist every possible attempt to normalize homosexual attraction, including in our theology. And we need to be clear-eyed about the progress of the homosexual agenda in America and all it entails, working to protect our children from it until they are mature enough to understand its implications.

Faith and Culture

Previous Post

July 23, 2013

Watch the Ball Brothers on Wretched TV

Next Post

July 26, 2013 Gaither's New Women of Homecoming Ventures Outside SG

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category 3 star 3.5 star 4 star 4.5 star Anatomy of a Song Behind the Songs Blog Stuff Book Reviews CCM CCM vs. SG CD Reviews Christians in Entertainment Christmas Essential 12 Christmas Favorites Christmas Top Fives Concert Reviews Concerts Culture Devotional Thoughts Faith and Culture From the Vault Fun Gospel Singers Gospel Songs Great Music Guest Posts Harmony Master Classes History Holidays Humor Hymns Interviews Marriage in the Movies Monday Morning Humor Movie Reviews Movies Music NQC Odds and Ends Old Movies, New Eyes Old Southern Gospel News Old Stuff Open Threads Other Genres Perfect Tenor Performances Polls Questions and Answers Recently Added SG vs. The Rest of the World Sing It Again Songs Songwriting Southern Gospel Surprise Sunday The Definitive Hymns Theology Toe-to-Toe Top 10 Lists Top 5 Top 5 Lists Two Sisters Review Uncategorized Video Posts Youtube Finds

Select a Month August 2026 February 2025 August 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 October 2023 March 2023 February 2023 December 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 June 2020 March 2020 February 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 April 2018 September 2017 August 2017 May 2017 February 2017 December 2016 November 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What happened when the Philistines captured the Ark of the Covenant?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Fire rained from heaven The sun stood still The Jordan parted Dagon's idol fell