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Reflections on My Religious Deconstruction

Reflections on My Religious Deconstruction

Last updated on: September 10, 2026 at 7:28 am by Larry Jordan

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Reflections on My Religious Deconstruction 2026-09-10T07:28:22-05:00 Larry Jordan

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Beliefs are NOT real. They are speculations, abstract and conceptual words attempting to describe what is real.

Recently, I had the opportunity to share at the Center for Non-Religious Spirituality (CNRS) Sunday Morning Community Hour. Jim Palmer, who wrote the foreword to The Way, founded CNRS. The Community Hour is a non-religious space to pause, reflect, reconnect and explore what it means to live well in a changing world.

I wanted to find a place to stand—a new lens, orientation or worldview—that might help me to make sense of things, NOT a new belief system. Image by Gemini/AI-generated, in the public domain

I wanted to find a place to stand, a new lens, to help me make sense of things, NOT a new belief system. Image by Gemini/AI-generated, in the public domain

The Community Hour includes a grounding practice, a brief reflection rooted in existential health, and small-group conversations. There is genuine listening and thoughtful dialogue here, without the ceremonies, clergy, creed, liturgy, music, scripture, symbols or other trappings we normally associate with religious gatherings.

My Deconstruction was Accidental

In my sharing, I reflected on my long journey of religious deconstruction and spiritual reconstruction. My deconstruction took place over 20 years, and it was more gradual and radical than most. I sought Truth with a capital T, wherever that might lead, and I resolved to leave no stone unturned.

My deconstruction was accidental, too. It might sound bold to seek “Truth with a capital T,” but it was NOT, at least at first, because I assumed I would confirm everything I had learned. After all, there were 2 billion believers, 2,000 years of history, and a book. What could go wrong? Sadly, my beliefs were based on blind faith, and my “knowledge” was based on supposition.

I learned that the doctrine was NOT as absolute, authentic, original, or verifiable as I assumed. First, I lost some beliefs. Then, I lost community and security, and I lost some family and friends. From my perspective, I did NOT abandon my community or my friends. They abandoned me. Christianity is largely based on belief, NOT practice, and questions are often NOT tolerated.

For a long time, my deconstruction was NOT casual, easy or fun to experience. It was NOT casual, easy or fun to talk about, either. And I can do so now, only because I found a place to stand.

My Deconstruction was a Process of Unlearning

My deconstruction was a process of addition by subtraction, an unlearning more than a learning. So I changed my mind about a lot of things. In fact, I changed my mind more than anyone I know, and that’s a good thing. But I was looking for a change of heart, more than a change of mind.

As Seng-ts’an, the third Zen patriarch, said, “Don’t keep searching for the truth, just let go of your opinions.” The truth is here and now, staring us in the face. But our opinions are speculation, merely abstract and conceptual words attempting to describe the truth. Mystery, paradox, and uncertainty are difficult to describe in words, and Ultimate Reality is ultimately Indescribable.

All of the speculation, the abstract and conceptual words that I used to believe, were NOT as certain as they promised. And people who believed them did NOT have the certainty they pretended. So I never intended to dismantle my old, speculative, uncertain belief system to erect a new, equally speculative, equally uncertain system.

Ask a Zen master several questions: “Is there a God? What is the meaning of life? Where will we go when we die?” He or she might answer: “Who knows? Do you realize your connection to everyone and everything? Are you here now?” Generally, Buddhism does not confirm or deny these beliefs. Rather, it does not even address them, because they are speculative.

So I wanted to find a place to stand—a new lens, orientation or worldview—that might help me to make sense of things, NOT a new belief system.

I Released My Anger

Deconstruction often surfaces many troubling emotions, including anger, anxiety, fear, loneliness, loss, remorse and sorrow. Once I realized that most of my beliefs were NOT rational or verifiable, I became angry with those who presented their beliefs as facts. They did NOT “do the homework” to verify that their beliefs were sensible. And they did NOT provide any caveats or context.

Also, I became angry with Christian family members and friends who tried to evangelize me. Many of them did NOT know as much about their own traditions as I did. So my informed questions sometimes frustrated them. And their uninformed answers sometimes frustrated me. People who have NOT examined their beliefs are ill-equipped to explain them.

Some friends became concerned about me. Some “church friends” shunned me. And some strangers told me I was going to Hell. None of that helped. When someone says that I am going to Hell, do they selflessly feel like my eternal salvation is in peril? (How could they know?) Or do they selfishly feel like their firmly held beliefs are in peril? That’s their problem, NOT mine.

Finally, I became angry that many contemporary Christian beliefs had strayed far from the words and works of Jesus. In doing so, many Christian churches had been unkind to divorced people, LGBTQ people, and non-Christian people, to name a few—and they had done it in the name of religion. Sadly, I had, too, for much of my life.

For my part, I used to express my anger by baiting people, challenging people and picking fights with them. None of that helped, either. Eventually, I realized that I needed to release my anger. Until I processed my experience, I needed to sit with it. I wish I had realized it sooner. Likewise, some “friends” needed to sit with me, NOT shun me. I wish they had realized it sooner.

I Reframed Some of My Relationships

Some of my relationships with family and friends did NOT have appropriate boundaries. This became increasingly clear as our beliefs diverged, and we no longer spoke the same language. Christianity is an exclusive religion, and many Christians believe that their beliefs are the “right” beliefs. If or when we disagree, neither of us can assume that we are more “right” than the other.

Relationships are real. Beliefs are NOT real. They are speculations, abstract and conceptual words attempting to describe what is real. So we should value our relationships more than our beliefs. When beliefs interfere with relationships, I might say, “I wish we had a better relationship. If it’s my fault, I’m sorry. If it’s your fault, I forgive you. We need new ground rules for our relationship.”

Sometimes, I will avoid a problem in the making by taking a break. When conversations become uncomfortable, I might say, “I need a break. I’m taking a few months off. I’ll be back.” Every time, we come back after a break, and we forget (or get over) whatever was uncomfortable. Time heals. We are both glad to be reconciled on firmer footing.

I apologize, and I forgive, but I am NOT a doormat. So if someone will NOT agree to establish boundaries or to take a break, then we both have to decide whether we will continue the relationship. And if I am willing to work on the relationship, and they are NOT, then I know I did everything possible. I never regretted establishing a boundary or taking a break. I wish I had done it sooner.

Beliefs are NOT real. They are speculations, abstract and conceptual words attempting to describe what is real. Relationships are real.

Next week: Reflections on My Spiritual Reconstruction

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About Larry Jordan

Larry Jordan is a follower of Jesus with a Zen practice. He wrote “The Way,” informed by the Eastern religions, the mystics, and the quantum physicists. "The Way" won a 2024 Nautilus Book Award. You can read more about the author here.

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