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Narcissism, Apologetics and Evangelism

Narcissism, Apologetics and Evangelism

Last updated on: September 2, 2026 at 4:26 pm by Larry Jordan

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Narcissism, Apologetics and Evangelism 2026-09-02T16:26:25-05:00 Larry Jordan

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Healthy interfaith dialogue is NOT based on evangelism. We should meet people where they are and speak each other’s languages. We should NOT feel superior or privilege our own traditions.

As people leave Christianity for other religions, secular pursuits or the “spiritual, but not religious” fold, Christians will encounter non-Christians (including former Christians) more often.

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Ideally, we need to meet people where they are and speak each other’s languages. We can NOT remain in our own bubbles. Image from Gemini/AI-generated, in the public domain

Brené Brown, an academic, author and podcaster, explored the characteristics of compassionate people. She wrote, “Boundaries are a prerequisite for compassion and empathy.” I must admit, when I first read that, it seemed counterintuitive. Are boundaries really helpful? Aren’t we supposed to love our neighbors as ourselves? Aren’t we supposed to recognize our common humanity?

And aren’t we supposed to build bridges, not walls? Aren’t we supposed to erase lines that separate us, rather than draw lines that divide us? Of course, the answer is “Yes” to all of those questions.

At the same time, I realize that Dr. Brown was pointing to a higher truth. People who can maintain boundaries are compassionate because they know that they should treat others respectfully. Equally important, they know that others should treat them respectfully, too.

High-Control Religions Can Attract Narcissists

Approximately one in three Americans has experienced some form of religious trauma at some point in their lives. Organized religion, especially high-control religions, can attract narcissists. According to the National Library of Medicine, these are some of the indicators of narcissistic personality disorder:

A grandiose sense of self-importance
A strong need for admiration
A sense of entitlement (expecting special treatment)
Exploitative behavior (using others to get needs met)
Low empathy (difficulty recognizing or caring about others’ needs)

Recently, we have become increasingly familiar with narcissists and narcissistic behavior. We have seen it in our politics, in our religions and in religions that support narcissistic political leaders. In fact, some scholars attribute much of the decline in organized religion in the last ten years to the unholy alliance between narcissistic politics and narcissistic religion.

Ironically, the deconstruction space can attract narcissists, too. Many of the people who used to spend their time leading people into church now spend their time leading people out of church.

High-Control Religions Can Encourage Evangelism

A few years ago, I attended a retreat with the spiritual leaders of the Teyuna, an indigenous tribe in Colombia. At the end, someone asked them about the biggest challenge to their way of life. “Evangelism” was the response, NOT climate change or deforestation or global pandemics, which are more immediate threats.

In some cultures, we commit an act of violence if we help someone who does NOT want to be helped. Unless someone asks to hear about your beliefs, they likely do not want to hear about them. People who do NOT worship the Christian God or fear the Christian hell are NOT particularly concerned about either. And they do NOT appreciate “help,” no matter how “well-intentioned.”

Because Christianity emphasizes beliefs, rather than behaviors, Christian churches and seminaries teach apologetics. Ideally, good apologetics focuses on evidence, logic, and reasoning. However, since all religion is cultural and all theology is speculation, most apologists seek validation within their own scriptures and traditions, without corroboration from external sources.

In the deconstruction community, most people know a lot about Christianity. Some seriously studied it when they were in church. Others seriously studied it when they were leaving church. Christianity has fielded an army of armchair evangelists, and the apologetic playbook is pretty well-worn. Chances are that most people have already heard the script that apologists are parroting.

More importantly, they recognize the “pitch,” even if we characterize it as “helpful instruction” or “respectful dialogue.” To be either helpful or respectful, we need to meet people where they are. And helpful instruction or respectful dialogue requires us to speak the other person’s language. Religions are like languages, so if we are only fluent in one, then we can only talk among ourselves.

Healthy interfaith dialogue is NOT based on evangelism.

High-Control Religions and High-Pressure Sales Tactics Trigger Some People

My catchphrase is “You might be right.” And I can usually get along with even the most ardent and uninformed evangelists without losing my cool. At this point, if you tell me that I’m going to hell, I will probably shrug it off. (I worry about God smiting me about as much as Christians worry about Zeus hitting them with lightning bolts.) Still, people trigger me sometimes, too.

Recently, I talked with an Orthodox Christian who asked me about my Zen practice. At first, he was interested, but as I was contrasting Buddhist practice with Christian beliefs, he started wincing. Soon, he reverted to the apologetic playbook. But I did NOT ask about his beliefs. I spent 50 years as a Christian. I spoke his language. And I did NOT need or want “education” or evangelism.

Worse, I did NOT need to be told that if I belonged to the “right” denomination, joined the “right” church or learned the “right” theology, then maybe I would NOT have left Christianity. Of course, he believed that Orthodoxy was the “right” denomination, since he thought it was the “original” Christianity. (Actually, it was NOT the first. Jewish Christianity was the original Christianity.)

Within the apologetic playbook, a dog-eared section blames the church’s failings on poor execution, rather than poor theology. “Maybe you should give it another chance,” the apologists say.

Do you see that telling someone who has been hurt by a church that they should give it another chance is much like telling a battered spouse that they should give their batterer another chance? We should never encourage anyone to return to an unhealthy place. And if we do NOT know if church has been an unhealthy place for someone, then we should NOT be evangelizing them.

How Can We Pursue Healthy Interfaith Dialogue?

As people leave Christianity for other religions, secular pursuits or the “spiritual, but not religious” fold, Christians will encounter non-Christians (including former Christians) more often.

Healthy interfaith dialogue is NOT based on evangelism. We should meet people where they are and speak each other’s languages. We should NOT feel superior or privilege our own traditions.

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The Way received a 2024 Nautilus Book Award.

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About Larry Jordan

Larry Jordan is a follower of Jesus with a Zen practice. He wrote “The Way,” informed by the Eastern religions, the mystics, and the quantum physicists. "The Way" won a 2024 Nautilus Book Award. You can read more about the author here.

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