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Wrestling With Yourself

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In The Knowing

In The Knowing

Last updated on: February 26, 2013 at 2:28 pm by David Matthew Brown

In The Knowing 2013-02-26T14:28:40-07:00 David Matthew Brown

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

I appeared on the D-Spot hosted by Kelly Sullivan Walden and she asked me to share this poem. I wrote this poem four months before my daughter was born. This poem came entirely from a dream. I awoke and started writing. Enjoy. It reminds me of our journey home and everything in between.

IN THE KNOWING

By David Matthew Brown

Closing my eyes

For a restful night’s sleep,

My wife’s body

Cuddled in a s-shape,

Our cats sleep

All around the bed

Nestled in the gaps

Like little heating

Pads of light and fur,

The wind pours through

Our window

Cooling down the unlit

Room

I release my toes

Allowing tension to melt away

My belly softens

While expanding to its fullness

I put my hand on my wife’s hip

One last glance at the clock

That glows back

10:20pm

My hearing left on its

Own

Listens to the wind-

Finally

I go within

And tune into my breath

Oh my sweet my

breath

And

Out

And

Deep sleep

I find my self in a car

Going down a bridge

Gripping the steering wheel

But I am not driving

Fog everywhere

Cars screaming past me

They are moving fast

Now the bridge is moving

I moving?

No it is the bridge

I am looking down-

Then up

To my amazement

I let go of the steering wheel and

The car disappears

Poof

I am flying

This feeling invigorates my pores

My soul

Trust soars throughout me

My dream

Free

Alive

Dancing in the sky

Throwing my hands up in celebration

Moving my feet in circles of glee

My breath is dancing with excitement

Like someone in love

I find myself gliding along the ocean

Telling myself

“Boy this feels good!”

And with those words

I fall to the sand below

Skidding, like a water ski along the water

Feeling

The morsels of sand all over my body

I pick my face up out of the grains

To my discovery

To my endless delight

Others are on this beach

My curiosity picks up-

Who are they?

Who am I?

Did they fly here too?

But I am scared to talk

I close my eyes

The sensations in my body feel new,

So I check in with my breath

Feeling

And

Out

Just like the waves outside me

Swoosh in

Swoosh out

My breath follows

In hale

Ex hale

Birds chirp

Each one adding a new song

Like natures orchestra

Suddenly

A small hand touches my shoulder

Startled-

I open my eyes

To reveal

A small blue-eyed, red-haired, pale skinned,

Girl

She is laughing

A question arises

Inside of me

Unspoken

Are you the unborn in my life?

The one my wife and I are expecting?

This girl looks familiar

She continues laughing

I ask, ”What are you laughing at?”

She says, “ You”.

She responds, “You are so serious.”

And sticks her tongue out mocking me

“I am meditating!” trying to stand up for myself,

“Okay, on what?” she smiles devilishly,

I respond with a token answer, “Peace, love, joy.”

“Why?”

“Yes”

I stutter

She responds with a wicked knowing, “You are already that.”

I explain, “I have these problems…”

“What problems?”

“Well we are expecting and we need a home, money, you

know having a child…”

She laughs

“This” as she opens her arms

…Is a dream”-

She laughs

I respond cautiously, “Right”.

She extends her hand,

“My name is Julia!”

It means what ever I want it to mean-

Insecurely, “I am David.”

She laughs,

“Like the king,

Remember,

A young king named David

Whirled a rock in a sling

Taking down a giant

Named Goliath.”

I acknowledge the reference,

“David and Goliath”

Julia dances in place-

“Lets play!”

“Sure”

“Close your eyes, go on close them,

Focus on your heart

And lungs

And

Breathe

And

Out

And

Slowly

In and out

Now

Remember a time

That problem didn’t exist

Just

Remember

Feel what

That feels

This is your dream

Know you have a choice

Nervous laughter

Listen to your breath

In and out

And now

The oceans breathe

Swoosh

Allow it to speak to you

Say nothing back

Remember your thoughts

Are distracting you

From going deeper

Here we only deal in truth

Supreme intelligence is the truth

In and out

Swoosh

Just remember

You are the ocean

The birds

The sand

The sky

The atmosphere

Your breath is you

Allow it to take over

As you breath

Know-

Know with every breath

You are spirit

Light

All in all

Now listen to the ocean

What does it tell you?

Swoosh

Julia’s voice suddenly disappeared

I was deep in oneness

I was the ocean

It was all around me and through me

It was magical

And glorious

Beautiful and alive

Sublime

Colors of the rainbow shot from me

Mesmerizing

Delightful

I felt like I found home

Truth

This is the part that

Hasn’t been hurt or harmed

I was in the atmosphere dancing

A voice appeared

Different from Julia’s

Earthy

Powerful

“You are it

Itself

All ever-present light-

Awake my son”

My breath felt like

The deep ocean

I went back to it

And

Out

I opened my eyes

Discovering Julia

Sitting cross-legged

In tall green grass

Among the valley

Filled with tulips,

In all different colors- yellow, blue, orange,

Roses that were deep red, white, purple,

Stargazers

The smell of nectar filled the air

Honey dripped from the trees

“Where am I?”

“Appearance is never what it seems”

She pointed to the air

Revealing a planet

In the distance-

“Mother earth they call it.”

It was on fire,

Smoking,

Burning up,

Crying,

I could hear it scream in pain

Like the moments in my life

Her soothing voice changed,

“How could you do this? This is what happens when you

focus on your thoughts? You are stuck in how things look,

how they appear in physical form. That is not the truth.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you have been so selfish!”

“Me, what about everyone else?”

“Just like a human, pass blame, seeing what you want to see-

Don’t you see-

You are everyone-

And everyone is you

Stop being foolish-

Proclaiming God gave you this place to destroy-

It loves you.”

I stood there frozen

In disbelief

A chill ran down my spine

“What have I done?”

Thoughts poured through my mind

Being stuck in my petty problems

I neglected who I am-

She said,

“By changing yourself

You change the world

Stop blaming the world…”

A huge weight of pain filled my body,

Tears flooded my eyes,

“See what blame does-

It takes it off of you

And gives it back to you

But six times worse

You are so distracted

You fail to see

All that you are.”

My breath began to speed up

Julia walked over to me

Putting her hand on my

Heart

Gently she said,

“Shhhhh”

That reminded me of the ocean,

That sound

“Swoosh”

Julia repeated,

“Shhhhhh”

Then I heard,

“Swoosh”

She softly spoke,

“Some dreams are nightmares,

Most people

Don’t feel enough

They truly believe they are not enough

That is a nightmare

Do you see-

I am you

You are me-

Life is all

It is here for you

Stay in truth

Know there is a divine plan

This universe knows what to do-

You are not breathing-

Something is breathing you-

But what?

Breathe”.

This time I had to trust in my breath

I had to let go of controlling my breath

Who am I trying to control?

What am I resisting?

Life.

Julia said softly, “The kingdom and the power and the glory is

yours, now and forever and ever, Amen”

Look what is happening.

Julia continued,

“There are people changing themselves,

Not for them,

But for the world,

Stop feeling powerless,

Stop feeling unworthy of who you are.”

My eyes closed

I began to breath

And

Out

Suddenly I felt my butt warming up

I jumped up

And danced around

That is hot

I looked around

And found myself in the desert

Julia stood there waiting

She looked up

“See how vast

We are and yet how small

Your pettiness is…

She pointed up

I looked

There sat mother earth

Green, glorious, alive

I said,

“What happened?’

Julia said,

“You!”

“Why am I in the desert?”

“For all beginnings

Start here, in nothingness,

The desert

I must leave you

I will see you soon.”

“How do I get out?”

Start that way-

And so I began

Walking alone in the desert

Pondering this vast energy

My connection

On this path seemed to

Go longer than I could imagine

My mouth was dry

And my eyes burned

Every breath was like fire in my lungs

Looking off to the distance

I saw a door marked

“Exit”

So I entered,

It was like a fun house inside

Everywhere I went I

Saw me

Mirrors and more mirrors

Hundreds of me

I couldn’t find the door to leave

There I was in different disguises

Outfits

Dresses, pants, beards,

And so on…

It was driving me crazy

Hours and hours of looking at myself

And staring at me

And more me

But each appearance showing not just me the masks

Of everyone in my life and everyone I have ever met

Oh my God

Let me go!

Help me-

Laughter is everywhere

And suddenly a film of my life started showing

Just like the thoughts that talk to me all day long

It was driving me crazy

I can’t find my breath

Asthma kicks in and my old doctor

Is trying to put a needle in my heart so I run and

I see me playing sports,

Being teased,

In fights,

Struggling,

Alone,

Fears,

I find myself screaming in pain-

A voice sounding like Julia’s –

“Listen to my voice”

“Julia I can’t take this”

“You have a choice”

“Help me”

“What?”

“Help yourself”

“I AM SCARED OF THE UNKNOWN”

“Why, you are a king!”

I take a deep breath

Looking myself in the eyes-

I just start forgiving myself

One character at a time-

And when they would fall to dust another would appear

Endlessly forgiving,

Until finally there was one

Everything was silent

And I looked at myself

Now older and cried

Realizing all the stuff I had to let go

And I said,

“I forgive you.”

Nothing,

I just stood there looking at myself,

“David I forgive you

Go forth and be king!”

Silence

I began to here classical music,

It sounded like a radio.

Julia laughed and yelled from a distance-

“You have a choice”

“Yes I know”

I felt light as a feather,

I turned over and recognized my beautiful wife,

Her eyes are so radiant and kind-

Still half a sleep I heard,

“What do you choose?”

I said to myself quietly,

“To be king.”

I gently kissed my wife’s soft lips,

Knowing nothing would be the same,

Knowing I would never go back,

Knowing I would be king.

I AM.

Silence

David Matthew Brown, is a contributor to Patheos. He is a inspiring speaker, author of, “The Book Of Light: The Heart Opening”, and sees clients one on one as a Practitioner of Joy. David delights in the light of the presence. He encourages others in sessions, and guides people back to their innate joy. To set up a session with David, email him: [email protected]

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