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Wrestling With Yourself

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Caged Up!

Caged Up!

Last updated on: February 8, 2013 at 10:26 am by David Matthew Brown

Caged Up! 2013-02-08T10:26:32-07:00 David Matthew Brown

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Caged Up!

For many years I was lost and confused,

Fused by guilt and fear,

Panic, my breath would tighten,

So many thoughts overwhelmed my mind at any given time

I looked for guidance out there,

So many ideas, thoughts, delusion

Many kind people along the path,

Many dark hearts,

Vicious minds,

Cold-blooded survivors,

Strangers could help me more,

Because I was a stranger to my own soul,

Many nights I anxiously thought about this life,

Wondering out loud about death from this experience,

Or continue to live in this experience,

I was caged, caged up,

Who did the caging?

Spiritual people claimed I did- I caused this-

I hated that answer,

Humans complained that it was their fault, out there

Those people-

Them

They

Others

Partners

Family

Priests

Ministers

God

Education

Conditioning

That made me feel powerless

Many books, workshops,

All offering a solution

Why do I feel caged?

Who has caged me?

Thoughts,

What can I fix?

Years searching, seeking

For what?

The path,

So one night-

Scared, tired of other people

Sick of reading, listening to speakers,

Tired of meditation, prayer

Views,

Judgments,

Condemnation

Lies

Cheats

Hate

Sick to the very bone

Sick of telling myself that I was unworthy, not good enough

Tired of this violence to my self

Tired of being spiritual, being human

Tired of following commandments of a God that seemed far away

Tired of questions- little annoying quests with no end

Just tired

I opened the window to let in cool air

Standing there in my pajamas

My cat stretching her body

Feeling the cold air

So cool against my skin

Not knowing

What was next?

I asked, “What was next?”

Silence

My breath got really slow,

Then like a train running out of control

Everything came forward

Tears, uncontrollable tears,

Laughter,

Here I was cracking up

Losing the battle within

A battle I had been fighting tooth and nail-

Now I was losing,

The place I was more scared of was

The one cracking open

Busting at its seems

Now-

I could no longer fight two battles anymore

It was tiring,

I could no longer be positive, because it was masking negative,

I could no longer affirm,

Pray like I used too!

Become anything-

I could no longer act like I was something

I could no longer fit in

I was tired of cards, energy, and questions

There has to be an answer

Why was I so consumed by these thoughts, questions, finding an answer?

Fitting in,

I hate rules!! I hate people trying to control me, bringing their violence to me,

Hurt people hurting people

And there it was…

For so long I had run from it,

Put a mask on it

Denied it-

And here it was looking me in the face

Eating at me like tooth decay

Hurting

So much pain,

Like a bull rider

I looked at it

And said lets go

“I am ready”

That hate took off- it showed me all the places it had taken me

Relationships, people, jobs, travel; it was with me all the time

Eating away-

A shadow

Maybe

The hate in me,

So violent

I have been so violent with myself

I have been so violent

Tears starting up

There are not many paths home,

There is one

The hate had images, pictures, and concepts attached

It carried with it a friend

Pain, they worked hand in hand

I sat down on the sofa,

Feeling the question wanting to come up,

“Why do I-I…”

Questions are doing-

What am I doing?

Not being here-

Where am I going?

To die

When?

Now

I took a breath-

The breath was slow

I could feel the hate and pain

And I didn’t run

I had no place to go

Such violence to myself

Then the room

Became quiet

Tears still rolling down my face

Quietness

That is how it felt,

Like quiet

From the quiet I heard,

“There is nothing, and nothing to fear”

So I sat in quiet,

In the quiet of my soul

It felt like I was wrapped in a wonderful warm feeling

I had scared myself for so long- with hate

Now

Was safe

Finally safe

David Matthew Brown is the author of the critically acclaimed book entitled, “THE BOOK OF LIGHT: THE HEART OPENING”. He is a poet, speaker, coach with athletes, celebrities, and actors. He is a single Dad who has a beautiful daughter. Get the book for only $9.95 here: The Book Of Light: The Heart Opening

“David has given us a rare gift, he has created an exquisite compendium of the Soul. This beautiful book is filled with such wisdom teachings, that like the rays of the dawning sun, it will light your life with such grace, that you will feel these rays of splendor moving you to tears and laughter in one holy instant. This work takes us deep into the seams of the soul, and we are in eternal thanks to you David!”
STEWART PEARCE Legendary Sound Healer and Angel Medium

“I heard David Matthew Brown speak one day in a small church in Burbank. I understand he devotes significant time to doing this. He is a fine inspirational speaker and he exudes a genuine quality refreshing to behold. So, I wasn’t surprised to see the same attributes present in his writing. The maxims about light in the first chapter grabbed me right off the bat. As an author myself and one who has done much research and contemplation on the information contained in both visible and spiritual light, I knew right away that Mr. Brown spoke from the heart with experience, not just from the head with concepts. But he goes further in describing metaphors about how best to convey our knowledge and stories of truth to others, an important topic, for realizations unshared never live up to their true potential. A great, accessible book of wisdom sayings to stimulate higher thought and feeling. You should really experience it!” ~ Peter Canova, Scholar of Gnosticism and bestselling author of Pope Annalisa

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