Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Pagan
Witch For Hire: a Cover Letter

Witch For Hire: a Cover Letter

Last updated on: August 17, 2017 at 11:00 am by Heron Michelle

Witch For Hire: a Cover Letter 2017-08-14T13:39:05-04:00 Heron Michelle

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

How does one retreat from full-time self-employment as a Witch, to finding a muggle day job? This is a question I consider with some regularity. I often fantasize about what an interview might sound like as I attempt to explain that employment gap the seven years I stayed home to raise my kids, and what I’ve been doing at The Sojourner the nine years since then.

The last time I applied for a job, Bill Clinton’s economic golden bubble of plenty was still afloat, loans were handed out like Halloween candy, and my shiny new bachelor’s degree was all I needed to land a fabulous professional gig with salary and full benefits. Those days are long over. This is Trump’s America now; it’s a dog-run-down-dog-in-the-street, survival-of-the-biggest-bull-shitter, nuclear-winter-is-coming, kind of world.

Because I’m a smart ass whose field of fucks grows more barren by the day, this is what I’ve come up with so far. Would you hire me?

Witch seeks Muggle Employment: A cover Letter - Witch on Fire

Heron Holds the Moon

Witch Seeks Muggle Employment

Dear Future Employer,

I humbly submit my application for the advertised position, as I believe that I am uniquely qualified. To be blunt: I am a Witch, and having a Witch on your team can give you a competitive edge in today’s market place. For example, we’ve been known to spin straw into gold when there’s a blue moon on Thursday in a leap year, the Sun is in the second house, and Jupiter is conjunct our natal Leo, but let’s not trifle over the fine print.

Skills: I’m a kindler of infectious enthusiasm, and pied piper of inner-children, whimsy and cheer. I fart rainbows, sweat sunshine and can fly. My smile once launched a thousand ships; unfortunately, they were all smashed on the rocks of foolish idealism. Though all was lost, they died happy and singing my praises to the tune of “100 bottles of beer on the wall.”

My psychic abilities are so fearsome that they require special permission by city council to practice in this county (1). I can travel to anywhere in time and space and never leave the room. I can draw down the moon, negotiate with the Gods, and have a hoard of flying monkeys at my command. Yet, we have not yet divined how best to trade these abilities for affordable health insurance. This is where you come in.

Experience: My fastest speed for changing from executive power suit to superhero suit in a phone booth is half the time it takes to actually find a phone booth. I once resolved a client’s existential crises using nothing but my smartphone, while grocery shopping with a toddler and a baby, and still saved $24.99 with coupons.

With only my own body and holistic living I created two entirely new human beings, then fed them for free for a year. They were so cute they both won blue ribbons at the state fair. Over the seven years of my hands-on management approach to Project Upbringing, we saw an overwhelming profit margin in the department of Polite, Pleasant and Healthy Juvenile Development (PPHJD).

References: Due to the God Pluto once losing to me in a game of gin rummy, I can have enlightenment or material riches, but not both. I may not have made the right choice; thus, my application for this position. However, he will attest to my abilities to pinch a penny until it screams in pain. I am also on a first name basis with the elephant in this room. She’s agreed to be my character reference, but is very judgmental, so I don’t like her much.

With this minimum wage position, I know that together we can take over the world, but in a loving, egalitarian way, of course.

Thank you for your consideration,

Heron Michelle
Witch For Hire

I’ve actually spoken at length with the business license office in Pitt County, North Carolina, about a very old law on the books that are bold-face discriminatory against any “Gypsies” coming to town. If you wish to sell “fortune telling services,” which they consider all divination forms like tarot, palm-reading, mediumship, etc. to fall under, you are technically supposed to go before the city council and ask for special dispensation to practice, pay for a license that costs five times the amount that a regular retail business would pay, and stay outside the city limits. Of course, no one has complied with law, nor been prosecuted under it, in many decades. I’m an out-law every time I read someone’s cards. I dare them to challenge me as I’m just itching for a reason to get that law struck from the books.

Previous Post

August 12, 2017

Warding Ritual for Spiritual Protection of your Home

Next Post

August 21, 2017 Italian Onion Survival Soup Recipe

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Arts, Crafts & Cooking Business Cermony and Liturgy Columns Comedy Community Death Elemental Witchcraft Health and Wellness Holidays Interfaith Life Love, Sex & Relationships Magic or Magick Nature Politics Prayers, Poems, Blessings & Stories Recipes Rites of Passage Ritual and Practice Science and Research Shopkeeper Saga Technology Theology, Ethics, Philosophy Uncategorized Witch on Fire

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 November 2025 September 2025 August 2025 May 2025 November 2024 September 2024 August 2024 March 2024 February 2024 December 2023 September 2023 August 2023 May 2023 February 2023 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 April 2022 March 2022 December 2021 November 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 December 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 August 2015 July 2015

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who was the first Judge of Israel?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Gideon Samson Deborah Othniel