Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Pagan
The “Rapture Clause”

The “Rapture Clause”

Last updated on: September 23, 2025 at 2:59 pm by Heron Michelle

The “Rapture Clause” 2025-09-23T14:59:59-04:00 Heron Michelle

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

My mother and I had the difficult relationship that you’d expect when a democratic-socialist, rainbow-waving, professional, feminist, priestess, witching daughter is continuously harassed by her right-wing-uber-republican, “pray away the gay,” “a woman’s place is in the kitchen,” “Pat Robertson is my hero,” “only men can be clergy,” bible-waving, evangelical mother.

I’ve also been known to say, though I admit that it is in poor taste, that our relationship greatly improved after she died. <snicker>

The Last Judgement. Jean Cousin

The Last Judgement. Jean Cousin – Wikimedia Commons – Public Domain

III: The Rapture Clause

In my post, “When the Samhain Bell Tolls for You,” I spoke on my mother’s sudden passing, and the Last Will and Testament she had so handily prepared, but I didn’t tell you the funniest part about that very legal document. Mom was sure that we were in the end times, and “judgement day” would come during her lifetime. This was during the 2000 Presidential election, and she read the book of revelations like the 7 day weather forecast. She was sure that Al Gore was the anti-Christ, and that meant she could skip the whole “old age” thing and be taken bodily to heaven. So, in her 50’s she quit work and cashed in her retirement savings so she could enjoy the “end times” doing Jesus’ work.

Judgement Trump Card of the Rider Waite Tarot Deck. Yes, this image depicts the rapture where grey zombie Christians rise bodily from their graves by God's Angels to be whisked away to heaven. Terrifying!

Judgement Trump Card of the Rider Waite Tarot Deck. Yes, this image depicts the rapture where God’s Angels blow their trumpets to awaken the grey zombie Christians who rise bodily, and oddly naked, from their graves to be whisked away to heaven. This is supposed to be the “good news.” Terrifying!

This gave her plenty of free time to adamantly, and persistently wage her own personal holy war to try to “save” everyone she met from the dark forces of Science, Harry Potter and the democratic party. It didn’t matter that she’d presided over no less than THREE of my baptisms in the various Christian churches in which we’d been raised. In her defense, she was devoted to keeping us together for eternity. <sigh> It’s hard to argue with a Mother’s love, no matter how misguided I thought it was.

But I grew up, questioned everything, went my own way, and ultimately told her I was NOT a Christian in any form. That story can be found here. Like the faithful servant she was, that only fueled her fervor to reclaim my soul for Jesus.

Then, one day she called me to talk about her Last Will and Testament, as I’m the eldest of all the children. The conversation went something like this:

Mom: Hey Honey, I’m writing my will. If I die first, my estate will pass to your step-dad and he’ll be the executor to take care of all the legal things.
Me: Ok. I assumed so…
Mom: Then I thought, what if we die at the same time in a car crash or something? My brother lives here in Kentucky, so I thought that if he is still living, he’d be a good executor.
Me: Yeah, I’m sure Uncle Bill would be a really good choice.
Mom: Good. But then I got to thinking about the rapture… <profound pause>

Me: <Oh gods, here we go…>

Mom: When Jesus returns, everyone we know here will be in heaven, so in that case, would you mind being my executrix?
Me: Um…Are you suggesting that I will be “left behind?”
Mom: (In accusatory tones) WELL?!? Are YOU suggesting otherwise?

Me: <OK, Heron, the moment of truth is upon us… >

Me: No, Mom. You are absolutely right. If the four horsemen of the apocalypse come riding into town, I’m screwed and I know it. Should Revelations *literally* come to pass, I accept that I was woefully incorrect and will ride out the end times in full contrition.

Mom: Soooo, is that a ‘yes?’ I can put your name down, and you’ll make sure things get divided equally between all our kids?

Me: Sure, Mom. Sign me up. If there is still a body of jurisprudence in Kentucky that gives a good goddamn about who gets your house, I’ll be there. While the anti-christ burns down the world, me and my shotgun will defend your heap of burning rubble and make sure none of the other “godless heathens” steal your shit.

Mom: Language! There’s no need to be rude, young lady! OK, thanks. I’ll send you copy after I get it notarized.

And then it arrived, and section III – which I’ve dubbed “the rapture clause” states, “If my husband does not survive me, (If we were to die or be raptured out at the same time) I give and devise my estate of every kind to our children…”

Well! There you have it folks! Considering how quickly and painlessly she died at 59, I like to think that she got the rapture she so desired, and I’m glad for her that she enjoyed her final years. Perhaps my “heathenism*” served some small purpose in putting her mind at ease.

Until next time, Happy Halloween!
~Heron

*My mother referred to all non-christians as “heathens,” meaning “godless” and not in a polite way. Not to be confused with the modern usage by Heathens who are reclaiming an ancient Nordic religion, and believe in plenty of Gods. lol

Rites of Passage

Witch on Fire

Evangelical Christian

Previous Post

October 14, 2016

Witchin' in the Kitchen: Samhain Pumpkin Fluff with Ginger Snaps

Next Post

October 27, 2016 Death Toll: Passing Away

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Arts, Crafts & Cooking Business Cermony and Liturgy Columns Comedy Community Death Elemental Witchcraft Health and Wellness Holidays Interfaith Life Love, Sex & Relationships Magic or Magick Nature Politics Prayers, Poems, Blessings & Stories Recipes Rites of Passage Ritual and Practice Science and Research Shopkeeper Saga Technology Theology, Ethics, Philosophy Uncategorized Witch on Fire

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 November 2025 September 2025 August 2025 May 2025 November 2024 September 2024 August 2024 March 2024 February 2024 December 2023 September 2023 August 2023 May 2023 February 2023 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 April 2022 March 2022 December 2021 November 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 December 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 August 2015 July 2015

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who led the animals onto the ark?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Noah Jacob Isaac Moses