Marriage and the Swirl of Sameness and Difference

Last updated on: November 28, 2008 at 11:32 am by Dosho Port

Marriage and the Swirl of Sameness and Difference 2008-11-28T11:32:00-06:00 Dosho Port

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Question: What is your opinion on marriage? Is it attachment itself? And, is that a negative thing?

I was reading a book by Anthony De Mello…THE WAY OF LOVE. He says, “If you seek to make yourself special to anyone—that is attachment…you will lose your freedom…and you will suffer.” If so, how does one deal with a marriage partnership? If I observe myself, I am very much in this with my partner—not married yet. I feel it is a bit of a crippling fact at times. I think the fear of loss of the person is a factor…also, anticipation of “rejection” is another factor.

De Mello offers three solutions…one, see it is a concept and not true…”I can’t live without this person” being the unspoken idea…two, see/experience the joy of not attaching in your everyday life, and three, learn to enjoy a variety of things so that you don’t fixate on any one thing…vs. this “I need this one thing to complete me” type of issue.

If so though, if you did these things, would you even marry someone?

Response: I’ve been married a couple times. Neither really worked well, that is, I wasn’t willing and/or able to do what was necessary to stay in the marriages. Now I’m happy to be in a relationship but not married … so I’m not only prejudiced but may not be qualified to respond in any way that is generalizable to your life. But who is?

I remember years ago seeing a Kahawai newsletter from Robert Aitken’s group. A woman writer addressed the issue of relationships and Zen and said something like, “What did Dogen know about love? He never got laid even once.”

I agree so far – what other’s say, laid or unlaid, about one’s intimate relationship is at best, hooey. In the same vein, for the State to set the terms on who can do what (consenting adults, of course) and decide who can marry and who can’t is just nutty. Whatever happened to limits of power?

And a few more things….

For starters, it seems to me that it doesn’t matter so much whether we are married or in committed intimate relationship or not. Make a choice and then live it, knowing that few relationships are really for life. So then really appreciate each moment and be as kind as possible.

What matters is if we’re living a life we can live fully. You know, wholeheartedly. All sorts of material will come up if you get married or if you don’t. So what?

Another thing, in my view, is that to be in a relationship (or have kids) and not be “attached” (i.e., “connected”) is great bo-hooey. PyschoSpiritual babble. If someone advises you to live your one great life as a by-stander, run for it. You ain’t really in relationship if you ain’t attached, baby.

To be attached and free – now that’s interesting to me. Anyway, where are you going to be free but somewhere, with someone? Freedom alone on an iceberg in the North Atlantic doesn’t appeal to me nor does it sound like freedom.

Anyway, life is a swirl. Dog and boy, lover and beloved, life and death. Sameness and difference. And, speaking of which, it also seems to me that men are often worried about getting engulfed in sameness (while yearning for it) and women are often worried about being penetrated by difference (while yearning for it). Now that’s a swirl.

“What about when the 10,000 things come at you all at once?”

“Just don’t avoid them,” said the author of a beautiful part of the Soto liturgy, The Harmony of Difference and Sameness.

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