The Truth About Gender

Last updated on: November 27, 2015 at 6:13 am by Ambaa Choate

The Truth About Gender 2015-11-23T07:23:32-05:00 Ambaa Choate

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When I was a teenager I wrote some articles for an anti-feminist website. Now, many years later, I consider myself a feminist. Because I learned that it means believing that women are human beings and people have equal rights. Women don’t need to have advantages over men just as men don’t need to have advantages over women. We can all co-exist as equals.

There is a trap that a lot of people fall into of thinking that how they experience the world must be how other people experience it too. So if you are someone who happens to fall into line with the cliche of womanhood you start thinking that every other woman thinks and feels the same way as you and it’s just what’s natural. If a woman says that she does not want to have children or stay at home you think she must be confused or traumatized and you feel sorry for her. If you’re a stereotypical guy you might think that flamboyant gay men are being ridiculous and over the top (yes, I had a friend say this very thing to me), but just because that behavior isn’t something that feels right or natural for you doesn’t mean that other person isn’t just completely being themselves. Everyone has this tendency to judge. Everyone defaults to thinking that all other people are like you when it comes to the deep innate desires and feelings. But it’s not true. We are all different and there’s nothing bad about that.

I fell into this trap too. I thought because I wanted to be a housewife that it was “natural” for a woman to want to take care of a home. But I eventually realized that some women like to take care of the home and others have no interest in it. Some men want to take care of a home and others would like to let their wife do it. Just because I like being a housewife does not mean that I have to tell all other girls in the world that they should like it too. What’s it to me if they do or don’t?

Feminism sometimes gets a bad rap because it’s so easy to fall into this trap and women who are feminists sometimes think that women who want to be housewives must be brainwashed and secretly miserable. But it’s not true. They can’t imagine wanting to do that while some of us can’t imagine not wanting to do it. But we really don’t have to decide for each other.

The most important aspect of feminism is choice.

Women have to be able to choose what they want to pursue, whether it’s a career outside the home or as a homemaker. And men have to be able to choose between those too. Or start with one and switch to another. The only important thing here is that if you have a partner (or partners) they are on the same page with you and you guys are able to communicate and work together. If one partner wants to be a stay at home parent and the another thinks that is old fashioned and bad for the family, that’s going to cause tension. But it’s up to you to figure it out with your spouse, partner(s), or just yourself. There is absolutely no need to decide these things for everyone else of your gender.

One thing I have learned is that we don’t need to broadly categorize what men are like and what women are like. Let each person decide what he or she likes and wants to pursue. That’s not hurting anyone!

I have discovered that the truth is we don’t need to be categorizing thoughts, behaviors, or desires into “masculine” or “feminine.” Even if there are tendencies and trends (which might be innate or might be society-driven), it really still doesn’t do any good to lock people into boxes of one or the other. We all have combinations of traits, some of which are viewed as “masculine” and some as “feminine” and how many of each we have doesn’t determine what gender we are at all.

There are “girly” guys and “manly” women and there’s nothing wrong with that. There are also “girly” women and “manly” men and there’s nothing wrong with that either. There are people who seem to have an even balance of both and that’s okay too.

For any example you might give me of “men are like this” or “women are like this” I will say the same thing…

So what? Even if and when there are things that “belong” to one gender or the other, does it really help us in any way to make judgments or rules based on it?
There will always be exceptions to the “rule” and I don’t think it’s benefiting anyone to ignore and dismiss the experiences of people who have characteristics exclusively associated with the other gender.

We don’t need to judge things as masculine or feminine. We just don’t. There’s no reason for it.

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