The Nature of Ambaa

Last updated on: August 27, 2015 at 6:58 am by Ambaa Choate

The Nature of Ambaa 2015-08-27T06:58:14-04:00 Ambaa Choate

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My husband and I were talking about this post and it brought up a common discussion in our marriage: that I panic an awful lot. I live with a pretty high level of anxiety and worry. I worry over not doing enough, not being productive enough, not squeezing every bit of meaning out of every moment. I assumed that everyone lives that way but then I met Brad and found out that it is possible to feel content and like you are doing enough. What you are is enough.

Amazing.

He said what I really already know, that all I have to do is be. Existing and connecting and practicing love, those are all that’s required from me. He said something else that I hadn’t considered, though. He said that all I need to do is be true to my nature and at times it is in my nature to panic. And that’s okay.

We also started talking about my feelings of not being ready to be the age I am or the stage of life that I am. I don’t feel ready to relinquish the spotlight of my journey and progress to the next generation. I feel that being in my thirties there is an expectation that I become the support character to the younger generation’s movie. Brad doesn’t feel that, though. He said perhaps it’s because he always felt that he was meant to be a support role: a guide, a teacher, a mentor. And he is. He is fulfilling the purpose he always felt within him, to be a teacher. I am not yet fulfilling the purpose that I’ve always felt within me. And that’s out of my control.

Maybe these feelings of discomfort with the passage of time will ease when I am finally a mother. I’ve seen myself in that role my whole life and five years ago I felt ready to step into that role I was always meant to play. But all these years later I’m still not there.

Once we finally manage to become parents it will be interesting to see if I settle into life more, feel more connected, grounded, and in “the right place.” In the mean time I need to practice accepting who I am and where I’m at, forgiving myself for my panicking, and practice being comfortable with just being.

what we are meant to do

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