Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Victorious Living

Home
Family, Parenting and Religion
Keeping the Fight Out of Conflict

Keeping the Fight Out of Conflict

Last updated on: July 30, 2020 at 5:00 am by Victorious Living

Keeping the Fight Out of Conflict 2020-06-20T18:16:47-04:00 Victorious Living

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

My wife and I have been married for five years and we still can’t seem to answer the question, “how often do you guys fight?” It’s funny, when I was single I felt like couples either said, “we never fight” or “we fight all the time”. Maybe I’ve just been conditioned to think it has to be one or the other.

Truth be told, I was led to believe “fighting” was an inevitable part of a marriage. You’ve probably heard some of the same things I did about couples who don’t argue are in trouble because they are hiding things.

The truth is, we stumble into trying to explain how we often disagree and sometimes get heated, but never really fight. I think what we are trying to say is that we often have conflict. Fight has such a negative connotation; I think it makes couples feel uncomfortable. But confrontation? You bet. We’ve had our fair share.

Flipping The Fight

I would even say we have gotten comfortable with the idea there will sometimes be conflict. I’m not saying we chase it, but we are not as terrified of it as we were when newlywed.

I think the main reason is because we really believe that we are on the same team. Kylie can say things to me nobody else can because I know how much she loves me and how committed she is to exploring the truth with me, no matter how uncomfortable it may get.

What we have done is a very subtle, but powerful thing. I think the concept of conflict, when applied practically, really needs to be a fight. There needs to be an enemy, something to be “against”.

Too often, people who otherwise care deeply for one another assume the enemy is their partner. We see it all the time, even in our own marriage. We rearrange stories so one of us (the one telling usually) sounds like a hero and the other is more easily cast as a buffoon. And when emotions are high and you are face to face with someone, it is easy to see them as the enemy. It is easy to see the person who triggered your emotion as the thing you are supposed to be “against”.

But the way to resolve conflict without devolving into a battle of egos is to make the enemy something else.

In our marriage, we talk about a value for truth and pursuing truth together. Kylie views the world so much differently than I do and one of the things I love about her is she says things and perceives things that I have totally missed that help me better understand the truth. We bring a fuller picture of what is true by being together. Part of that, inevitably, is engaging in conflict with one another. We learn through exposing our difference of perspective and then resolving it through honest and humble conversation. The truth about marriage is you grow in intimacy and truth by enduring conflict together.

And so, the enemy is not the other person. The enemy is falsehood. The incomplete narratives we believe to be total – the things we tell ourselves. The biases we have internalized as empirical truths. The short-sided-ness of not understanding you can be “right” in one way but still not have a full grasp of the truth (i.e. you can have a fact straight but still fail to see the value of grace and compassion).

So, at our best, we fight against the lies we believe. We fight against inaccurate predisposition and our emotions’ insistence on self-justification. We fight all the time. Just not against one another. Thankfully, we have conflict as a tool.

Previous Post

July 28, 2020

The Spinning Plates of Purpose

Next Post

August 4, 2020 Every Day Crossroads

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Choices Conflict Resolution Culture Change Emotions Failure Faith Fear Freedom V Growth Healthy Communication Hope Identity Influence Leadership Learn Mistakes Mood Curve Ownership Perspective Power Relationships Self-Awareness Self-Governance Systems Thinking Three Things You Control Transformational Leadership Trust Truth Uncategorized Values Vision

Select a Month January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What city is known as the Holy City, sacred to Jews, Christians, and Muslims?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Athens Rome Jerusalem Cairo

Books by This Author Books by Victorious Living

See All Titles »