Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Victorious Living

Home
Family, Parenting and Religion
Pain is an Inevitable Step on the Journey Towards Intimacy

Pain is an Inevitable Step on the Journey Towards Intimacy

Last updated on: September 9, 2019 at 1:24 pm by Victorious Living

Pain is an Inevitable Step on the Journey Towards Intimacy 2019-09-09T13:24:08-04:00 Victorious Living

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

As much as we avoid pain, there are several benefits to turmoil. Although it hurts, there are a few things that can be gained exclusively (or most effectively) through suffering. It is for these reasons, perhaps, that pain is allowed in our world. It may not be ‘good’ in and of itself, and is certainly something we steer clear of. Yet, the inevitable let downs, disappointments, and traumas of life are a uniquely fertile ground for some of life’s most essential elements.

The best example of this is the development of intimacy. None of us have a person in our lives that we deeply love, who we know truly cares about us, that we haven’t also been through some mess with.

Corporate Character

The Bible says that suffering produces character and character produces hope (Romans 5). This is true both for the individual and for relationships. It’s not just a recipe for the heart of a person but for the soul of a relationship.

Suffering produces character within an organization, community, or relationship. It bonds people together in a significant way.

We all sense this. As much as we would like for things to go perfectly all the time, we realize that this is not the way the world works. And when we pretend it can be, we live in a kind of false harmony. There is a magic connection between people who have been through difficulty together. It is why sports teams have two-a-days and gangs have initiations. Even when it is unhealthy, like hazing or the gang thing, we recognize that going through difficult things together develops intimacy.

Intimacy Develops

So why is it that intimacy only comes through persevering in the midst of suffering?

First, it is real. There is nothing more honest, more genuine, more authentic than pain. Our superficial culture is trying so hard to be polished and professional, charming and likable. We put our best foot forward. The problem with all this careful primping is that we do not truly know one another. We know the versions we work so hard to present to one another.

Pain strips us down. It exposes us to one another. Even if the pain causes anger, it is honest, real to the core. Most of us have yelled terrible things at the people we love. And they love us, not just in spite of it, but because of the exposure to our truest selves.

We cannot really love one another if we don’t truly know one another. Pain plunges us into the deep waters. It pushes us past all the careful walls we build up and allows us to see one another, to care for one another in our vulnerability.

This is the ‘magic’ of intimacy. Once someone has seen our truest self and loved us there, everything changes. Even after the pain is over, the experience of having someone care for us in our deepest truth stays with us. It makes us feel seen, valued. And not so damned alone.

In It For The Long Haul

The other reason character develops in intimacy is because it reinforces commitment. Our immediate-gratification, what’s-in-it-for-me society has a big phobia of commitment. And we’ve already mentioned that pain stinks and is to be avoided. So if a pair of humans commits to a relationship in the midst of pain, it baffles our patterned thinking. When everything tells us to bail, we stay. The result is a definitive proof that we are truly committed to making the relationships work.

The difficulties of pain are a unique opportunity to decide what (and who) really matters to us. What survives pain will sprout into character. The other side of pain is either isolation or intimacy. The determining factor is the perspective we take in the midst of pain and the people we experience it with.

Previous Post

August 24, 2018

What The Mirror Says About Me

Next Post

August 29, 2018 The Difference Between A Rest Day and An Off Day

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Choices Conflict Resolution Culture Change Emotions Failure Faith Fear Freedom V Growth Healthy Communication Hope Identity Influence Leadership Learn Mistakes Mood Curve Ownership Perspective Power Relationships Self-Awareness Self-Governance Systems Thinking Three Things You Control Transformational Leadership Trust Truth Uncategorized Values Vision

Select a Month January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What animal did David protect his sheep from as a young shepherd?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Wolf and fox Lion and bear Eagle and serpent Horse and boar

Books by This Author Books by Victorious Living

See All Titles »