Ask Unfundamentalist Parenting: Tween Attitude

Last updated on: December 29, 2016 at 3:18 pm by Cindy Brandt

Ask Unfundamentalist Parenting: Tween Attitude 2016-12-29T15:18:08+08:00 Cindy Brandt

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Ask Unfundamentalist Parenting

Karissa Knox Sorrell asks in the unfundamentalist parenting group:

Do you have any advice on dealing with tween attitude in an unfundie manner? I have an 11 year old who likes to talk back and give attitude. I actually think her spunk will be beneficial to her in the future, but I also don’t feel like I can let her get away with outright disrespect of others. I have told her both of these things, but I find myself struggling to find the balance between when to give a consequence and when to let it go. I don’t want to turn her into a people-pleasing, compliant child just for the sake of obedience. But I also want to raise children who are kind to others. Thoughts?

First, I want to congratulate you for recognizing the value of raising a daughter with spunk. Girls are taught by the toxic airs of Patriarchy to be submissive and small, and I am thankful you are wanting to right this injustice by not clipping her wings. But you also, rightly, wish to see her soar with kindness—respectful of others even while she lives into her full personality.

With parenting, it is worthwhile to be thoughtful about our goals and work backward to see whether our methods are consistent with the kind of adult we want to raise our children to become. In unfundamentalist parenting, we take the utmost care to treat our children with equal value as adults, as Horton says, “a person is a person, no matter how small.” But we raise our children with justice in hopes that they would grow up and subvert the unjust systems of the world. We raise them WITH justice FOR justice.

What I know about the best justice workers in the world is this: they have fire in their bones but they also exude long-suffering spirits, unending compassion, lovingkindness, and they return love for hate over and over again. We cannot ultimately defeat the darkness of the world with evil but with love. We are not talking about respectability politics and superficial niceties—ain’t nobody got time for that—we are wanting to raise an army of resistance that perseveres by telling the truth, disrupting the status quo, and demanding equality.

Another thing I know about people who treats others with the value they deserve is this: they know deep in the fiber of their own beings, the high value of their own worth.

To sum up, the goal of unfundamentalist parenting is to raise adults who are so secure in their own beloved-ness, that they are able to not only respect the humanity in others but be willing to fight for it.

Now let’s bring it back to your 11 year old: she is doing the tremendous job of growing up, including differentiating her identity, coping with tumultuous hormonal changes in her body, managing social relationships outside of your family, and developing a vibrant spirituality. There could be a myriad of complex reasons she is talking back and being rude that I don’t think it’s the most helpful to dole out consequences but to discover alongside her how she can best regulate her emotional outbursts with the end goal of loving herself and loving others. Maturity isn’t pitting her spunk against kindness, or figuring out how to balance the two—it is to eventually merge the two into a force of nature, so that she becomes fierce in her kindness.

Call her into that beautiful vision. Tell her you are glad she is strong and knows how to express herself, and imagine a future with her where she uses her words for good. It is okay that she is not there yet, she’s 11! But let her know you believe she is becoming that person. Show her the respect that you want her to extend to others. Love her well so she has plenty to pour forth.

If her words are cutting and hurtful to yourself or to others, help her understand why they’re hurtful, not to dull her spirit but to sharpen it towards a better cause. Not to shame her but to lift her up into better character.

We need more women in our world who speak with power, who are unafraid to give a little attitude and stick it to the system. We need your 11 year old daughter to keep growing bigger, smarter, louder.

Thank you for doing the hard work of lifting her up, mama, it’s clear you are also plenty fierce.

Join our Facebook Group, Raising Children Unfundamentalist.

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