Leah’s Handy Guide to Not Letting Eros Destroy Philia

Last updated on: December 4, 2012 at 2:34 pm by Leah Libresco

Leah’s Handy Guide to Not Letting Eros Destroy Philia 2012-12-04T14:34:46-05:00 Leah Libresco

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

This post is part of a debate on gay marriage. I’m responding to Matt’s post on gay marriage and deep friendship, and this is the last part of my three-part rebuttal.

Matt and Esolen’s idea that sexual tension poisons relationships has pretty high stakes for me. As a bi girl, I am technically never not around people to whom I could conceivably be sexually attracted. And as an out bi girl, I’m around people who know that I know that they know that I am not categorically opposed to having sex with them on account of their physical secondary sex characteristics. (I may be categorically opposed for other reasons).

Esolen and Matt’s concerns imply that I’ve got some pretty meaningful barriers to friendship with people of either gender, but that hasn’t been my experience. I’ve lived with guys and girls, and I’ve seen plenty of both in their underwear or towels. (Yes, I have had the hot co-ed experience of seeing a girl in her bra while I pin parts of her dress so I can make alterations for her on my sewing machine. Yowza.)

So how do I do it? Well, one of the reasons my female friends are comfortable around me in a way they wouldn’t be with a straight guy isn’t any particular credit to me. Most of us don’t think of women as sexual aggressors. My female friends and casual female acquaintances never see Schrödinger’s rapist when they look at me, even if we’re alone in a dark alley. Not coming off as a sexual threat is more difficult for guys.

But that problem is muted if you’re already on the path to developing the kind of deep friendships that Matt and Esolen are trying to defend. So they’re really concerned about ambiguous sexual tension. If I exuberantly grab someone’s hand and do a few swing dance turns, my friend may not be able to share as wholeheartedly in my excitement because a part of zer is concerned I may be hitting on zer, and ze doesn’t want to send be the wrong signals. It’s not an idle concern; I’ve found myself in that situation, and I’m sure many of the readers have, too. Here are the two main ways I deal with it:

The ‘friendzone’ works

The longer you spend around someone without making sexual advances or things that look like sexual advances, the less likely it is that whatever you’re doing now will be interpreted as a come-on. It’s just good Bayesian updating on priors. That means this scourge of nice-guys-in-romcoms is your ally when it comes to developing deep friendships. It takes time for this effect to kick in, but it takes time to develop a deep friendship, too, so that’s fine.

Improv comedy is a good model for targeted flirting

In improv, the first rule is “Yes, and.” A scene can’t go anywhere unless you and your partner keep building on what the other person has done. So if someone says to you in a scene, “You’re late!” you can’t just say, “Yes” because then the scene stops. You have to say “Yes, and I was stuck behind a circus parade the whole way!” Now the other person has something to respond to.

When you’re flirting with someone, you can match whatever level of physical intimacy you have and then amplify slightly. If both people are using this strategy, it’s a feedback loop if they’re both trying to flirt. If the other person doesn’t “yes, and” your advance or asks you to tone it down, return to the previous level of engagement.

Let’s make everything more scripted!

Fine, I know no one but me likes this one, but if you’re bothered by ambiguity, why not make asking people out a lot more explicit? Take someone dancing, ask them out on dates, pass them a note in study hall, filter your message through three mutual friends, so no one has to deal with the awkwardness of a face to face rejection. If you’re known for being direct, people know that other physical intimacies don’t denote sexual attraction.

All of these solutions take effort, but they’re hardly a crippling burden. Matt is right that out gay people change some dynamics of friendships, but only modest adjustments are required to preserve the best parts of the old ways.

This post is part of a debate on gay marriage. I’m responding to Matt’s post on gay marriage and deep friendship, and this is the last part of my three-part rebuttal.

Marriage

anthony esolen @ yale

lgbt

Previous Post

February 8, 2012

When Men Treat Men Like Men Treat Women

Next Post

February 9, 2012 Divorce and the Doctrine of Individualism

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category 7 Quick Takes Apologetics Atheism Book Conversion Debate Tactics Debates Epistemology/Philosophy Housekeeping Ideological Turing Test Marriage Morality in Practice Parsing Catholicism Possibly Heretical Radio Reviews/Recommendations Sequence Index Spiritual Practice Uncategorized

Select a Month April 2017 March 2017 January 2017 December 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

I am a coat of many colors that sparked jealousy among brothers. What am I?

Select your answer to see how you score.

A royal garment Joseph's coat The priests robe Jacob's robe