{"id":8893,"date":"2013-06-10T11:15:36","date_gmt":"2013-06-10T16:15:36","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/tonyjones\/?p=8893"},"modified":"2015-03-13T16:43:45","modified_gmt":"2015-03-13T21:43:45","slug":"marg-herder-on-fear-and-the-paradox-of-surrender","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/tonyjones\/2013\/06\/10\/marg-herder-on-fear-and-the-paradox-of-surrender\/","title":{"rendered":"Marg Herder: On Fear and the Paradox of Surrender"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

<\/p>\n

In 1993 I participated in the LGBT March on Washington.\u00a0 This was an event in which hundreds of thousands of American gay people gathered in Washington, D.C. to demonstrate for equal protection under the law.<\/p>\n

I was 32 years old.\u00a0 I had been an out lesbian for 14 years.\u00a0\u00a0 It wasn\u2019t like today.\u00a0 Many of my friends were not out, especially not in every aspect of their lives, and all of us had been abused in some way due to who we were.\u00a0 Many of my friends suffered through angry and vicious times with their families.\u00a0 I was about the only person I knew who wasn\u2019t kicked out or somehow made to feel defective or worthless by my parents.\u00a0 Instead, in my case, the church stepped in to do that.<\/p>\n

All of us who gathered for the march knew pain.\u00a0 We were all wounded.\u00a0 And because of that we were all a little guarded, a little skittish, a little closed off.\u00a0 It took a lot of effort just to be.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Now we talk about equal rights.\u00a0 Back then I remember talking about equal protection, I think because we felt danger, like someone was stalking us all the time.<\/p>\n

The first night in Washington, D.C. my partner and our two friends returned to our hotel after dinner and walked through the city.\u00a0 There had been lots of gay people on the plane, in the airport, checking in to the hotel, on the Metro.\u00a0 There seemed to be ONLY gay people at the restaurant, and we all talked across tables to each other.\u00a0 There were gay people walking on the street, and we all smiled and spoke to each other.\u00a0 Everyone\u2019s eyes were wide open. Wide open.\u00a0 With wonder.\u00a0 Everyone was smiling<\/strong>.<\/p>\n

When I walked into our hotel room that night I remember just standing in the middle of the room looking around, because somehow everything had become so clear that it felt like I could actually see the molecules in the air.\u00a0 I was aware that something was gone, something had being stilled.<\/p>\n

And then I realized what it was.\u00a0 I had not been afraid all night.<\/strong> I had not been afraid that someone would ridicule my masculine appearance.\u00a0 I had not been afraid to walk down the street and hold my partner\u2019s hand, or that someone would make a rude comment if they saw me looking too deeply into her eyes.\u00a0 I had not been afraid that anyone would call me a f-ing queer.\u00a0 It hadn\u2019t been necessary to look behind me as I was walking on the street that night, because there was no one around who would want to hurt me because I was a lesbian.<\/p>\n

And only in fear\u2019s absence did I become aware that it had owned me for my entire adult life.<\/strong><\/p>\n

This was a remarkable moment for me, this moment in which I became aware of the incredibly binding burden of fear I carried always.<\/p>\n

This burden of fear is not unique to gay people.\u00a0 Women know this fear.<\/strong>\u00a0 From the time we are born we are taught, often in subtle ways, but also very clearly that it is our responsibility to be very careful with men.\u00a0 Because men can be very dangerous.\u00a0 Men can and do beat us, men can and do rape us.\u00a0 Men can and do kill us.\u00a0 Men can force us into situations not of our choosing, men can talk us into giving away every bit of our own power.\u00a0 Sometimes men are even able to convince us that God wills us to submit to their dominance and abuse, and that resisting this \u201cDivine Order\u201d is sinful and will mean the loss of our eternal souls.<\/p>\n

The fear that burdens gay people and women also burdens all people who are marginalized.\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0 Fear is prevalent in all people who do not share in the privilege of being the societal norm, the cultural seat of affluence and power, and the linguistic standard.<\/p>\n

Fear makes marginalized people act in ways that are not always pretty and often incomprehensible.\u00a0 Fear clouds our spirits, spoils our achievements.\u00a0 Fear can make us quick to anger, defensive, and reactive.\u00a0 Fear can make us feel tired and cranky.\u00a0 Fear can make us look sideways at other people\u2019s actions, expecting aggression, hostility, or denigration.\u00a0 Fear can make us internalize shame and doubt.<\/p>\n

Fear yields up bitterness and resentments that can last for millennia.\u00a0 But worst of all, unacknowledged fear makes it impossible to surrender fully to Love, All That Is, She Who Is, to Christ\/Sophia.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

It\u2019s a complicated thing, to understand a feeling you have no way to experience.\u00a0 For those who have been born into and brought up in positions of privilege, the fear the rest of us struggle with is strangely inconceivable.\u00a0 For marginalized people the fear we carry with us is so pervasive in our lives it takes a special set of circumstances to get a glimpse of it.\u00a0 I had never known the burden of fear I carried until I experienced it in its absence that night in Washington, D.C.<\/p>\n

So as I observe our recent history I see great efforts expended in hopes of convincing those of privilege to somehow become empathetic with those not of privilege, and participate in dismantling the structures that support continued injustice and inequality.\u00a0 And while I do not feel these are wasted efforts, I do think the outcome has been less than satisfactory.\u00a0 Privilege is going to be with us for a long time, and those who enjoy it are likely going to continue to be blind to it.<\/p>\n

A much better endeavor, in my opinion, would be for those of us marginalized and subordinated to address the oppression of our own fear.\u00a0 In doing so we might gain the insight necessary to mediate its influence and control over our lives, and open the door to a new way of being.<\/strong><\/p>\n

In short, we can\u2019t change our oppressors, but we can change ourselves.<\/strong><\/p>\n

In my case I have found that the first step to overcoming the limitations imposed by my ingrained fearfulness is to turn my attention from the clanging cymbal of my ego and instead patiently cultivate the stillness that allows me to hear and act upon the sound of Her voice in my life and in the world. To surrender to God instead of to my ego first requires my willingness to pry fear\u2019s fingers off of my heart, so that it can beat freely to the pulse of Her love.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a strange paradox, surrender to the Source in order to no longer be subject to one\u2019s oppressors.<\/strong><\/p>\n

As I become Love\u2019s most humble servant, committed to erring on Her side, I become able to limit my participation in the perpetuation of the fear cycle. The societal privilege some enjoy has less and less bearing on my life.<\/p>\n

This doesn\u2019t preclude criticism and speaking out about injustice and oppression.\u00a0 Truth can be spoken lovingly, just as it can be spoken violently.\u00a0 But I think truth must be spoken modestly.\u00a0 We must always retain an awareness of own human fallibility and the limitations of understanding, and know what emerges as truth comes only from the cultivation of a fearless heart open to a world constantly redefined by the experience of Her love.<\/p>\n

I believe that the act of becoming familiar with our fear will loosen the hold it has over us, allowing us to become better able to create ourselves fully, and more clearly embody our own particular manifestation of Divinity.\u00a0 There is nothing more earth-shattering, more historically pivotal than a person able to become a clear lens through which the love, peace and grace of Godde shines through<\/strong>.\u00a0 If even just a few of us can do that, we might create a new paradigm, one in which privilege as currently experienced ceases to matter.<\/p>\n

What is most desirable?\u00a0 That we use our resources to compete for unfettered access to the hierarchical systems created by centuries of global patriarchy, or that we initiate the exploration into creating a system of equality in peaceful coexistence and unconditional love?<\/p>\n

\u00a9 2013 by Marg Herder<\/p>\n

\u00a0Marg Herder writes for Christian Feminism Today<\/a> and serves as Office Manager and Web Developer for the Evangelical and Ecumenical Women\u2019s Caucus.\u00a0 In her creative work as a sound artist, musician, and photographer she often explores the beauty of being here, and asks how we who share this experience of incarnation might love and live more fully.<\/em><\/p>\n

This post is part of\u00a0Christian Feminism Week<\/a>\u00a0at Theoblogy.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In 1993 I participated in the LGBT March on Washington.\u00a0 This was an event in which hundreds of thousands of American gay people gathered in Washington, D.C. to demonstrate for equal protection under the law. 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