Grace, Grief, Death and Joy

Last updated on: March 16, 2018 at 6:57 pm by Leticia Adams

Grace, Grief, Death and Joy 2018-03-16T18:57:46-05:00 Leticia Adams

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Right now, I am sitting at the 1-year mark of the day between my birthday last year when I signed and paid for my son’s funeral and the 1-year mark of his funeral. A year ago, I was in absolute shock. I read my updates on Facebook from a year ago and I don’t even recognize myself. I see a woman whose life has just blown up and she is talking about needing cleaning supplies. I do not even understand what was going on in my head to think that what I needed days after finding my son dead in my garage was bleach and swifter sweepers. Had you told me that is how I would react to Anthony’s suicide before it happened I would have called you crazy. I assumed that I would fall on my knees screaming. I did scream for a minute. I yelled his name three times and then something in my brain told me to shut it down. Things had to be done, I had to be a mother, I had to call people and I had to make sure that I knew exactly what was happening, so I had to shut down all the yelling and screaming.

The only word that I can use to describe this past year is Grace. I did not think I was going to survive losing my son or survive watching my other children lose him. Every time my granddaughter asked for her daddy I was sure that I was going to break into a million pieces and nobody would be able to put me back together.

I wanted to die along with him. That was my first reaction to seeing him laying there with no life in him. I didn’t tell anyone that. But it is true. As I watched his coffin lowered into the ground I sat there with perfect composure on the outside but on the inside, I was screaming “No!” and praying for God to let me crawl in that grave with Anthony. Then I looked at my family and I saw my son’s fiancé, their two children, my husband and the faces of my other six children. I had other people to care for. When I stood up from my chair it was with a mission to do that. I no longer mattered, only they did.

No matter where I go or what I am doing the loss and grief follows me. Even if I am laughing or smiling, underneath it all is my heart in shattered pieces. I think about Anthony all day long every single day. He is the first thing I think about and the last. Every moment is lived through the lens of “he should be here”. But joy does get through that lens.

The joy of my oldest granddaughter winning at tug of war on her first field day. The joy of the second oldest grandbaby starting to talk. She was whining and crying so I asked her “what the heck do you want baby?!” and she looked me right in the eye and said, “I want a taco.” Oh, ok, let’s get the girl a taco then. She is so funny too, just like her daddy. There is joy in watching the oldest play in my backyard. The backyard that my husband and I dreamt of for our kids. Where they could all gather on holidays or random weekends but now it is where we all stand around and wish to God that Anthony could be with us. There is joy in going to Mass and hearing the words “Hosana in the Highest” and knowing the veil between heaven and earth has been lifted and hoping that Anthony is there happy to see us.

Grief and joy are so mixed together that I am often laughing and crying at the same time.

It’s been a year. A year of Grace and knowing that death has not won.

Previous Post

March 2, 2018

In The Cool of The Evening

Next Post

March 27, 2018 When You are Grieving During Holy Week

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category #PopeInUS 7 quick takes Abortion Bad Days Book Review Books Caitlyn Jenner Catholicsim Conversion Crosses Death Dignity of the Human Person Easter Ethics Evil Fall Family Fear Freedom Gay Marriage God Holy Week Homosexuality Jesus Laughter Lessons Love Marriage Mass Motherhood My Life New Evangelzation new year Parenting Peace Planned Parenthood Politics Pope Francis Pregnancy Race Rap Music Relationships Saints Sins Suffering Tempation The Catholic Church The Past Things about me Trust Truth Uncategorized Women's rights Writing

Select a Month December 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 May 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 October 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 August 2011 July 2011 May 2011

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What is the correct order of the seven churches addressed in Revelation?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Smyrna, Ephesus, Thyatira, Pergamum, Philadelphia, Sardis, Laodicea Ephesus, Smyrna, Pergamum, Thyatira, Sardis, Philadelphia, Laodicea Ephesus, Pergamum, Smyrna, Sardis, Thyatira, Laodicea, Philadelphia Laodicea, Philadelphia, Sardis, Thyatira, Pergamum, Smyrna, Ephesus