Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Through Broken Roses

Home
Catholic
Waiting for Redemption

Waiting for Redemption

Last updated on: May 11, 2016 at 1:08 pm by Leticia Adams

Waiting for Redemption 2016-05-11T13:08:33-05:00 Leticia Adams

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

A weeping angel gravestone in a cemetery in Rome. I took this picture on my trip there in 2010.
May the victims of the Colorado Planned Parenthood shooting rest in peace.

Grief is such a bitch. That’s the only way that I can describe it. In therapy last week I emotionally vomited on my therapist about my uncle’s death. I also talked to Jennifer Fulwiler about it on her show. The two talks were a bit different and frankly, ya’ll all should thank my therapist because if it wasn’t for her, my therapy session would have been what you heard on Jen’s show. That would not have been pretty.

My faith tells me that my Tio is in the hands of God which means that he is in the best possible place that any of us can be. God is loving, merciful and Who we are made for. I know that he died a holy death, that he was himself all the way to the end and that he had a good life. He was a great man who taught me more about Catholicism that I really knew until he passed away even if he was what people who call misogynistic and maybe a tiny bit of a jerk. He was his own man with absolutely no worries about what other people thought of him or his opinions. As you can see, I have a little bit of his characteristics at times.

While my faith tells me all of that, my brain and heart tell me that that is all complete bullshit. I miss my Tio so much that it literally hurts to think about all the memories that I have of him. My heart hurts even more when I think of all the memoires that I passed up with him because I didn’t make the time to call or visit as much as I should. He forgave me for that the day before he died, but I still haven’t forgiven myself. I was even told in confession once to make time to call him once a week.

When he was taking his last breaths the hospice nurse was telling us to tell him that it was ok for him to go. That isn’t what I wanted to say to him. I wanted to scream for them to help him and for him to stay with us because I needed him still. I went numb after he died because I felt like maybe he thought we didn’t think we needed him anymore by us saying that it was ok for him to let go. I didn’t feel like I had a right to be sad or to be in any kind of pain because I didn’t even make time to go see him for Easter like I had planned on doing. I was angry. At what I have no idea, but I was pissed.

I tried to hold it together at his funeral but I almost jumped right into that hole with him. There was an entire conversation in my head where I talked myself out of it. I break down in tears at random moments in the day and I really can’t get my brain to function so that I can do my homework or write about anything else other than how extremely heartbroken I am that the greatest man I’ve ever known is now buried in the ground somewhere as I try to talk myself into thinking that this is all part of some huge plan of God. That’s not what my heart thinks. My heart thinks that it’s all completely unfair.

I feel like grief is a box that I’m trapped in that I can’t find the exit for. I used to find an exit to everything through a bottle of Grey Goose, but apparently when you heal, that no longer works. It makes me wish I was still as broken as I was before beginning therapy. So how do healthy people who don’t get wasted to relieve the pain find the exit from this?

I just keep looking at Jesus hanging on the Cross. He is real, He did die and He did rise. I am just waiting for the redemption to kick in I guess.

Previous Post

May 10, 2016

Taste & See: Help with the Pollution of Noise

Next Post

May 12, 2016 I am No Longer Pro-life/ **I need to update this post

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category #PopeInUS 7 quick takes Abortion Bad Days Book Review Books Caitlyn Jenner Catholicsim Conversion Crosses Death Dignity of the Human Person Easter Ethics Evil Fall Family Fear Freedom Gay Marriage God Holy Week Homosexuality Jesus Laughter Lessons Love Marriage Mass Motherhood My Life New Evangelzation new year Parenting Peace Planned Parenthood Politics Pope Francis Pregnancy Race Rap Music Relationships Saints Sins Suffering Tempation The Catholic Church The Past Things about me Trust Truth Uncategorized Women's rights Writing

Select a Month December 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 May 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 October 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 August 2011 July 2011 May 2011

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who did Paul send to check on the Thessalonians when he could not come himself?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Silas Titus Luke Timothy