The Struggle

Last updated on: March 28, 2015 at 12:25 pm by Leticia Adams

The Struggle 2015-03-28T12:25:05-05:00 Leticia Adams

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

I have been reading He Leadeth Me this past week and I can’t tell you just how great of a book it is. Last Sunday my life hit this all-time low where I really felt as if I was at a crossroads in several parts of my life. I had no idea which way to turn and I really felt as if God was standing there waiting for me to make some kind of huge decision. I am not Mary for sure, but I did feel as if God was asking me a question and waiting for me to say yes or no. The only problem was that I didn’t really understand the question and I could really see where the road to “yes” was going to lead. I felt as if I was blindfolded and expected to decide which way was the right way to turn. And that scared the shit out of me.

My therapist asked me how I felt about it all and all I could say was that I was scared. I was scared that God didn’t really exist and I was also scared that He did and I was failing Him. She mentioned how that sounded a lot like Jesus during His agony in the garden. I had not thought of that but as I did, I imagined that Jesus did understand exactly how I felt since He had even asked for the cup of suffering to pass Him by, but ultimately He wanted God’s will to be done. What I realized is that I have never really 100% submitted to God’s Will. I have always had all these conditions and I have always had to keep some small control (if I’m honest, a lot of control) in everything that I do for “God’s sake”.

Fr. Walter Ciszek writes about how he realized just how much self was involved in every choice he ever made even if he was saying that he was doing God’s will. I recognized myself in that. So much that it scared me. I have spent these years after my conversion claiming that I wanted to share Jesus with the world, while it is true that I do want to do that and God put that desire on my heart, at the end of the day it is all about me. I wanted to do it so that I would be holy, make myself worthy of love, and be applauded for how great I am. In front of giving God glory was me wanting praise. Not just praise, but money. Money to take care of myself, because God is obviously not going to, sure He said He will take care of everything, but He didn’t mean the light bill.

What I have always wanted out of life was happiness. Happiness meant a nice house, no suffering, a fireplace, people falling over themselves to be around me and my kids all having everything they could ask for. All of that is the opposite of what life with Christ has been. We had that for about a year and then it all slowly started to get taken away or lost somehow. I have spent a lot of time whining about it and complaining to God about how unfair it all is. I have made Him lists of all the great things that I have done that means His allowing me to suffer, after all the suffering I have already been through, is the rudest thing He could ever do to me. I have doubted Him and I have seriously considered leaving the Catholic Church and giving up this entire Christian thing. Last Sunday I came pretty damn close to despair. I didn’t even cry or fight or make a scene, that’s how defeated I was. I get why people leave the Church. Who wants to suffer like that?

And who ever talks about suffering like that? Until I read He Leadeth Me, I had not read anyone else describe the thinking that’s behind the suffering of someone who has given everything to be Christ’s. It was only after reading it that I realized just how much I have kept from Him. How many conditions I put on my love of Him and how much I think that I have to work for Him to love me back.

This Lent I didn’t give up anything except the idea that I had to earn God’s love. I have been working on accepting my life, my suffering, my faults and my gifts while accepting that God loves me more than I think He does just as I am, not as I think I should be. I do not have to do things to be loved by Him. That is harder than giving up anything. I have realized just how much Jesus knows the way it feels to wish that He didn’t have to hang on a Cross but at the same time realize that God’s will is the way to the Cross of salvation. He said “pick up your cross and follow me” and I have spent most of my life running away from that cross or whining about how heavy it is. For the first time in my life, I am learning to embrace it. Reading the story of a Catholic priest who wanted to tell people about Jesus and ended up in a Siberian Labor Camp has made me realize that I’m not the victim of God’s unfair expectations, but I am blessed that He loves me enough to help me work out my salvation in trembling and fear. I would never be able to explain how that works, but I do know one thing: God does not ask anything of me that He Himself did not take upon Himself to do.

The Christian life is the greatest struggle; it is a battlefield. Dying to self is the way to holiness. I have realized this week that holiness is not the same as happiness the way the world presents it, but it leads to the happiness we were made for; the happiness of being a part of the life of God.

Previous Post

March 26, 2015

Winner of my First Giveaway!!!

Next Post

March 30, 2015 The Fear of Holy Week

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category #PopeInUS 7 quick takes Abortion Bad Days Book Review Books Caitlyn Jenner Catholicsim Conversion Crosses Death Dignity of the Human Person Easter Ethics Evil Fall Family Fear Freedom Gay Marriage God Holy Week Homosexuality Jesus Laughter Lessons Love Marriage Mass Motherhood My Life New Evangelzation new year Parenting Peace Planned Parenthood Politics Pope Francis Pregnancy Race Rap Music Relationships Saints Sins Suffering Tempation The Catholic Church The Past Things about me Trust Truth Uncategorized Women's rights Writing

Select a Month December 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 May 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 October 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 August 2011 July 2011 May 2011

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who parted the Red Sea for the Israelites?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Aaron God Moses Jacob