Ask the Thoughtful Pastor: how do I stop playing the game with a passive-aggressive husband?

Last updated on: October 12, 2016 at 12:59 pm by Christy Thomas

Ask the Thoughtful Pastor: how do I stop playing the game with a passive-aggressive husband? 2016-09-24T14:21:05-05:00 Christy Thomas

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Right now, it looks like you have become a puppet to his approval or disapproval. He expresses it by silence and body language, which you then are required to read and interpret accurately. If you interpret it right, he simply denies it. If you interpret it wrong, then you failed. Talk about a no-win, powerless position!

puzzled woman sun in back My pastoral advice: learn to feel good about who you are and the choices you make. Separate your own emotional life from the need for his approval.

Key: you are not responsible for your husband’s moods. He is. The more you think you can control them by your actions or skills at mind-reading, the worse the relationship gets. You each need to own your own.

When you see these challenging situations on the horizon, move from “What do I have to do to get him in a better mood” to “Exactly what I am thinking, feeling and experiencing right now? What is causing my own anxiety level to get higher? What can I do for myself to release that internal pressure and find my own peace and joy? How can I love both myself and him more honestly and freely in this situation?”

Practice staying in your own mind and out of his. Move from “You need to stop what you are doing so I feel better” to “What options do I have to deal with this without asking him to change who he is and what he does?”

As you detach from his emotional life, it is likely that he will up the pressure a bit to return to your previous patterns. Hold firm to your soul and practice loving him exactly as he is without the need to leave yourself behind in the process. In time, you will both move to a far more healthy place.

[Note: a version of this column is scheduled to run in the Oct 14, 2016, edition of the Denton Record Chronicle. The Thoughtful Pastor, AKA Christy Thomas, welcomes all questions for the column. Although the questioner will not be identified, I do need a name and verifiable contact information in case the newspaper editor has need of it. Please email questions to: [email protected].]

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