A Brief Respite In the Garden and With Family

Last updated on: August 21, 2010 at 1:17 pm by Christy Thomas

A Brief Respite In the Garden and With Family 2010-08-21T13:17:00-05:00 Christy Thomas

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Note: this is an excerpt from An Ordinary Death: Where Grief and Relief Hold Hands, available from Amazon.com.

It has been eight days now since my mother was found with her massive and multiple strokes. I spent the first six days with her, although I did start going home at nights.

Yesterday, Friday, I just couldn’t go. I needed to get back to work, to get the message ready for Sunday, to meet with my staff who have been at a vital seminar all week that I had to miss, and to start facing the challenges here.

I also needed to give the parsonage a swift pick up as my son and daughter-in-law who live in London decided to fly over and see me.

Yes, they came to see me. They came out of love for their grandma, but more out of concern for me and my own agonies with this situation with my mother. What kindness!

So, Keith, my sweet husband, who himself has been battling what seems like a never ending storm of kidney stones, went grocery shopping. I invited my brother, who is here from California, and my sister and her husband to join us for dinner.

Keith put on a royal feast for us. I had been eating hospital food off paper and plastic all week, so decided to get out the good china. As I set the table, I realized I didn’t have a centerpiece, so dashed to the very neglected garden and found some lovely celosia and zinnia blooms from plants that had managed to stay alive in the burning heat and packed them together in a crystal bowl.

We feasted on marvelous appetizers, a combination of sushi, sashimi, and shrimp. Keith had purchased a tenderloin, and took orders as to the way we wanted it fixed. Multiple salads preceded the perfectly cooked meat, accompanied by grilled vegetables. A choice of desserts (Crème brûlée or chocolate mouse) followed. We relaxed, satiated. My son and daughter in law, exhausted from their travels (they had been vacationing in Abu Dhabi, so flew from there, dropped their children off in London, and then came here), went to sleep, and my brother, sister and I continued our conversation about our mother.

We’re doing all the right things. Actively researching rehab centers, looking into the complexities of medicare reimbursement policies, making contingency plans. We are intentionally doing all we can to delay her release from the hospital to give her more time to regain some strength so she can actually respond to the therapists at the rehab center. Otherwise, we waste precious and limited rehab days because she can’t do the work necessary to progress.

When we are in the hospital room with her, we intentionally stand or sit on her left side to force her to start using that side of her body again. We put swabs in her mouth to encourage her to start to swallow. When the therapists come in to work with her we . . . well, we try to keep her awake. And this is the problem: she doesn’t want to wake up. The coma-like sleep continues and does not seem to be lessening. Her heart stays in a-fib unless on a constant drip of some regulating medication. From that moment of unusual clarity on Monday, her confusion seems to be growing, not decreasing.

But when the therapists come, they say loudly, “Mrs. Thomas, wake up!” We join in, “Mother, wake up. Work with the therapist!” I was out in the hall a couple of days ago when the speech therapist was there. I heard my sister shout in what sounds like such an angry tone, “WAKE UP, MOMMA.” Yes, wake up.

But she doesn’t want to. She just wants to sleep. She’s tired. She worn out. She’s ready to go. She passively submits to whatever is being done in her half wake state and then drifts back to sleep. This is not my mother.

And I know this is not what she wants. We had talked too much about this. This is not what she wants. Catheters, feeding tubes, medication drips, strangers all over her body, trampling the privacy of a private woman.

This morning, I spent a couple of hours in my neglected garden, knowing it was alive at all only because Krum was one of the places that saw some rain this week. I rummaged around and found two full-grown eggplants, dozens of okra pods, most too mature to cook, but still enough for a good pot of heavenly fried okra, and, much to my surprise, two ripe cherry tomatoes, which I immediately picked and gave to my daughter-in-law for a special treat. I found enough sweet peppers for my son to put in the frittata he was fixing for breakfast (how my three sons all turned into such good cooks after growing up in my household will forever remain a mystery–perhaps it was just a survival mechanism), and noted that while the basil has gone to seed, there is still plenty to enjoy. But much needs to be pulled and placed in the compost bins. Time for them to decompose and give life to the next generation of plants.

Death comes. There are times to fight it with every piece of medical genius available. And there is a time to welcome it as a good friend, and start looking for the angels to take us to the next place.

I want to do the right thing. But I know very well how disappointed she’d be in me to know about these decisions. Thousands and thousands of dollars being spent in what are clearly the last weeks or maybe months of her life, imprisoned in her body in an impersonal hospital room, when what she wanted was comfort care and her own home.

Health care is a limited resource. We’re she adequately cognizant, the first thing she would say is, “That money should be spent on saving the lives of children, or younger people suffering these debilitating strokes, not prolonging mine when it is time for me to go.”

Why can’t we cooperate with nature? What are we missing here? The last thing I want is to see the elderly routinely dispatched into hastened deaths. Those elderly are our national treasure. They are the repositories of wisdom. They embody our history. They are our important link with the past so perhaps we might create a more adequate future. They are our beloved parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents. They deserve love, care and utmost respect. And they deserve to be treated better than this at the end.

“A Pastor’s Thoughts” from First UMC, Krum, www.thekrumchurch.com

an ordinary death

death and dying

Previous Post

August 18, 2010

Hospitals and other Thoughts, August 18, 2010

Next Post

August 22, 2010 The Loss of a Generation

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category " obedience abortion accommodation accountability administration adolescence Advent advice an ordinary death anxiety apology apportionments Ash Wednesday ask thoughtfulpastor baptism betrayal Bible bondage calling certainty change character charity children Christianity Christmas church church as garden clergy clergy credentials closure comfort compassion competition compromise Confirmation conservation conservative conspiracy theories consumer conversion coronavirua corruption courage covenant cultural context death Deconstruction discipleship discord divorce doctrine doing good drugs dysfunctional Easter Easter; Resurrection education election entertainment envy escape evaluation evil exclusive church exercise faith faithfulness family fasting fear feast featured film review finances first world problem food forgiveness fundamentalist garden gay marriage General Conference generosity giving thanks GLBT glory good government grace guilt habit happy harmony hateful acts healing health health care heaven hell hello/goodbye heresy hidden agenda holiness homelessness homosexuality humility hymn hypocrisy Imago Dei In training inclusive church indulgence injustice innocents insurance intolerance itinerancy joy Justice kindness Kingdom of Heave kingdom of heaven language laughter laundry lawsuit leadership Lent LGBTQ liberal life Little Things Matter longform meandering thoughts memories mercy metaphor metrics miracle misfortunes morality Mormon Muslim mystery worship natural disasters New Category Name nutrients older adults oppression pain Paleo paperwork partnered pastor peace pension pharmaceutical placebo politics poverty prayer privilege public schools questions quiet racism rain reason reconciliation religion repentance requirements rescue respect rest resurrection retirement Sabbath sacrament sacred salvation same-sex marriage sanctuary schism schooling science SCOTUS secrecy separation of church and state sexism sexuality short cuts silence sin sleep soil spiritual journey stillness suffering surgery sustainable church teacher technology thank you theology therapy thinking tolerance TOS trust truth Uncategorized welcome Why Easter? wisdom women worship

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 December 2025 October 2025 September 2025 July 2025 June 2025 March 2025 February 2025 December 2024 November 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 April 2024 March 2024 January 2024 December 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 October 2022 September 2022 July 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 October 2021 July 2021 June 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 January 2020 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 December 2017 November 2017 October 2017 September 2017 August 2017 July 2017 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 May 2008 April 2008 March 2008 February 2008 January 2008 December 2007 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 July 2007 March 2007

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz