Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

The Road Home

Home
Evangelical
Five Things Men Should Do If Their Fathers Sucked

Five Things Men Should Do If Their Fathers Sucked

Last updated on: December 2, 2015 at 4:21 pm by Dean

Five Things Men Should Do If Their Fathers Sucked 2015-12-02T16:21:48-05:00 Dean

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Nobody gets to have a perfect dad. The best are flawed even though they try. Some are just rotten. Fortunately, my dad was one of the better ones. He was always a kind and faithful presence in my brother’s and my lives growing up. Whatever happened, we knew we could count on him to be there when we needed him.

Not everyone can say the same. From time to time, I hear from men whose fathers have let them down. Some of their fathers were cold or absent. Some have stories of terrible abuse. These are complex problems with no simple solutions, but there are still things we can do to make things better.

Here are five of them:

1. Find a mentor.

You can only have one father, and you don’t get to pick him. You do, however, get to pick others who can help you grow. Find others you admire and build relationships with them. Ask them to help you become like them. These relationships will increase your knowledge, wisdom and skills. As you acquire these, you’re confidence will grow.

These mentors don’t all have to be people you know. Many men writing online can help. Simply reading and pondering their material will help you grow in those areas where a troubled relationship with your father left you lacking. James Altucher has been one of these online mentors for me and many others. Maybe he can help you too. Also, don’t forget to check Art of Manliness daily.

Don’t be lazy about this. If you were abused by your father, you were a victim. Don’t victimize yourself further by neglecting to be intentional about finding relationships you need now.

2. Dedicate yourself to a mission

Abusive men abuse, in part, because their lives are not devoted to a worthy and uplifting calling. Without such a purpose to draw them out of themselves, they become ingrown, self-involved, unable to rise above their own pain. Without a mission to give them a framework for transforming their pain into positive energy, all they can do is pass that pain in to others.

You don’t have to. By dedicating yourself to a worthy goal, your life has a direction and you have motivation to throw off everything that hinders you from achieving it, including the residual damage you sustained from your father’s problems.

If you don’t know what you want to do with your life, what your mission should be, pick anything. Don’t try to decided what to spend your life doing. Decide what sounds good to attempt in the next six months. Work on meeting women. Learn a martial art. Practice a musical instrument. Garden. All these things are short-term missions. As you pursue them, the long-term focus of your life will become clearer.

3. Work on forgiveness

This can be tough to hear, especially if your father was cruel or exceptionally abusive. Nevertheless, forgiveness is a process of freeing yourself from the lasting effects of the damage your father did. Forgiveness alone allows men to step out of the chains their fathers imperfections put on them and to pursue their missions unencumbered.

As tough as it is to hear that forgiveness is necessary, it can be even tougher to do. Fortunately, there are resources. These books might be a good place to start. However you start the process, the important thing is to get going.

4. Commit to being a better man than your father was

Even the worst fathers can bequeath the gift of a bad example. If your father was rotten, at least he showed you what not to be. If you had a father who was cruel, selfish, or wholly irresponsible, when faced with a decision, ask yourself what your dad would do in this situation. Then, do the opposite.

Of course, you don’t want to spend your life trying to prove that you are better than he was, as though what matters is winning the morality Olympics. At the same time, don’t neglect the bad example he put before you so that you will know what habits to cultivate and which to avoid. Do what he would not. Was he an alcoholic? Don’t drink. Was he violent? Find some positive way to handle your anger. Was he emotionally out-of-control, unable to resolve issues from his own past? Get therapy.

Whatever you do, map out your own path and make sure it leads you in a direction different from the one your father chose.

5. Try to remain open to the consolations of faith

No one is saying you have to run out and become some hard-core fundamentalist. Rather, a willingness to, at least, remain open to spiritual input will help with the five other steps. Christian scripture has much to say about fathers and fathering, including the promise that God will be a father to the fatherless (Psalm 68:5) and that the Lord takes up even those forsaken by their parents (Psalm 27:10).

Being willing to connect with these truths can help. The solace of knowing you are not, ultimately, rejected by the Father who matters is a powerful means of coming to peace with the limitations of our biological dads. Be willing to ponder this.

In the end, know that these things aren’t magic. Certainly, they aren’t going to fix everything quickly. But, walking the path these principles map out will help you fix what can be fixed. And, in the long-run, they’ll help you live peacefully with everything that can’t.

_____________________________________________

Thank you for reading this post. If you found it valuable, please share it on social media using one of the buttons below. You may also want to support my work by leaving a tip in the tip jar on the main page or by supporting me on Patreon.

Character

Family

Parenting

Previous Post

November 30, 2015

Why Dating Ought to be Resurrected

Next Post

December 7, 2015 The Book that Saved My Life

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category An Approximate Home Character Community Faith Family masculinity Memory Parenting Place Podcast Resources and Reviews Reviews Simplicity Society The Economics of Home Building Uncategorized

Select a Month September 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018 March 2018 February 2018 January 2018 June 2017 May 2017 April 2017 March 2017 February 2017 January 2017 December 2016 November 2016 October 2016 September 2016 August 2016 July 2016 June 2016 May 2016 April 2016 March 2016 February 2016 January 2016 December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 March 2015 February 2015 December 2014 October 2014 September 2014 July 2014

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What does 1 John say about anyone who claims to be in the light but hates a brother or sister?

Select your answer to see how you score.

They are in darkness They do not know God They are hypocrites They are liars