Backstabbing in Hell

Last updated on: January 24, 2014 at 11:57 am by Marta Hummel Mossburg

Backstabbing in Hell 2014-01-24T11:57:00-04:00 Marta Hummel Mossburg

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My Dear Dissonance,

I received a visit from Our Father’s Secret Police last Friday at midnight. It seems that you have been sharing our letters with them like the good informant I have been training you to be.

It took me all weekend to make Detective Tool and Detective Parochial realize that my alleged theological errors were deliberate tests of your character and not mistakes on my part. They were particularly concerned that I bought into the idea that love exists and highlighted numerous passages where it seemed I went wobbly on right thinking. In particular, they focused on one of my most recent statements that we tempters are powerless to destroy certain marriages because we don’t understand the power of love. As they reminded me, correctly, love is a figment of the Enemy’s imagination.

After four three hour interrogations (when I could have been out working, I might add) I convinced them that I wrote the passage as a challenge to incite you to take on bigger projects than your current Patient to prove me wrong, not in a spirit of defeatism as they first suggested. But now I realize I will have to be more literal in my letter writing with you. BTW –it would have been nice if you had let me know that you were sharing our correspondence with the higher ups — not that I have anything to hide. But at least I have been warned.

I had been thinking about rewriting the parables as a tool for winning converts – and sharing them with you, but that might get me in more hot water as Our Father’s police have so little imagination. Bureaucrats. They think the cold hard truth will draw people to us, which is as insane as the Westboro Baptist Church members who think the Enemy kills U.S. soldiers because the country tolerates homosexuality, and that they will win converts by preaching that message. Not that I mind them out picketing soldiers’ funerals as it helps to give God a bad name – at least for some — but you get my point.

Unlike us, most humans are by nature irrational, or at least a 70/30 irrational/rational mix, in my opinion. How else can you explain Detroit, once one of America’s most revered cities, falling into bankruptcy? The facts were so plain to see, but no one wanted to understand them. Numbers are so cold and boring to modern Americans. They need stories that make them feel good.

As I guess you do, too, seeing as you thought you could get a promotion by snitching on me. And to think I actually tried to mentor you. What a silly thought on my part that self-sacrifice would lead to a strong familial alliance on our part. Thank you for reminding me that we only exist to promote ourselves and that the whole notion of family is merely a construct to obligate people to do things against their best interest.

As Ayn Rand so eloquently put it, “It only stands to reason that where there’s sacrifice, there’s someone collecting the sacrificial offerings. Where there’s service, there is someone being served. The man who speaks to you of sacrifice is speaking of slaves and masters, and intends to be the master.”

Please know that I still find it rewarding to hear of your work with the Patient, as it helps to hone my skills. And now that I have the benefit of a few days perspective, the visit by the Secret Police was the best thing that could have happened to me as maybe, just maybe, I could have started to go soft on a few doctrinal points after watching the life of your Patient change so dramatically. Perhaps a good theological enema like Tool and Parochial performed on me should be a standard yearly procedure for tempters. Fear – and staying sharp – are great motivators to do the will of Our Father.

Your affectionate aunt,

Pandemonium

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