My Evolution: Now It’s Getting Personal

Last updated on: May 29, 2015 at 9:13 am by Adam Berman

My Evolution: Now It’s Getting Personal 2015-05-29T09:13:47-05:00 Adam Berman

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30 years ago, I was ordained an elder in The Church of the Nazarene. The Nazarenes are enthusiastic folks who set their sights on holy living. A concept that I always found sort of obscure and confusing. Holiness Unto The Lord, the church’s slogan, pretty much boiled down to living by a standard of ethics that would keep sin at bay. As I got deeper into the theology, I was moved by the focus on perfect love, heart consecration and entire sanctification, but always felt uncomfortable with rules on the books like no dancing or movies. In all fairness, the latest church manuals contain revisions, but as far as I am concerned there is just an inherent problem with trying to legalize morality. Today it makes me sad that so many people, not just the Nazarenes, are being robbed of the joy of living in the freedom that Christ so generously gives.

It wasn’t the denomination that drew me, it was the experience of that particular congregation. The Pastor was only 30, which was crazy to me, and the first night I visited a Wednesday prayer meeting he said something about he and his wife ‘doing it’, “that’s right, even your Pastor is human,” I recall him joking. Such talk from a pulpit, especially from a charismatic guy dressed in a Yankee jersey and shorts, impressed the heck of that 21 year old newbie. That place and time will forever remain one of my most cherished memories. The years I spent at that church were amazing and I will always be grateful for the grounding that I got there. It was there that I met my wife, and had my first child, and it was there that I was prayed over and commissioned to Pastor my own congregation.

There is a verse in a song called “Stained Glass Masquerade” by Casting Crowns that goes, “Am I the only one who has exchanged the altar for a stage?” That’s what being a Christian was always like to me, being on stage. I’m not saying that I or anyone else is insincere, just maybe a little more guarded and spit-polished. I tend to think that’s what happens when you try to live by someone else’s rules of how God wants you to behave. At the time, there wasn’t a snowballs chance in hell that an “entirely sanctified” pretty-boy would dare admit to suspecting, much less being, gay. Who am I kidding, there would still be some old-fashioned stoning in some places if someone uttered those words aloud. The love the sinner not the sin mentality, while intended to be a comfort, was a phrase I always found just disturbing. I loved the comradery and the love and acceptance, but from the beginning something never sat right with me. It was too hard; a never ending cycle of unmet expectations and failure. The Good News as far as I was concerned, was mediocre at best.

Fast-forward almost a decade later, the church that I so desperately wanted to help and nurture was in shambles. So was my family. So was I. My addiction to painkillers led me to prison and the people with whom I was closest branded me an outcast and eventually a pariah. I often think about the men and woman that I prayed and wept with, who now want nothing to do with me.

Eight and a half years in the hostile environment of prison gives a fella a lot of time to think, and read, and study, and pray, and most importantly experience life, real life, down in the trenches life. I needed that. My life and faith had to this point only been conducted in a gilded cage. Had it not been for those years behind bars, I would have never been able to experience God in such magnificent grandeur as I do today.

When you land in prison, broken, battered and beaten, its hard not to understand the humanity that Christ came to rescue. Forgiveness and redemption take on a whole new meaning. Its not about the depths of depravity but about the pinnacle of His grace at man’s nadir. It makes no sense that only the shiny and polished receive God’s favor, because there is a mass of humanity who don’t, aren’t and will never find their way into a church, but in many ways embody the Body of Christ more genuinely than some of those on the streets. I was always amazed by the sense of community that naturally developed through having a common goal (getting out) and common enemy (the system), much like schoolmates, office workers and survivors of disaster. I would go as far as to say that I believe that this common-purposed bond is one of the most powerful pieces of the life that 12 step programs have to offer, and why I feel far more comfortable in an anonymous-meeting than sitting in a pew on Sunday morning.

I would like to say that I am a survivor of the church, as many do, but I feel like its a little bit disrespectful. Same as the law was the prologue to grace, yesterdays religion is very much a springboard for today’s faith. 21st Century Christianity is in a time of re-evaluation and change. I would never want to rewrite the Scriptures or dishonor truth in any way, but what I was taught had too many holes, left too many questions, and seemed to be for a time well before my own. Not to mention that Jesus didn’t appear to be getting quite enough credit. What I know now is that God’s history is progressive and the Bible is an intimate and historical glimpse of what it looks like when God and man collide. There is no evidence that the New Testament authors could have possibly foreseen that their writings would form the doctrine of millenniums-in-the-future religion. Their message was for their day, and while principally applicable, never written as a doctrine or constitution. Like the evolution of society, His story is not over yet. It grows and expands and twists and turns in a moral arc skillfully projecting off in to eternity.

Its been a long time since I officiated at a wedding or funeral. I don’t run board meetings or preach on Sunday morning anymore. I do however believe that this ex-pastor, ex-con, recovering addict, gay, PTSD survivor is still called to live and share the grace, forgiveness and extravagant love that have been so lavishly poured out on me. I may never be a holy guy or even come close to glowing in the dark, but I believe that my value to the Kingdom comes from where I’ve been and who He designed and created me to be.

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