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Good Questions – Am I Getting Better?

Good Questions – Am I Getting Better?

Last updated on: January 14, 2025 at 10:41 am by Karl J. Forehand

Good Questions – Am I Getting Better? 2025-01-14T10:41:26-06:00 Karl J. Forehand

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Good Questions – Am I Getting Better?

Photo by Evelyn Chong

The smart ones ask when they don’t know.

And, sometimes, when they do.

~Malcolm Forbes

I continue to ask these questions. While some might believe they create bitterness or conflict, I hope they will lead us to a greater understanding. Stepping outside organized religion has enabled me to connect with the universe’s subtle messages and rhythms, allowing me to embrace the peace and solace I discover. My comfort arises not from a fixed belief system but from a continual pursuit of understanding that questions everything.

Am I Getting Better?

For about 25 years, I witnessed the inner workings of various smaller churches while helping to plant and revive several initiatives. No two efforts are identical; often, churches have unique views on what makes their ministries stand out.

As individuals enter the church’s front door, almost an equal number exit through the other door, not returning. This shift has accelerated with increased accessibility to information, leading many to question their faith and explore alternative paths. Our main goal is to attract new members, encourage their involvement, and foster engagement with the church so they will remain active, contribute financially, and volunteer their time, ensuring the organization’s success.

Some churches are bold enough to reach beyond their own walls. For a more progressive church, this could involve setting up a booth at a pride festival. Churches engage in parades and community activities and offer free babysitting during their Vacation Bible School and summer camps, hoping to encourage parents to attend the final program of the event. While these activities may be presented as a means to “save souls,” their primary aim often serves as a recruitment strategy.

In many contemporary churches, systems are in place to warmly welcome individuals at the entrance, address their inquiries, and connect them with the congregation and the church’s mission. This practice of excessive kindness, often observed with new pastors, is referred to as the honeymoon phase. During this time, the community expresses immense joy over a new pastor, overwhelming them with praise while reserving their grievances for later.

Nearly all churches host a performance weekly. Whether it’s called Mass, a worship service, or a temple, this organized, rehearsed event is designed to uplift attendees while reinforcing the community’s beliefs. Approximately 70% of the funds collected during offerings are allocated for buildings, salaries, and the weekly show. This draws in new members and reinforces the existing congregants’ conviction that they belong to the right group and have divine support.

As I have mentioned before, most pastors and churches begin with sincere intentions and have ambitious aspirations to assist individuals and make a difference in their communities. However, as a new church evolves into an organization, the organization often takes precedence over its members. Churches tend to prioritize the collective over the individual. Consequently, when a church becomes overwhelmed with activity, and the staff and congregation concentrate on attracting new members and maintaining weekly services, individuals may feel neglected. If they voice their concerns, they are typically urged to participate more, a suggestion often perceived as merely increasing labor output.

It’s easy to view this as typical for any group, and that may be accurate. However, the individual who entered the situation likely wasn’t significantly healed before being given a role and set to work. It’s uncommon for a pastor to skip a Sunday service or mass to care for a congregant, as Jesus recommended.

I believe there are multiple reasons churches fail to address the needs of their congregation or effectively assist them in managing their trauma and toxic shame.

They are too busy.

As I mentioned earlier, organizations set priorities, often focusing on recruiting new members and maintaining operations. Providing individuals with quality mental health counseling and trauma-informed healing requires significant time, patience, and financial resources. When a church experiences any success, it tends to become too preoccupied to continue attending to the newly rescued lost sheep.

Churches effectively regulate emotions, even if they don’t fully grasp the process. When someone hugs you, shakes your hand, or remembers your name, it releases chemicals that promote relaxation and a sense of well-being. The service aims to uplift attendees but can also evoke strong emotions, ultimately guiding them toward emotional regulation at the end when they cry and connect with others.

Despite churches’ claims of miraculous healing, substantial evidence is lacking. We have spoken to numerous devoted former Christians who were model members, adhering to church teachings even when those teachings proved traumatic. In truth, minimal healing has occurred. What they often faced was a blend of the positive aspects of the church with triggering and fear-based messages, which entrenched them in a continual cycle of self-blame and submission to the organization. The church seldom addresses mental health and trauma issues, relying instead on the belief that God will provide miraculous healing. After serving as a pastor for 20 years in various ministries, including deliverance-type ones, I find little concrete evidence that this method is effective.

After leaving the ministry, I instinctively credited my healing to being receptive to new ideas and having the time to explore them, free from church attendance and the influence of clergy and organizational systems. I ultimately concluded that I didn’t want to reach the end of my life without having improved just because I hadn’t made time for therapy.

They don’t understand the problem.

Churches often fall behind on social issues. Many religious organizations view the outside world as sinful, dangerous, and unpredictable, which leads them to isolate themselves and promote their own practices as superior. This approach can prevent them from embracing new insights that could help them improve and address their vulnerabilities.

When the psychological issues and nature of trauma are not understood, pastors may fail to effectively support their congregations and might inadvertently worsen situations. They may condemn beneficial practices, mistakenly believing they are acting appropriately due to a lack of understanding or disconnect from scientific insights. A troubled church member may even face ridicule or further trauma when criticized for lacking faith in God to resolve their struggles.

During my time as a pastor, I observed this dynamic unfold in the churches I led. After the first year, I came to understand that many people were struggling and hoped the church could provide solutions. As a result, they often showed loyalty to the pastor and committed to church practices, even when it might not be in their best interest. They were encouraged to prioritize Jesus first, others second, and themselves last. While this concept may sound appealing in theory, it frequently results in deeper issues.

The church contributes to trauma, complicating efforts to untangle its organizational goals from what truly aids long-term recovery. Leaders may inadvertently cause more harm through their practices and beliefs, often preoccupied with traditional approaches rather than exploring innovative methods to support individuals facing trauma and mental health challenges. Their attempts at resolution frequently result in superficial solutions, relying on clichés and platitudes that provide only temporary comfort.

People aren’t allowed to complain.

As both a pastor and a congregant, I sometimes felt stagnant in my spiritual growth within the church. After I left, it became clear that I had ongoing personal challenges and much work ahead of me. Fortunately, I quickly gained insights from multiple sources and learned how to heal with the support of experienced mentors.

From what I’ve seen, religious organizations often stifle such inquiries. We were instructed to honor the pastor’s vision for the church and refrain from criticism or questioning, as it was deemed essential for the organization’s longevity. It’s evident that a pastor isn’t accustomed to evaluation or critique when they respond disproportionately to straightforward questions or when faced with a suggestion for an alternative approach.

As a pastor, I was reluctant to engage with what I perceived as negativity or criticism. I devoted significant time and effort to ensuring the organization’s success, and I preferred not to repeatedly explain myself or think about changes that could require extensive time. I cared deeply for both the people and my churches, but since I was leading the process, my concentration on my vision often led me to overlook the fact that people are complex, have questions, and can offer valuable ideas that could benefit us.

Getting off track is easy, especially when it is going well.

A Way Forward.

Recognizing a problem is one of the initial steps in finding a solution. I don’t think most pastors intend to harm or wish for their congregations to suffer. However, tackling this issue can be challenging because it’s difficult to pinpoint the problem when you’re so involved with the organization. Due to the organization’s systemic nature, it’s essential for the affected person to gain some distance for an improved perspective. This is an ongoing systemic issue that shows no signs of improvement.

I encourage everyone to embrace a trauma-informed perspective. Laura participates in an organization where numerous teachers acquire this essential knowledge. The church must prioritize mental health and deepen our understanding of brain function, the effects of trauma, and the benefits of somatic therapies and practices. While it may have been acceptable not to know these things in the past, in this information age, where knowledge is abundant, we should utilize it effectively rather than dismiss it simply because our ancestors or even the authors of our sacred texts lacked this understanding.

We must stop shaming individuals into thinking that their failure to improve is solely their fault. This idea is linked to harmful beliefs such as original sin and human depravity, making it difficult to escape this cycle. Members of the congregation have been taught to attribute all positive events to God while feeling responsible for any lack of commitment or failure to improve. This creates a vicious cycle of toxic shame, repentance, rededication, and ongoing trauma.

s a former pastor and lifelong learner, I want to reassure you that there are effective ways to improve and lead a productive, healthy, and vibrant life. This can be achieved with or without religion; however, if we experience trauma within that system, taking a break may be necessary for healing. I believe that somatic therapies, which link the mind and body, are among the most effective practices, as they help us integrate our trauma rather than overlook it.

I can confidently say that I have engaged in more therapy and healing, making greater strides than ever before. Taking a break from organized religion proved beneficial for me, and ultimately, I came to understand that I didn’t need it. Despite stepping away from my ministry and ceasing to attend church, I now enjoy significantly more peace and productivity in my life, especially after experiencing a stroke three years ago.

Improvement requires hard work, patience, integrity, persistence, and a strong desire to seek solutions. Fortunately, established and effective therapies are available. We cannot escape the challenges of human nature and the necessity of growing from the circumstances handed to us. Each day, we learn more about effective and ineffective approaches, and we refuse to rely on unrealistic solutions from systems that have historically failed to address these issues.

Be brave and commit yourself to be better!

Keep asking good questions!

Be where you are, Be who you are, Be at peace!

Karl Forehand

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Karl Forehand is a former pastor, podcaster, and award-winning author. His books include Out into the Desert, Leaning Forward, Apparent Faith: What Fatherhood Taught Me About the Father’s Heart, The Tea Shop and Being: A Journey Toward Presence and Authenticity. He is the creator of The Desert Sanctuary podcast and community. He is married to his wife Laura of 35 years and has one dog named Winston. His three children are grown and are beginning to multiply! You can read more about the author here.

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