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Can Parents Protect Their Children From Abusive Relationships…

Can Parents Protect Their Children From Abusive Relationships…

Last updated on: January 10, 2015 at 9:37 pm by Katrina Fernandez

Can Parents Protect Their Children From Abusive Relationships… 2015-01-10T21:37:38-05:00 Katrina Fernandez

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In a previous post I discussed why women choose to stay in violent relationships. In response, this question was posted,

So, how do we protect our children from marrying abusers? Do we just accept that mistakes happen and people are just hoodwinked by sociopaths now and again? Can you think of anything that would have inoculated you against marrying someone who would hurt you?

Excellent question. But the answer isn’t simple.

Unfortunately, there is no guarantee against abusive relationships. I would also caution that thinking we, as parents, can somehow prevent abuse inadvertently places the blame on parents of abuse victims for not properly “educating” or “protecting” their children.

The blame for abuse always falls squarely on the abuser and no one else. Not the victim, not the victim’s parents.

Abusers are good at what they do. They are very charming in public and can be quite charismatic and likable when they need to be. So yes, it can be easy to get swept off your feet by their advances.

Abusers look for easy prey. They look for vulnerability because it’s easy to manipulate.

Related: View my series “Relationship Red Flags” with additional links at the bottom of the post.

Again, even armed with the best advice, there is no foolproof way to avoid the worst scenarios. Being victimized does not indicate a lack of intelligence or common sense. As I stated before, abusers are very skilled at manipulation and they are always to blame for their own actions.

From my own experience and hindsight, I can recommend for young ladies to look for the following…

1) Does he try to isolate you from family and friends? Does he always have excuse to avoid your family and friends? Does he try to sway your opinion negatively towards them? What is his own relationship with his family like? Estranged? Abusive?

2) Do his outside interactions seem genuine? Is he deceptive or appear two-faced?

3) Do his compliments always come before or after a criticizing remark? Does he blame you for his actions or reactions? (example: Why would you do that when you know it makes me angry?)

That last one is a major red flag. When you have arguments (do you have quite a few of them) does he always shift the blame for his actions back on you? Someone who cannot take responsibility for their own behavior can be very dangerous.

4) Lastly, does he have a temper? Is he quick to anger? Have explosive outbursts? Does he wait to get angry at home in private, holding in his rage for hours at a time until the two of you are alone?

When you take all the above – isolation, deception, tearing down of self esteem, and lack of responsibility and mix in a temper, you have the classic ingredients for an abusive personality.

Ugh.

I really hate writing this post because there is no magic bullet to prevent abuse. There’s no amount of knowledge we can drill into our children’s head to protect them. Every parent realizes that there is nothing we can do to 100% protect our kids from harm. Our kids are going to grow up and make bad decisions, just like we did.

We can model healthy relationships, we can play an active role in their dating lives (demanding to meet their boyfriends or forbidding them from seeing them), we can teach our daughters that romance isn’t like in the movies or trashy romance novels. We could do everything perfectly and still… bad things will happen.

All we can do is recognize patterns of behavior and be vigilant in trying to recognize the signs.

I feel like this is so incomplete. Like there should be more. But I’m no expert. I was duped into an abusive relationship because I was vulnerable. I didn’t know it at the time, but looking back I recognize my vulnerability.

I was isolated from my family and feeling lonely. I was at an age when all my friends where marrying and I didn’t even have a boyfriend so I was desperate. I wasn’t at a particularly happy point in my life. My career was taking off at the expense of my personal life. I think all these elements marked me as the perfect target.

All I can do is offer my hindsight in hopes that if you recognize yourself in any of the above scenarios you’ll take a moment to reevaluate your relationship. Or if you’re a parent and recognize your child in there somewhere you’ll be vigilant in looking for those red flags.

Remember though, you can not make a victim of abuse leave an abusive relationship. The final decision to leave must be there own. All you can do is make it known to them that when they do decide to leave you’ll be there to offer them financial or emotional support (whatever they need) and that you’ll never ask why they stayed or say “told ya so.”

Return of the Prodigal Son, Pompeo Batoni – click to enlarge

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