Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

The Crescat

Home
Catholic
The Boston Bomber’s Widow and Abusive Relationships…

The Boston Bomber’s Widow and Abusive Relationships…

Last updated on: January 25, 2017 at 6:53 pm by Katrina Fernandez

The Boston Bomber’s Widow and Abusive Relationships… 2017-01-25T18:53:56-05:00 Katrina Fernandez

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

… Reading about Katherine Russell/Karima Tsarnaev, the widow of Boston bomber Tamerlan Tsarnaev, reminds me specifically of two woman. The first was an old friend who married a seemingly wonderful man too young, had his children, then watched him transform into a controlling and abusive “devout” Muslim.

The second woman was me.

Sarah.

My friend “Sarah”* met her husband in college and fell quickly in love. Sarah was a cradle Catholic and her husband, “Hassan”*, was a Muslim but not practicing. He was Americanized, having been born in the US, and even showed interest in her faith. After they married Hassan started attending RCIA and was in the process of converting to Catholicism. Then she got pregnant and suddenly everything changed.

His parents refused to have their grandchildren be anything but Muslim and other family members stepped in and begin intimidating her with threatening phone calls and emails. But as long as she stayed in Virginia* near her family Hassan could never have a complete hold on her. That’s when Sarah disappeared.

A few weeks before she moved away she confided to me that she was expecting twins and the prospect scared her. I believe her husband latched on to this fear to emotional manipulate Sarah and get her to agree to move away. She was moving to New Jersey*, she told me, to get away from meddling family, his and her own. Her parents wanted her to leave Hassan because they were concerned about his dramatic changes in behavior since her pregnancy- he no longer wanted to convert to Catholicism and quit RCIA, started practicing his religion and demanding Sarah convert to Islam. She wasn’t allowed to hang out with us any more or go to mass. She started wearing a head scarf and stopped returning our calls.

And like that Sarah was gone.

Four years would pass before I heard from her again. She and her daughters moved back in with her parents and Sarah returned to the Church. When she called me she sounded happier and freer, but very very tired. She proceeded to tell me a very familiar tale; one of isolation and abuse.

Hassan couldn’t keep a job because of his militant views and prosthelytizing at work. He was violent and quick tempered and didn’t allow Sarah to leave the house without him, quoting from the Koran to justify his abuse. It wasn’t until they had been evicted from their apartment that Hassan allowed Sarah to work outside the home because they desperately needed the income. Her new job just caused more problems as he grew jealous and suspicious of the non-Muslim friends she made at work. He was humiliated that he had to ask her for money and to make himself feel better started beating her and sleeping with other women.

The final straw was when she threatened to leave. Enraged, Hassan said if she tried to divorce him he’d kill her and their children before he’d allowed that to happen. She knew then the man she loved and married was gone, if he ever truly existed. There was nothing to salvage from their marriage and for her children’s safety left him when he started working again. He came home from work one evening and she was simply gone.

Thankfully, his threat proved empty. He simply moved his new girlfriend into their old home and his focus was turned elsewhere. He never hunted her down or attempted to make good on his promise of harm other than a few angry calls to her family’s home. Once the number was changed that was the end of Hassan. They lived on edge for a brief while but it soon became clear Hassan could have cared less that she was gone. He was only interested in Sarah and the children as long as he could control them.

It was always about control. Not about religious differences or meddling family. It was all just about control. Sarah could have been telling my story, just change the names of the characters and rewrite a few minor details and *bam* … they narrated story of Kat. That’s why we remain close to this day.

Me.

I was already isolated from my family when my now ex-husband first met me through a group of mutual friends. It made the job of deception that much easier for him accomplish. He never had to face parental scrutiny and probing questions by a grim scowling father and suspicious mother. There were no dinners with the folks. He was outgoing enough to charm all my friends but once we got married that charm vanished – almost immediately.

We no longer entertained friends at the house and girl’s night out was halted. Then we moved three states away and no one ever saw me again, also for several years. My phone calls were monitored and he intentionally did not have long distance added to our land line phone plan. If I wanted to talk to my family and friends I had to wait for them to call me. When they did I wasn’t allowed to take the call in another room. He sat right at my side listening to every word said.

Oh he was so clever about it too, disguising it as concern for my emotional well being because he knew how much my family and friends hated him and wanted to turn me against him. They were jealous and wanted to break up our marriage, he said. He needed to “protect” me from their deceitful influence, he purred.

I actually believed him. Just like Sarah believed her husband had her best interests in mind when he made her move away. I’m sure Katherine Tsarnaev felt the same way about her Boston bombing husband.

In two short years the man I married was completely gone. In his place was a jealous, controlling, emotionally manipulative monster who threatened and intimidated me. He wore me down to a raw little nub of a woman who actually believed she was worthless and deserving of the abuse. Then one day he came home from work and I was gone.

I’m not sure what my point is. I know I had a point to make in here somewhere. Maybe the red flag was my point. The blaring, beeping, alarms going off red flag that should set any woman on high alert whenever a man tries to isolate her friends and family. Ladies, men do this because they know they can fool you, in the gooey haze of loooooove, but they cannot fool both your entire circle of friends and your family. Don’t be let them talk you into being “whisked away”. It’s a trap.

Gosh, that’s sounds silly to write. It sounds so common sense. But the heart plays tricks on our common sense… that damn deceptive internal organ. Stupid, stupid heart.

[Jeremiah 17:9] The heart is devious above all else; it is perverse — who can understand it?

I remember refusing to talk about the situation of my divorce for years. Years. I still don’t like to go into the depth the level of abuse I endured. Mostly because it makes me look like a desperate fool and pathetic judge of character. My friend feels the same way. We’ll talk about it to ourselves and she supposes one day she’ll to explain it to her daughters so they don’t make the same mistakes… but yeah. It’s not something you share freely or brag about. “So I was this stupid young girl and feel in love with a con man” is never polite conversation.

Maybe the point of this post was just an exercise in catharsis. I’m not entirely sure. I just know that reading about Katherine Russell certainly stirred up a lot of past emotions that needed to get out. I feel sorry for her and what she is going through. Everyone knows she married a bad guy and everyone is secretly wondering what was wrong with her to marry him in the first place. And I can relate to that. Every woman in a shitty abusive marriage wonders that about themselves… what is wrong with me? That’s why women stay or it takes them awhile to pluck up the courage to leave. Because they are scared and it takes a great deal of courage to admit to yourself and everyone else in your life that you made a huge, ginormous foolish mistake. The finger gets pointed squarely at the abused wife.

When a woman is abused I suppose we can all share in the blame, maybe a little. I could have tried harder to get Sarah to stay, warned louder, even at the risk of our friendship. We think, oh that person is a grown up capable of making her own decision, she must be with him because she wants to be, is stupid, or is addicted to the drama. Again, the victim is blamed. Sometimes it is easier to stay and hope things will get better than leave the situation and face all the finger wagging and told-ya-so-s.

So, yeah. Maybe this post has a dual nature … mullet post. Red flag warnings in the front, mercy in the back. Whatever. I just feel better for having written it.

Resources.

Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

Domestic Violence and Abuse- The Signs

Sts. Rita & Monica, pray for us.

*names and locations changed for anonymity.

Previous Post

April 22, 2013

I don't do earth day...

Next Post

April 24, 2013 No Mercy For You, Says Mosque to Boston Bomber's Family...

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category 30 Days of Dressing Like a Girl Adult Libations Advent Aiming To Misbehave Altar Boys Answered Prayers Art Art Behaving Badly Art Renewal Ask The Crescat AWAKE Baby Jesus Weeps Bad Ass Saints Bad Assery Bat Shit Crazy Beauty Being Single Blessed Virgin Mary Blogging Book Reviews Books Glorious Books Booze Boy Scouting Burnt Offerings BXVI Can You Hear My Eyes Rolling Canonizing Saints Caption Contests Catholic Bling & Finery Catholic Fangirl Catholic In The News Catholic Kitsch Catholic Social Teaching Catholics Behaving Badly Celebrity Catholics Charlotte Christmas Church MILITANT Church Posturing Church Teaching Church Universal Churches and Church Architecture Cinema Class Wars Classical Music Come Home Crafty Crescat Craptastic Craptastic Nativity Scenes Crescat Endorsements Damn Hippies Dear Crabby Death of the West Deep Thought With The Crescat Defenders of Faith Devotions Diocese of Charlotte Doctor Who DUH Easter Easter Liturgies Behaving Badly Eastern Catholicism Election 2012 End Rant Entertainment Exposing Obama Fan Girling Farmer Kat Fashion Feminism is Misogynistic Fine Art Friday Friday Features Friday Fishing Friday Fun Geekery Gender and Equality Girly Blather Give Aways Glaring Irony Gospel According to Crescat Hifreakinlarious Highly Suspect Hiss.Spit.Growl Holiday Gift Giving Guide Holy Days and Holidays How To Fail At Catholic Piety Humor Hump Day Humor I Actually Know What I Am Talking About Here I Blame The Parents I Call Bull Shit I Can't Hear You Over Your Own Hubris I Hear The Tiber Is Nice To Swim This Time of Year I Love You Nathan Fillion and You Will Be Mine One Day By God You Will I thought I saw Some Morals Around Here Somewhere Icons and Iconography In the News Is Outrage! It's Like I'm Martha Stewart if Martha Stewart Were Constantly Drunk and Incompetent Just Asking Just Because Kat's Been Drinking Again Learning Spanish Lent LENT2012 Liberal Lunacy Literature Literature Behaving Badly Liturgical Terrorists Liturgical Year Local Events Mad World Man-lace and Manliness Manufactured Outrage machine March For Life 2012 Martyrs Mass Appeal Mass Chat Mass Hysteria Mass Lunacy Maybe a Little Crazy Media Bias Memes Miracles and Wonders Molto Bello Monday Monk Gazing More Than Mortal Beauty Motivational Monday Movies Much Humble Music MUST HAVE ALL THE CHICKENS My Religion is Cooler Than Yours Natural Beauty Near Occasion of Sin News That Never Was Notable Birthdays Novenas Nun Gazing On The Rare Occasion I Actually Shut Up I Can Sometimes Hear God Orthodox Orthodoxy Outfreakingstanding Parenting Patheos Writers Perfectly Acceptable Wastes of Time Perils of Parenthood Persecution Personal Pinished That Shit Play Ball Politics Polls Pop Culture Pope Francis Potpourri of Popery Prayers and Devotions President Behaving Badly Propaganda Protecting Children PSA Punk Quoted Racial Issues Random Recipes Red Flags Redemption Relics Religion of Peace Reviews Roma Rosaries Russian Art Sacraments Saints Sanctity of Life Science and Religion Seems Legit Self Appointed Pontiffs Sexuality She is Too Fond of Books and it Has Turned Her Brain SHINY! Single Life Single Parenthood Small Victories Soap Box Spain Strangely Unrelated to Anything Stuff Stupid Things Stupid Things I Do On Any Given Day Swiss Guard Technical Stuff That's catholic with a little "c" The Boy The Catholic Five Talk Show The Narrative THE RACK! The Real The Sexes The Stuff Priests Are Made Of There I Fixed It Thirsty Thursday Time of Persecution Tipsy Tuesday Traditions True Story Tuesday Tunes TV Is Where My Brain Goes To Die Ugly Churches Uncategorized Vapid Cliched Inanity Disguised As Original And Intelligent Thought Vaticanista Videos Viral Virtues Vocation Wanderlust Warm and Fuzzy Welcome Home What Does The Church Really Teach Why I Am Still Single Works of Mercy Wussification of Boys WYD You Can't Spell "DIET" Without "DIE" You're Very Existence is God Granting Me An Exercise In Patience Youtube

Select a Month December 2015 November 2015 October 2015 September 2015 August 2015 July 2015 June 2015 May 2015 April 2015 March 2015 February 2015 January 2015 December 2014 November 2014 October 2014 September 2014 August 2014 July 2014 June 2014 May 2014 April 2014 March 2014 February 2014 January 2014 December 2013 November 2013 October 2013 September 2013 August 2013 July 2013 June 2013 May 2013 April 2013 March 2013 February 2013 January 2013 December 2012 November 2012 October 2012 September 2012 August 2012 July 2012 June 2012 May 2012 April 2012 March 2012 February 2012 January 2012 December 2011 November 2011 October 2011 September 2011 August 2011 July 2011 June 2011 May 2011 April 2011 March 2011 February 2011 January 2011 December 2010 November 2010 October 2010 September 2010 August 2010 July 2010 June 2010 May 2010 April 2010 March 2010 February 2010 January 2010 December 2009 November 2009 October 2009 September 2009 August 2009 July 2009 June 2009 May 2009 April 2009 March 2009 February 2009 January 2009 December 2008 November 2008 October 2008 September 2008 August 2008 July 2008 June 2008 April 2008 March 2008 January 2008 November 2007 October 2007 September 2007 August 2007 October 2006 June 2006

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Great is your faithfulness! Your mercies are new every what?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Hour Day Season Morning