if you value your life please heed my advice…

Last updated on: January 26, 2017 at 5:30 pm by Katrina Fernandez

if you value your life please heed my advice… 2017-01-26T17:30:11-05:00 Katrina Fernandez

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… Far be it from me to give romance advice, being the old spinster that I am, but I was married once and have a blog so that makes me the expert.

Dear Kindly Male Readers,

Married men, practical gifts on special occasions do not bode well. Toilet plungers, ironing boards, and vacuum cleaners were never meant as Valentine’s Day presents. My ex-husband bought me all three items one year; one for Valentine’s Day and the others for my birthday and Christmas. To his defense I still have the vacuum cleaner & the ironing board. The toilet plunger was used as a projectile in a fit of rage.

Please, do not invoke the wrath of your tender, loving, devoted, and hard working spouse by purchasing such items. Even worse, do not ignore St. Valentine’s Day completely in some grand protest of secularized holy days or use the justification, “But I show her love 365 days a year, not just the one”, even if you really truly do. I know. I know. The Hallmark version Valentine’s Day is contrived and trite but it still matters to us women, even if we swear up and down all day long that it doesn’t.

A simple hand made card and tissue paper flower will melt her heart. A toilet plunger will have you sleeping alone for a very very long time. Trust me on this one, guys, skip the leopard print Hoodie Footie and make the card and the flower if you value peace and tranquility in your home.

Single men, I feel for you. I truly do. You have my sincerest sympathies as you prepare to venture into this volatile greeting card holiday. I know first hand how delicate is a lady’s temperament. Jane Austen famously quoted, ” A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” So please allow me to share my absolute cardinal rule for this holiday.

Do not, do not, do not buy your beloved anything in a tiny box unless that tiny box is a ring box and it contains a ring. The awkwardness that follows a women yelling “Yes!” at the mere sight of that tiny box only to find a pair of earrings or a pendant inside is enough to make the most grizzled war vet cringe. In fact, you know what… avoid jewelry all together for Valentine’s Day. It’s too cliched and dips it’s toes into dangerous waters. Just don’t go there. Stick with something handmade or a simple sweet gesture – like making dinner at home and dining by candle light.

There’s no need to spend a lot of money on Valentine’s Day. It’s not like it’s a real holiday. But it’s real enough to women that we do enjoy a little effort and sweetness. Buying ridiculously expensive gifts for such a silly holiday can actually backfire, especially if you aren’t married. It could be perceived as desperation. And really, if you are the type of man that reads Catholic blogs like mine and your girlfriend expects high priced and designer baubles than she is not right for you. Run.

You’ll thank me later.

Love,
The Crescat

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