Guest Post: Dear My Magical Body

Last updated on: August 27, 2012 at 2:08 pm by Jeffrey L. Falick

Guest Post: Dear My Magical Body 2012-08-27T14:08:00-05:00 Jeffrey L. Falick

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It’s just over a week since Todd Akin presented his surprising scientific findings about rape and pregnancy. This was the response of one young woman I know…. It’s not what I typically publish. It’s better.

——

My Magic Body: A Love Letter

Isn’t it grand being a woman? Sure, we still get paid less than men (seriously, just Google that shit) we’re under constant pressure to Have It All from the media and society, and 25% of women would rather lose their ability to read than lose their figures but COME ON. Those are small prices to pay when you have WOMANHOOD on your side.

Ah, being a woman….

Dear My Magic Body,

You are so wonderful, Magic Body. Besides, for all of the stuff you already do, like somehow making it possible for me to read and think even with my tiny woman brain and PMS and hormones and stuff, now I find out you’re literally magic, as well!

Rep. Todd Akin, member of the U.S. House of Representatives from Missouri’s 2nd district, just gave me a totally awesome science lesson about this new magic my body can do! Rep. Todd Akin said,

“It seems to be, first of all, from what I understand from doctors, it’s really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down.”

Is that not just the most mind-blowingly cool thing you have ever heard?? Ladies! Our bodies can literally SHUT THE WHOLE PREGNANCY FROM RAPE THING DOWN!! I gotta say, I always knew my body was freakin’ awesome but now?! This is gonna be awesome for birth control! (Because we all know how hard that’s become to get all of a sudden…who’s responsible for that, by the way?? We should do something about that. If the government lets us, of course.) Now, instead of using a condom or having to get my hands on those pesky birth control pills, my boyfriend can just pretend to rape me and my body will SHUT THE WHOLE THING DOWN! Finally, a solution!

But wait…would that work? Is this, like, a psychological thing, too? I’m not sure my brain and my body will compute properly! How can I guarantee that my itsy-bitsy only-sometimes working girl brain will tell my magic organs to shut the whole thing down?? Is that how itworks?! Dr. Akin, I need help! I’m PMSing and crying and hormones and shoes MY BRAIN HURTS!

Gasp! Wait! That leads me to another question!! (I am on fire today. Touche, brain.) Okay, okay, okay. Mr. Dr. Akin says that this magic can only happen in cases of legitimate rape (guess that rules out my boyfriend rape thing, come to think of it) but what really qualifies as legitimate rape? I wish there was some kind of clear-cut guide telling me what kinds of rape fall into what categories and sub-categories!

For example, let’s say a magical girl body is at a party (because at a party, let’s be honest, who’s looking for my brain??) and she gets drunk (natch) and then is going to sleep with a guy but CHANGES HER MIND and says no. Naturally, he’ll go ahead and have sex with her because, hello, she OWES HIM THAT SEX and since he’s a guy he has no way of possibly controlling himself. What then? That woman owed him that sex and she led him on so…is that legitimate rape? Is that date rape? Party rape? Glitter bomb rape? Party rocker in the house tonight everybody just have a good time tonight rape?

Also, what happens if, for instance, some girl is 15 and she agrees to have sex with a 20 year old. Statutory rape! (That’s still a thing, right?) Okay, now this term is tricky. I know it has the word rape in it but it’s only there because that girl was underage. She totally agreed to have sex with that guy! How is that his fault or even called rape?? Well, let’s go back a step here. That term refers to sex with a person who is under the legal age of consent – even if she or he agrees to have sex with your over 18 old self, it’s still illegal. Rape? Not rape? Can her body SHUT THAT WHOLE OPERATION DOWN??

Well, Magical Body, I still love you and you’re a great person and all but…I’m confused. Hopefully my good friend Akin, along with all his friends, can try and explain this to me.

For now, my girl brains hurt.

KARDASHIAN TIME!!!

Rainbows, sunshine, kisses, glitter, and loving tears,

–Me

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