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{"id":5973,"date":"2024-07-07T19:00:14","date_gmt":"2024-07-07T23:00:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/terrygaspard\/?p=5973"},"modified":"2024-07-12T07:06:46","modified_gmt":"2024-07-12T11:06:46","slug":"7-steps-for-couples-to-repair-after-an-argument","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/terrygaspard\/2024\/07\/7-steps-for-couples-to-repair-after-an-argument\/","title":{"rendered":"7 Steps for Couples to Repair After An Argument"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

I\u2019ve often stated that one of the most important elements of a successful marriage is being able to repair your relationship after an argument. By the way, this doesn\u2019t mean that all of your disputes will be solved. It simply means that you can find ways to restore intimacy, forgive each other, and move forward without bitterness or a grudge.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Dr. Gottman<\/u> advises us that couples can live with unsolvable differences about ongoing issues in their relationship as long as they aren\u2019t deal breakers. His research<\/u> informs us that 69% of problems in a marriage don\u2019t get resolved but can be managed successfully.<\/p>\n

Author\u00a0Marcia Naomi Berger<\/a>, explains that many couples buy into the myth that if a marriage is healthy all issues get resolved. She writes: \u201cSimply put, it is not the presence of conflict that stresses the relationship; it is the manner in which the couple responds. Positive, respectful communication about differences helps keep a marriage thriving.<\/p>\n

Once you have gotten better at recovering after a dispute, it becomes easier to restore loving feelings with your partner. If you find yourself struggling, tell him or her what is on your mind. For instance, say something like \u201cI feel flooded right now. Can you hold me or tell me you love me? I feel like attacking you but I don\u2019t want to do that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Most of the time, you\u2019ll restore intimacy during times of conflict or stress by being honest and vulnerable with your partner. Adopting these skills takes time and patience but will help you recapture the love, trust, and intimacy you once experienced.<\/p>\n

7 Steps to getting good at repair skills:<\/strong><\/p>\n

\nDo not blame, criticize, or show contempt for your partner<\/strong>. Talking about specific issues will reap better results than attacking him or her. For instance, a complaint is: \u201cI\u2019m upset because you didn\u2019t tell me about spending money on new clothes. We agreed to be open with each other and money is tight right now.\u201d Versus a criticism: \u201cYou never tell me the truth. How can I trust you?\u201d\u00a0Avoid defensiveness<\/a>and showing contempt for your partner (rolling your eyes, ridicule, name-calling, sarcasm, etc.).<\/li>\nStart a conversation with a soft and curious tone<\/strong>such as, \u201cCould I ask you something?\u201d will lessen your partner\u2019s defensiveness. Dr. John\u00a0Gottman<\/a>\u00a0reminds us that criticism is extremely damaging to a marriage and that talking about specific issues with a soft approach will reap better results.<\/li>\nAvoid character assassinations.<\/strong>Don\u2019t attack your partner\u2019s character, values, or core beliefs. Remember that anger is usually a symptom of underlying hurt, fear, and frustration so stop and reflect on your own emotions. Listen to our partner\u2019s side of the story instead of focusing on your counterargument. Validate their perspective first \u2013 then share your viewpoint. When you feel like attacking your partner, ask yourself: what am I trying to accomplish?<\/li>\nDon\u2019t make threats or issue ultimatums.<\/strong>Avoid saying things you will regret later. Being vulnerable with your partner can make you feel exposed but it is an important ingredient in a trusting, intimate relationship. You may have created a psychological armor since childhood due to being hurt or judged but this might not serve you well as an adult. Be assertive yet open in your attempts to negotiate for what you want from your partner. Both individuals in a relationship deserve to get some (not all) of their needs met.<\/li>\nApproach conflict with a problem-solving attitude.<\/strong>Avoid trying to\u00a0prove a point<\/a>\u00a0and examine your part in a disagreement. Listen to your partner\u2019s requests and ask for clarification on issues than are unclear. Discuss expectations to avoid misunderstandings. Engage in a conversation with your partner that is productive rather than shutting down or criticizing him or her.<\/li>\nTake a short break if you feel overwhelmed or flooded.<\/strong>This will give you both time to calm down and collect your thoughts so you can have a more meaningful dialogue with your partner. Author David Akiva, encourages couples to develop a Hurt-Free Zone Policy which is a period when criticism is not allowed between partners. Without it, couples usually feel less defensive and as a result, feelings of hurt and rejection dissolve within 3 to 4 weeks.<\/li>\nPractice having a recovery conversation after an argument<\/strong>. Daniel B. Wile,<\/a>\u00a0 Ph.D. believes that your focus needs to be on listening to your partner\u2019s perspective, collaborating, building intimacy, and restoring safety and good will if you want to develop good repair skills. A recovery conversation can reveal information about your relationship, lead to a resolution of the fight, and restore intimacy. It\u2019s best to wait until both partners have calmed down before starting it and to be careful not to rekindle the fight. If you stay focused on the present this will prevent rehashing an argument.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n**
** **A recovery conversation can reveal information about your relationship, lead to a resolution of the fight, and restore intimacy.\u00a0 It\u2019s best to wait until both partners have calmed down before starting it and to be careful not to rekindle the fight. Always be respectful of each other (following the guidelines in points 1 to 7 of the list above) and stay focused on the present. Always remember to give your partner the benefit of the doubt!<\/p>\n

Follow Terry on\u00a0Twitter<\/strong><\/a>,\u00a0<\/strong>Facebook<\/strong><\/a>,\u00a0<\/strong>and,\u00a0movingpastdivorce.com<\/strong><\/a>. Terry\u2019s award winning book\u00a0Daughters of Divorce<\/strong><\/a>: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents\u2019 Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.<\/p>\n

Terry\u2019s book, The Remarriage Manual:<\/strong><\/em><\/a>\u00a0How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around,<\/em> was published by Sounds True in February of 2020.<\/p>\n

I\u2019d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question\u00a0<\/strong>here<\/strong><\/a>. Thanks! Terry\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve often stated that one of the most important elements of a successful marriage is being able to repair your relationship after an argument. By the way, this doesn\u2019t mean that all of your disputes will be solved. It simply means that you can find ways to restore intimacy, forgive each other, and move forward […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3446,"featured_media":191,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"fbia_status":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[177,90],"class_list":["post-5973","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-arguments","tag-relationship-problems"],"yoast_head":"\n7 Steps for Couples to Repair After An Argument<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"I\u2019ve often stated that one of the most important elements of a successful marriage is being able to repair your relationship after an argument. 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