{"id":5964,"date":"2024-06-30T19:41:15","date_gmt":"2024-06-30T23:41:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/terrygaspard\/?p=5964"},"modified":"2024-06-30T19:41:15","modified_gmt":"2024-06-30T23:41:15","slug":"how-do-i-save-my-marriage-3","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/terrygaspard\/2024\/06\/how-do-i-save-my-marriage-3\/","title":{"rendered":"How Do I Save My Marriage?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

Dear Terry,<\/p>\n

""<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been married to John for ten years and I\u2019m worried because we\u2019ve lost the passion and loving feelings we used to have. There\u2019s something missing from our marriage and I don\u2019t know how to get it back. Here\u2019s the problem \u2013 we\u2019re more like roommates than lovers. We\u2019re hardly ever alone and when we are, we mostly talk about our kids, Jessica and Thomas, who are three and six, and we rarely discuss our relationship or have fun together.<\/p>\n

Please help me before it\u2019s too late. John says I\u2019m too worried and that all couples go through dry spells in their marriage. We have sex about once a month and he says he still loves me but I\u2019m not convinced. I seem to be the one who wants to work on improving our relationship, but lately the more I approach him, the more he withdraws. Sadly, when we talk about our problems, they seem to get worse. John says that I nag him and then gives me the silent treatment as he\u2019s watching sports or the news. I\u2019m desperate to save our marriage and don\u2019t want our kids to suffer but don\u2019t know what to do.<\/p>\n

My Best,<\/p>\n

Aimee<\/p>\n

Dear Aimee,<\/p>\n

Rest assured \u2013 it\u2019s common for couples who have been married for a decade and have busy lives and to drift apart emotionally and sexually. Like many couples, you and John seem to have lost the spark you once had but you can rediscover your emotional and sexual intimacy and get back on track.<\/p>\n

During the early phase of marriage, many couples barely come up for air due to the excitement of falling in love. Oxytocin (a bonding hormone) is released during the initial stage of infatuation \u2013 which causes couples to feel euphoric and turned on by physical affection \u2013 such as touching and holding hands.<\/p>\n

Unfortunately, this blissful state doesn\u2019t last forever.<\/p>\n

Couples who are dating or newly married, seem to intuitively adopt \u201crituals of connection\u201d to stay bonded. A ritual is different than a routine because it is intentional, repeated, and brings meaning to both partners. Going for a hike is a routine but doing for a daily walk with your partner is a ritual. For instance, my husband and I have a ritual of cooking together and eating dinner most nights which allows us to catch up. This is hard to do with kids under foot but you might consider adopting a ritual of a 15-minute stress reducing chat at night or a 10-minute cuddle and chat time in the morning before you launch towards your busy days.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s normal to feel a sense of disappointment when a pursuer-distancer pattern develops. Your struggle with John is a common one for hard-working couples balancing jobs, parenting, and intimacy. Following the tips below should help you get back on track but seeing a marriage counselor can be a boost to couples with this demand-withdraw pattern and help you both feel supported.<\/p>\n

6 tips to help you boost emotional and sexual intimacy:\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n