{"id":5928,"date":"2024-06-02T21:39:19","date_gmt":"2024-06-03T01:39:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/terrygaspard\/?p=5928"},"modified":"2024-06-02T21:43:11","modified_gmt":"2024-06-03T01:43:11","slug":"are-arguments-inevitable-in-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/terrygaspard\/2024\/06\/are-arguments-inevitable-in-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"Are Arguments Inevitable in Relationships?"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<\/head>

During their first counseling session, Rebecca, 37, and Kevin, 36, discuss how they tend to dig their heels in during arguments, and how bickering can quickly escalate into a dispute.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

We\u2019ve all been there: the day-to-day routine with our partner falls into a pattern of conflict, and fighting seems inevitable. When the central relationship in our lives feels fraught and a fight looms around every corner, our emotional health and our other, non-romantic relationships suffer.<\/p>\n

In a recent article for his website, Kyle Benson<\/a> draws on relationship experts and authors like Dr. John Gottman and Dan Wile, formulating a sensible approach to conflict resolution that\u2019s both pragmatic and possible<\/i>. Indeed, one of the most challenging aspects of the dynamic that exists between partners is the negative, cyclical patterns that reenforce themselves, creating a feeling that avoiding a fight is impossible.<\/p>\n

Benson writes about Dr. Gottman\u2019s observation that \u201cnearly 1\/3 of all conflicts can be resolved with the right approach,\u201d unpacking the realities that many couples face in the process of improving their communication skills in the hopes of diffusing conflict. While many marriage therapists recommend that you \u201cput yourself in your partner\u2019s shoes,\u201d Dr. Gottman has learned that it\u2019s often difficult to tap into empathy during the escalation of a fight.<\/p>\n

Instead, he counsels couples to \u201csoften their start-up.\u201d Or as Benson puts it, \u201chow a conversation starts influences how it will end.\u201d The takeaway here is that your approach to conflict at the outset can limit the magnitude of a fight and minimize its impact.<\/p>\n

Being aware of your feelings and how anger or frustration is manifested in your word and tone of voice is crucial to nipping a big fight in the bud. According to Dr. John Gottman\u2019s research reinforces the idea that 94% of the time, the conversation that starts harshly, ends harshly.<\/p>\n

What does a \u201csoften start up mean?\u201d When Rebecca is upset with Kevin because he leaves his clothes all over their bedroom she might say the following to Kevin. \u201cI feel frustrated because your clothes are often on our bed when I\u2019m trying to relax and get ready for bed. I would appreciate it if you could find another place to put them.\u201d<\/p>\n

Notice that this approach is not blaming Kevin or using a \u201cYou\u201d statement such as \u201cYou\u2019re such a slob, you never pick up your clothes.\u201d With this approach, it\u2019s likely that Kevin would become defensive and attach Rebecca back by saying something like, \u201cYou leave your coffee mug on the kitchen table all the time.\u201d This negative pattern is coined \u201cThe attack-defense mode\u201d by Dr. Daniel Wile and it can lead to many regrettable arguments.<\/p>\n

Benson goes on to outline four additional strategies to help avoid fighting in your relationship. Each of the steps builds on the initial approach of \u201csoftening the start-up\u201d and is aimed at de-escalating what often feels like the inevitable.<\/p>\n

Dr. Gottman\u2019s book The Seven Principles That Make Marriage Work<\/i> serves as a guide for Benson\u2019s own advice, and he adds to helpful insight that Dr. Gottman\u2019s strategies \u201cmay feel unnatural at first but provide you the vocabulary to naturally repair conflict before it harms your marriage.\u201d<\/p>\n

In the end, the goal is a healthy and harmonious relationship in which we can communication with openness and honesty. In the process, we can overcome the seemingly insurmountable obstacle of conflict feeling inevitable, fostering compassion with a conscious approach to conflicts as they develop.<\/p>\n

Find Terry on Twitter<\/a>,\u00a0<\/strong>Facebook<\/a>, <\/strong>and, movingpastdivorce.com<\/a>. Terry\u2019s award-winning book\u00a0Daughters of Divorce<\/a>: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents\u2019 Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Her new book The Remarriage Manual<\/em><\/a>: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True on February 18, 2020.<\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question\u00a0<\/strong>here<\/strong><\/a>. Thanks! Terry\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/body><\/html>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

During their first counseling session, Rebecca, 37, and Kevin, 36, discuss how they tend to dig their heels in during arguments, and how bickering can quickly escalate into a dispute. We\u2019ve all been there: the day-to-day routine with our partner falls into a pattern of conflict, and fighting seems inevitable. When the central relationship in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3446,"featured_media":3703,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"fbia_status":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[45,17,90],"class_list":["post-5928","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-conflict","tag-marriage","tag-relationship-problems"],"yoast_head":"\nAre Arguments Inevitable in Relationships?<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"During their first counseling session, Rebecca, 37, and Kevin, 36, discuss how they tend to dig their heels in during arguments, and how bickering can\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.patheos.com\/blogs\/terrygaspard\/2024\/06\/are-arguments-inevitable-in-relationships\/\" \/>\n<meta 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