Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Family, Parenting and Religion
Breaking the Patterns That Keep You in a Rut

Breaking the Patterns That Keep You in a Rut

Last updated on: May 12, 2024 at 10:14 am by Terry Gaspard

0 Comments

Breaking the Patterns That Keep You in a Rut 2024-05-12T10:14:52-04:00 Terry Gaspard

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

When Lauren, 50, described her self-destructive behaviors during a counseling session, it seemed clear that she was in a rut and not working on her goal to stop smoking and become healthier. She seemed defensive whenever I brought up the topic and yet complained about coughing and feeling worried about her lungs and the possibility of developing lung cancer one day.

In an April article for The Gottman Institute’s blog, Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart offers readers advice on how to disrupt the negative patterns so many of easily fall into. Approaching the subject from a psychological perspective, she analyzes the ways in which we learn — that is to say the ways in which we are conditioned to fall into transgressive cyclical behaviors that reinforce themselves over time.

Dr. Lockhart essential belief is that negative learned behaviors are just as easy to develop as a positive one. Indeed, she describes repetitive, learned behaviors as the product as a sort of practice that can be channeled to positive ends. Engaging in repetitive thought processes, for example, can follow one of two tracks: “positive affirmation or negative self-statements,” according to Dr. Lockhart.

The natural conclusion that she draws on the ways that we can effectively condition ourselves to reinforce and then repeat positive, productive behaviors is quite liberating. We have control over ourselves, and our thoughts, actions and characteristic behavioral traits can be improved and made positive through practice.

Dr. Lockhart then outlines five practical steps to enable “breaking the cycle.” She writes that “Whatever the reason, these all play a role in the repetition of cycles. Here are some ways to work through them so the cycles you are engaged in actually benefit and help you, rather than hurt you.” Her five steps requires diligence and patience, but will soon become second nature.

First, she counsels readers to “make a record of patterns of behaviors**.** You can do this through video recording, journaling, or sharing your journey with others (i.e, podcasts, blogging, social media).” This initial step will open the door to those that follow.

Next, Dr. Lockhart asks that people identify their “triggers,” or as she puts it, the “things that really grind your gears and things that you have an exaggerated emotional or mental reaction to beyond what should be expected.” Identifying triggers will unlock the next of Dr. Lockhart’s five steps: understanding your response to your triggers. In Lauren’s case, her triggers for smoking seemed to be stressed related to her two high school aged children and balancing her work and family life without much support from her partner, Kevin, who worked long hours.

Step four is “developing a hypothesis.” In other words, reflect on your patterns of behavior and thought, including your history of these patterns, as a way to better evaluate that root causes of any negative cycles that have formed. And finally, Dr. Lockhart suggests that unpacking these issues will help lead to a better understanding of whether and how these learned behaviors serve you — or work against your personal growth, emotional health, and ultimately your happiness.

After reviewing the steps in this article with Lauren, she renewed her commitment to stop smoking so that she can live a long, healthier life. She sat down with Kevin and they worked out a schedule where he would be responsible for transporting their children to practices for sports and games two days a week. He also agreed to take over the grocery shopping.

In the long run, working on getting out of a rut requires reflection, insight, and often being more assertive with loved ones. Oftentimes, women have difficulty asking for what they need from partners. During our last counseling session, it was obvious to me that Lauren had made great strides in her goal to reduce stress, stop smoking, and to practice improved self-care. She had visited her primary care physician and discussed smoking cessation. And Lauren was working out a a local gym on the days that Kevin was responsible for their children after school. She was taking pride in her new fitness goals and her ability to assert her needs to Kevin and to carve out time for self-care.

Find Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award-winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship. Her new book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True in 2020.

Previous Post

May 5, 2024

How Can Couples Deal with Financial Stress?

Next Post

May 19, 2024 6 Smart Ways to Repair Broken Trust

Recent Comments

0 | Leave a Comment

"The cheering after each cut of twine highlights how ritual isn’t just personal it’s MyCCPay ..."

nehal062karkera

3 Steps to Being an Active ..."

"https://uploads.disquscdn.c..."

Melanie Bush

Full Disclosure About Finances Reduces Marital ..."

"https://uploads.disquscdn.c..."

Melanie Bush

8 Signs My Partner is Marriage ..."

"A successful remarriage (I'm 35 years into one) cannot be reduced to "8 steps" or ..."

Vance Morgan

8 Keys to Success in a ..."

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Uncategorized

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

True or False: Paul's first missionary journey was with Silas.

Select your answer to see how you score.

TRUE FALSE