Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Family, Parenting and Religion
How Your Attachment Style Influences Your Adult Relationships

How Your Attachment Style Influences Your Adult Relationships

Last updated on: November 19, 2023 at 1:24 pm by Terry Gaspard

0 Comments

How Your Attachment Style Influences Your Adult Relationships 2023-11-19T13:24:09-05:00 Terry Gaspard

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

When Sondra, age 40, arrived for her counseling appointment, she wanted to focus on her difficulty in selecting partners who are a good match for her. She also acknowledged that her former therapist (in college), told her that she had insecure attachment because both of her parents were alcoholics who ignored her emotional needs. I validated her experience and began researching this topic.

In a recent article for The Gottman’s Institute’s website, Dr. Marni Feuerman dissects attachment theory and the way it impacts people’s ability to find successful, fulfilling relationships. A well established aspect of relational psychology, attachment theory “describes how our early relationships with a primary caregiver, most commonly a parent, creates our expectation for how love should be.”

Shutterstock.com

Ultimately, the theory is a tool to help us uncover how events and emotional dynamics early in life resurface years later in adult relationships. Achieving an understanding that “our view of ourself and others is molded by how well these caregivers were available and responsive to meet our physical and emotional needs” is critical in gaining awareness around the types of triggers that lead to conflict in romantic relationships later in life.

Dr. Feuerman outlines what she calls “The Attachment Alarm” — in other words, she asks readers to consider the quality of care you received early in life with questions around whether your were loved, whether you were neglected, whether there were trusted caregivers in your life, and whether your care was marked by consistency or a lack thereof.

The answers to these questions will help one understand their own attachment style, which fits into a rubric whereby you can gain insight into “the four main patterns of attachment in adults and how they commonly affect couples in their relationships.” In cases where a primary caregiver neglected a child or was unresponsive, that child will often grow up to “form an insecure attachment pattern.”

Insecure attachment patterns grow out of neglect and manifest in several ways in adulthood. First is “anxious attachment” where childhood neglect leads to a person being “clingy” and largely incapable of truly trusting a partner in later life. “Avoidant attachment” is marked by “children that play by themselves and develop the belief that no one is there to meet their needs. As adults, they typically label themselves as very independent.” Finally, “disorganized attachment develops from abuse, trauma, or chaos in the home.” In these cases, people in adult relationships feel unmoored and experience a general lack of emotional security.

But Dr. Feuerman offers hope to those who may have survived a less than ideal adolescence and who hope to break the negative attachment patterns that come to dominate their romantic relationships in adulthood. Being cognizant of your past and resulting attachment style is the first step, and this is aided by working with a quality therapist. But Dr. Feuerman also observes that “you can challenge your insecurities by choosing a partner with a secure attachment style, and work on developing yourself in that relationship.” In the end, she counsels adults that “by facing your fears about love, you can build new styles of attachment for sustaining a satisfying,

Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Her book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Feel free to ask a question here.

Terry’s book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, was published by Sounds True in February of 2020.

Previous Post

November 12, 2023

4 Ways You Can Creatively Limit the Use of Technology in Your Home

Next Post

November 24, 2023 10 Things I Owe My Kids After Divorce

Recent Comments

0 | Leave a Comment

"The cheering after each cut of twine highlights how ritual isn’t just personal it’s MyCCPay ..."

nehal062karkera

3 Steps to Being an Active ..."

"https://uploads.disquscdn.c..."

Melanie Bush

Full Disclosure About Finances Reduces Marital ..."

"https://uploads.disquscdn.c..."

Melanie Bush

8 Signs My Partner is Marriage ..."

"A successful remarriage (I'm 35 years into one) cannot be reduced to "8 steps" or ..."

Vance Morgan

8 Keys to Success in a ..."

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Uncategorized

Select a Month November 2026 October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who was the prophet after Moses?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Samuel Isaiah Elijah Joshua