Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Family, Parenting and Religion
Putting Our Parents Way of Raising Us In Perspective

Putting Our Parents Way of Raising Us In Perspective

Last updated on: April 26, 2023 at 10:00 pm by Terry Gaspard

0 Comments

Putting Our Parents Way of Raising Us In Perspective 2023-04-26T22:00:55-04:00 Terry Gaspard

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Many of my clients fear reenacting the parenting style they grew up with and go to great lengths to raise their child in a different manner. This is particularly true if they have a negative pattern of relating to them or they are estranged from them. It’s my belief that examining our parents’ style more closely can shed light on why we might feel this way and to avoid the “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” phenomenon that might cause us to feel concerned about the legacy we leave our children.

A recent article on the website The Candidly unpacks the universal, often difficult to decode impact that our parents have had on our lives, personalities, and out own abilities as mothers and fathers to children later in life. Citing research conducted by John Gottman of The Gottman Institute, the piece begins with a straightforward premise, noting that “how our parents regarded and responded to our emotions has likely had a profound and ongoing effect on us.”

Gottman’s four stylistic categories are then broken down, each one defined by “how [parents] handle their kids ’emotions.” Along with each of the style, behavioral example are provided, along with how they affect the children.

First, Gottman has outlines “The Dismissing Parent,” a way of rearing children that is often disinterested, out of touch and “avoiding and actively overlooking their child’s feelings.” As the name would suggest, parents of this type often dismiss their child’s feelings, brushing off emotionally significant moments.

In the face of a child’s often challenging attempt to process their emotions, The Dismissing Parent will say things like “crying won’t solve anything,” or “you’re fine,” and ultimately, this type of parent is unable to “handle negative emotions, treating them as unfavorable, inconvenient, or unhealthy.”

The second style is that of “The Disapproving Parent,” a disposition that sees the parent taking “their intolerance for a child’s emotions to another level, tending to be more harsh and critical than a dismissing parent.” The Disapproving Parent is judgmental, harsh and impossible to please.

The Candidly sums ups Gottman’s Disapproving parent by saying “if you grew up with a disapproving parent, you probably felt very judged for your feelings. They may have tried to control or manipulate your emotions through punishment, discipline, and a generally overpowering way of relating to you. Again, they enforce the message that any negative emotions are weak, useless, and an imposition.”

Gottman’s third style of is “The Laizzez-Faire Parent.” Unlike the previous two models, The Laizzez-Faire Parent is passive, overly permissive and struggles to impart guidance and structure for their child. Despite not being overbearing or aggressive, this inaction leaves a child without the tools to mature and learn to appropriately cope with life’s inevitable hurdles.

Finally, Gottman has labeled the fourth style as “The Emotion-Coaching Parent.” Here, we see a definite departure from the largely regressive traits of the previous three categories, instead observing a parent who “generally meets feelings with patience.”

Further, The Emotion-Coaching Parent understands their child’s processing of negative “feelings as an opportunity to grow, problem-solve, and get closer” and they often “show more emotional intelligence, tolerance, and acceptance of their own emotions.” The Emotion-Coaching Parent is caring and curious, and “they ask questions, listen, empathize, and offer affection to their distraught child.” The children of Emotion-Coaching Parents are armed with the tools to tackle tough moments, and are “much more likely to feel safe with [their] feelings and trust [themselves].”

All told, Dr. Gottman’s four styles of parenting encompass a range of good and bad experiences that children live through with their parents and can account for the reactions that parents have to those realities. It’s clear that the way one parents not only affects a child in their young life, but also predicts how they will function as parents themselves later in life. While the children of dysfunctional parents can certainly transcend those circumstances, it’s also true that healthy dynamics predict emotionally adept, well-adjusted families now and for future generations.

Find Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award-winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Her new book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True on February 18, 2020.

I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry

Uncategorized

parenting

Previous Post

April 23, 2023

Why Do I Fall In Love With Men Who Hurt Me?

Next Post

May 7, 2023 Mothers And Daughters: Healing Together After Divorce

Recent Comments

0 | Leave a Comment

"The cheering after each cut of twine highlights how ritual isn’t just personal it’s MyCCPay ..."

nehal062karkera

3 Steps to Being an Active ..."

"https://uploads.disquscdn.c..."

Melanie Bush

Full Disclosure About Finances Reduces Marital ..."

"https://uploads.disquscdn.c..."

Melanie Bush

8 Signs My Partner is Marriage ..."

"A successful remarriage (I'm 35 years into one) cannot be reduced to "8 steps" or ..."

Vance Morgan

8 Keys to Success in a ..."

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Uncategorized

Select a Month November 2026 October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who played the harp for King Saul?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Asaph David Solomon Samuel