How Do I Overcome the Legacy of Divorce?

Last updated on: December 4, 2022 at 5:33 pm by Terry Gaspard

How Do I Overcome the Legacy of Divorce? 2022-12-04T17:33:06-05:00 Terry Gaspard

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Do you ever wonder if you’ll get out from under the shadow of your parents’ divorce? Do you worry about repeating the patterns of the past? The challenge of creating and maintaining a healthy, long-lasting relationship is where your parents fell short. But you have an opportunity to learn from their mistakes and build the kind of relationship that eluded your parents.

Shutterstock.com

There are many reasons why adults raised in divorced homes get stuck in the past and have difficulty establishing healthy relationships in the present. You might find yourself in relationship patterns that mirror your family of origin. It’s understandable that you might repeat patterns that you observed in your childhood home. Another factor may be what Freud referred to as repetition compulsion. This is a tendency that people have to repeat patterns from the past as a way to gain mastery over them. In either case, becoming more aware of the unhealthy relationship patterns that contributed to your parents’ divorce can be a good first step.

Abby, in her late thirties, spent over two decades struggling with ghosts from the past and experiencing turmoil in romantic relationships. Because she had little insight into her past, she found herself reenacting the painful memories of her parents’ marriage and subsequent breakup. Abby’s parents split when she was nine years old when her mother discovered that her father had been cheating on her for years. Her adolescence was a time of turmoil as she lived between her parents’ two desperate worlds and acted out due to the conflict she experienced.

During young adulthood, Abby struggled through a series of unhealthy, short-term relationships until she met her fiancé, Rob, at age thirty-five. Prior to meeting Rob, she hadn’t had a healthy relationship for many years. She admits to sabotaging her relationships by being mistrustful and controlling. As Abby describes her issue with trust, she says, “My first serious boyfriend in college cheated on me several times. He betrayed me just like my dad cheated on my mom. After college, I dated someone named Kyle who was wonderful and treated me right. But since I wasn’t used to wonderful, I left him and picked guys who were the opposite of him. After that, I dated a lot of guys but didn’t have a serious relationship for many years.”

For nearly two decades, Abby avoided making a commitment because she was mistrustful and fearful of ending up like her parents. Like many daughters of divorce, she needed special permission to grieve the loss of her original family. With support from a seasoned therapist, Abby gained the insight to break the self-defeating pattern of mistrust and fear of commitment. When I asked Abby what the most difficult parts of an intimate relationship are, she stopped and nodded: “Trust and intimacy are not my strong suits. I hope that my marriage is nothing like my parents. I hope that it will be based on commitment and communication, which Rob and I have been working on.”

Penny provides another example of a woman who replayed patterns of the past for many years without conscious awareness. In love with the idea of marriage, Penny was looking for the nurturing and intimacy she lacked as a child. Like her mother, Penny was self-sacrificing and was attracted to someone who was her opposite – self-absorbed and unwilling to consider her needs. Ignoring the red flags early in the relationship, she was caught up in a pursuer-distancer pattern with her fiancé Bill, who could never fully commit to marriage. They had been engaged for six years and he was unwilling to set a date for their wedding. Unfortunately, Penny allowed herself to pursue a partner who bore a strong resemblance to her emotionally distant father.

How to Let Go Of the Past

There are many reasons why people have difficulty letting go of the past and moving past divorce. Sometimes, children take their parents’ offenses to heart and blame themselves. After all, all children want to admire their caregivers and so when they do things that are untrustworthy, children blame themselves as a way to make sense of their world. Some people even create a narrative for their life that focuses on suffering and blame. The following tips will help you to heal from the past and to make healthier choices in relationships in the present.

Gain awareness about past hurt. For instance, both Abby and Penny learned that their parents’ unhealthy patterns had impacted their choices in partners much more than they realized.
Acknowledge the damage that was done and shift to an impersonal perspective. In other words, don’t take your parents’ actions personally, in most cases they were not trying to hurt or upset you when they divorced.
Find ways to repair the damage by writing a new narrative for your life – one that includes picking partners who are trustworthy and willing to work on a committed relationship.
Examine your expectations about intimate relationships. You might be focused on your dream of how a relationship should be rather than the reality of how it is – leading to disappointment.
Focus on the things that you can control. Abby realized that she couldn’t control her father’s infidelity but she could choose a life partner who shared her view of fidelity and commitment.

Crafting a new story for your life includes not allowing your parents’ divorce or unhappiness to define who you are as a person. Develop and use positive intentions or affirmations such as:

I accept that I don’t have control over all aspects of my life, but I can exercise the power of choice. I will attempt to make good choices and let go of those things that are beyond my control.
I won’t let my parents’ divorce or my past prevent me from making positive choices today.

With time and patience, you can begin to visualize the kind of life you need to thrive. You don’t have to let your past dictate the decisions you make today. Restoring your faith in love includes building relationships based on love, trust, and intimacy. Remember to be gentle with yourself and others on your journey.

Find Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award-winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Her new book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True on February 18, 2020.

I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry

Previous Post

November 27, 2022

The Secret to Being Heard by Your Partner

Next Post

December 11, 2022 8 Co-Parenting Tips to Help Kids Cope During the Holidays

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Uncategorized

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

In the parable of the talents, what is rewarded?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Patience Riches Faithfulness Sincerity