4 Ways to Deal With An Intrusive Mother-in-Law

Last updated on: November 2, 2021 at 9:30 am by Terry Gaspard

4 Ways to Deal With An Intrusive Mother-in-Law 2021-11-02T09:30:52-04:00 Terry Gaspard

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Hello Terry,

I read your blog often but have not seen you write about how a daughter-in-law can deal with a mother-in-law who has boundary issues. I have been married for two years to a loving man, Stephen, 32, who is very close to his family. During our five year courtship, he has spent most Sundays with his parents. The good news is that I usually go along and his mother is fond of me. But her requests for Stephen and myself to spend time with her and his father have increased during the two years we’ve been married.

For instance, two weeks ago, she called and told us she booked a hotel for all of us in Niagara Falls for the weekend and she didn’t even ask us if we are free or want to come. Unfortunately, Stephen walks on eggshells with his mother and doesn’t want to hurt her feelings so he has trouble saying “no.” As a result, I feel like I’m being difficult when I set a boundary. Stephen travels with his job as an engineer and we don’t see each other much during the week so weekend time is important. We are also expecting our first child in six months!

How do I explain to Stephen and his mother that I need some alone time with him on the weekends and that I want to be asked before she makes reservations to go somewhere for the weekend? I’m grateful for all that my mother-in-law has done for us and she is a kind person, but she overreacts and takes things personally when I reject any offer to spend time with her (even to hang out in the kitchen when I want to swim in their pool).

Sincerely,

Carolyn, age 30

Dear Carolyn,

Your problem is actually quite common and the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law dynamic is the most challenging of all in-law relationships. It’s crucial that you have a discussion with Stephen about the importance of making your marriage a priority and stress that you want to spend time with his family but it has to be balanced with time alone with him (and your child who will be born soon).

In one study, 70% of women polled expressed dissatisfaction with their mother-in-law or daughter-in-law. Comments ranged from “I’m glad she doesn’t visit” to “I wish she were dead.” It’s safe to say this is one of the most complicated relationships, according to Elizabeth Graham, author of Mothers-in-Law Vs. Daughters in-Law: Let There Be Peace.”

In fact, Graham states that the conflict between mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws has raged throughout history and is well documented. Often a wife and mother have two radically different views of the same man and a mother-in-law may see him first as her child and may have trouble shifting gears in order to see him as a husband and father.

These are 4 ways to deal with an intrusive mother-in-law:

Raise Awareness: Acknowledge that there is a problem with your spouse and state an “I Message” calmly to express your concern. Start gently by saying something like “I appreciate all that your mom does for us and want to spend time with her on weekends. But I think we need to set some boundaries so we have alone time to focus on us and our new baby.” It will work better than a “You Message like, “Your mom is selfish and never thinks about my needs.”
Be Careful Not to Criticize Your Mother-in Law: Adult children can be sensitive and may even get defensive if they feel their spouse is criticizing one or both of their parents. So be sure to state your concerns in a positive way rather than getting too negative or blameful in your comments.
Let Your Spouse Know You Are Willing to Compromise: You can express this by saying things like, “I know how much you love your mother. I will always do my best to understand your need for time with her because you are important to me.”
Let Go of Expectations: Try your best to be realistic that you may never have the kind of relationship with your mother-in-Law that you expected or desire. If you focus on the positive (i.e., she likes you as a person and/or doesn’t bad-mouth you) you will adopt a more optimistic attitude and this will pave the way for better communication).

One last thought to consider is that people often focus on being liked by family members and forget that all relationships have limits. While it’s never easy to set boundaries with a family member, keep in mind that the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law dynamic is probably one of the most complex and challenging. Further, a professional counselor can be a good resource for support and feedback if this relationship becomes more problematic or does not improve over time.

Best Regards,

Terry

Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Her book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Feel free to ask a question here.

Terry’s forthcoming book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, was published by Sounds True in February of 2020.

Uncategorized

family

Marriage

Previous Post

August 22, 2021

It's Not Instant Love Between a Stepparent and Stepchild

Next Post

September 3, 2021 Is Fighting Inevitable In Your Relationship?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Uncategorized

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What does the Hebrew word 'Yahweh' mean?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Eternal King I AM The Almighty God is Love