7 Ways to Ignite Sexual Passion with Your Partner

Last updated on: June 19, 2021 at 4:54 pm by Terry Gaspard

7 Ways to Ignite Sexual Passion with Your Partner 2021-06-19T16:54:09-04:00 Terry Gaspard

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

The most common complaint of couples that I work with today is that they have fallen out of love and that the passion has dwindled between them. However, falling out of love usually does not occur overnight. Likewise, relationship repair takes time and effort on the part of both partners and includes rekindling sexual intimacy and emotional attunement. Fortunately, here are many ways for couples to fall back in love and ending a habit of criticizing each other is a good first step.

During a recent couples counseling sessions, Marisa, 49, and Joshua, 53, spoke about how they are locked into a pattern of criticism and attack which had lowered the amount of positive interactions and sexual passion between them. When I asked them to increase positive comments during conflict and to spend more time nurturing their physical and sexual relationship, they were resistant at first but over time they improved.

Stop Criticizing Each Other

Marisa puts it like this: “Joshua is a good husband, but I’m just not in love with him anymore.” When Marisa drops this bombshell, Joshua responds, “We don’t have hot sex often – and our timing is just off. But I was shocked when Marisa talked about splitting up recently.”

As Marisa and Joshua describe their typical pattern of relating during their twelve years of marriage, it amounts to Marisa seeking out Joshua for emotional and sexual intimacy and Joshua distancing. Joshua describes his withdrawal from Marisa as a habit. “It just feels hard to meet her needs so why bother? We used to be in sync but lately we’re distracted by our jobs and demands of our two kids.”

Renowned relationship expert Dr. John Gottman’s research on thousands of couples discovered that partners that get stuck in this pattern the first few years of marriage have more than a 80% chance of divorcing in the first four or five years of marriage. He posits that men have a tendency to withdraw and women to pursue. This pattern is wired into our physiology and reflects a basic gender difference. In his classic “Love Lab” observations, Dr. Gottman noted that this pattern is a major contributor to marital breakdown.

Nurture Emotional Intimacy

If Marisa and Joshua want to fall back in love again, they need to stop focusing on each other’s flaws and spend their energy fostering a deeper connection. In other words, stop assuming the worst of each other and put an end to demanding their partner change.

In over 40 years of research on couples in his “Love Lab” Dr. Gottman discovered that the two leading causes for divorce are criticism and contempt. In his book Why Marriages Succeed and Fail, he reminds us that criticizing our partner is different from offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an attack on the person. For instance, a complaint is: “I want to be included in financial decisions. We agreed that you’d discuss big purchases with me.” In comparison, criticism might be: “You never consider my needs, you’re so selfish.”

Instead, couples who want to rekindle their passion and love need to “turn towards” each other. In The Science of Trust, Dr. Gottman explains that practicing emotional attunement can help you stay connected in spite of your differences. This means “turning toward” one another by showing empathy, and not being defensive. In other words, both partners need to talk about their feelings in terms of positive need, instead of what they do not need. The speaker is really saying. “Here’s what I feel, and what I need from you.”

How to Ignite Sexual Passion

During the early phase of a relationship, many couples barely come up for air due to the excitement of falling in love. Unfortunately, this blissful state does not last forever. Scientists have found that oxytocin (a bonding hormone) is released during the initial stage of infatuation – which causes couples to feel euphoric and turned on by physical affection – such as touching and holding hands. Oxytocin works like a drug, giving us immediate rewards and binding us to our lover.

The struggle between Marisa and Joshua is a common one for hard-working couples balancing jobs, parenting, and intimacy. Sex therapist Laurie Watson, author of Wanting Sex Again: How to Rediscover Your Desire and Heal a Sexless Marriage writes, “Most sexual concerns stem from an interpersonal struggle in the marriage.”

7 tips to ignite sexual intimacy and fall back in love:

Avoid Criticism: Make a plan to stop the “blame game.” Examining your own behavior will end the power struggle. Take responsibility for your own behavior and stop pointing your finger at your partner.
Break the pursuer-distancer pattern. Distancers need to practice initiating sex more often and pursuers need to find ways to tell their partner “you’re sexy,” while avoiding critique after sex. For example, the pursuer can try being shy and quietly seductive – perhaps encouraging the distancer to move toward him/her.
Boost time showing physical affection. According to Kory Floyd, physical contact releases feel good hormones. Holding hands, hugging, and touching releases oxytocin (the bonding hormone) causing a calming sensation. Studies show it’s released during sexual orgasm and affectionate touch as well. Physical affection also reduces stress hormones – lowering daily levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Dr. Michael Stysma recommends couples double the length of time they spend kissing, hugging, and touching each other if they want to improve their marriage.
Allow tension to build. Our brains experience more pleasure when the anticipation of the reward goes on for some time before we get the actual reward. So take your time, share fantasies, change locations, and make sex more romantic.
Variety is the spice of life: (gentle, loving-tender sex; intimate sex; highly erotic sex, etc.). Break up the routine and try new things as your sexual needs change.
Make sex a priority and set the mood for intimacy before TV or work dulls your passion. Find time to be sexually intimate at least once a week. A light meal and your favorite music and wine can set the stage for great sex.
Try a variety of activities that bring you both pleasure. Avoid discussing problems, household tasks, and your children if you want to bring back the sexual chemistry with your partner. Have fun courting and practice flirting with him or her. Don’t forget to cuddle on the couch and surprise your partner with a kiss.

Igniting sexual passion is possible if you make pleasurable activity a priority and don’t put it on the back burner. If you want to improve the quality of your marriage, according to experts, increase physical affection, stop criticizing each other, and make intimacy a priority. Even if you’re not a touchy-feely person, increasing affectionate touch can help you to sustain a deep, meaningful bond that will endure the test of time.

Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Her book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Feel free to ask a question here.

Terry’s new book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, has just been released as an Audiobook by Random House Audio. Order it here.

Uncategorized

Marriage

sexuality

Previous Post

April 11, 2021

Seeing Boundaries In A New Light

Next Post

April 22, 2021 6 Tips for Improving Communication and Creating Loving Intimacy

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Uncategorized

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

A hand wrote on the palace wall during a feast, and I interpreted the message: numbered, weighed, divided. What were these three Aramaic words?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Babylon, Media, Persia Holy, Holy, Holy Ichabod, Ebenezer, Beulah Mene, Mene, Tekel, Parsin