Life After Infidelity

Last updated on: November 13, 2020 at 4:22 pm by Terry Gaspard

Life After Infidelity 2020-11-13T16:22:06-05:00 Terry Gaspard

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Infidelity is a common problem in intimate relationships and the mistrust that results can destroy a marriage or relationship. Few things compare to the loss and desolation a person feels when they have been betrayed. With intensive couples counseling, some couples can recover but it is a slow and up and down process that takes a lot of effort on the part of both people.

Karen, 44, shares her struggle to regain trust in her husband, Colin, 46, after she found out in a text message that he’d been having a fling with someone from his past. During a couples counseling session, Karen reflects:

“I just can’t seem to get over the idea that it could happen again. I’ve asked Colin why it happened and he just says he was unhappy and we bicker a lot, but who is to say he won’t reach out to her again. The women he slept with sent me a detailed text about their affair and it felt like someone stole my heart and my pride. It will take me a long time to forgive him.”

Surely there are no guarantees in life but during our sessions, Colin reassured Karen that he made a horrible mistake and it would not happen again. He said, “If I ever feel dissatisfied with our marriage, I’ll tell you rather than running to the arms of someone else. I know that this just made things worse and I’m left feeling incredibly guilty for causing you so much pain.”

In a recent article for The Gottman Institute’s website, Taylor Irvine tackles the topic of infidelity and describes it as one of the most challenging and emotionally fraught issues in marriage. But rather than forecast doom for couples struggling to rebuild trust and move past the pain of an affair, Irvine adds insight and context to an all-too-common cause of divorce.

Likening adultery to the “check engine” light on your car’s dashboard, Irvine frames cheating as the symptom rather than the problem in and of itself. Certainly, cheating is a betrayal that has the power to destroy the emotional dynamic of a relationship, but it’s not often that partners are able to unwind the factors that led to infidelity in the first place.

Affairs are often seen not just as a mistake, but as a series of ongoing deceptions that cut to the heart of the aggrieved partner’s self-esteem, upending their belief in the most foundational elements of their union, including love, trust and a shared history with their significant other.

But more often than not, infidelity is the last domino to fall in a pattern of long-ignored issues ion a relationship. In other words, affairs rarely just happen. Rather, they grow out of unhealthy patterns that develop over a long period of time.

The typical stressors in married life — financial strife, the pressures of raising children, flaws in a couple’s communication — are part of the equation. However, the disconnection and emotional distance that can develop in a marriage most often lead to a spouse seeking what they are no longer getting in their marriage from the outside.

Whether infidelity is driven by emotional or physical needs not being met — or commonly, by a combination of the two — the result is rather predictable. As Irvine puts it, “the betrayed partner experiences a rocking of their world and may be left wondering, ‘should I stay or should I go?’”

But in a projection of hope for couples devastated by cheating, Irvine suggests that moving beyond the “anger, sadness, pain and humiliation” relies first on forgiveness. If the betrayed partner can avoid “harboring contempt,” it enables both spouses to turn their focus back toward their relationship and begin the work of repairing the loss of trust as well as the underlying issue that may have led to infidelity.

Successfully rebuilding after an affair is a matter of learning to love and communication with each other in ways that anticipate and avoid conflict. Irvine relates that couples who can “defuse arguments,” and “respectfully accept one another’s differing perspectives” can ultimately rebuild their marriage and “engage in healthier conflict discussion, turn towards one another, and increase emotional atonement” on the road to “long-term relationship satisfaction and growth.”

Find Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Her new book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True on February 18, 2020.

I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry

Uncategorized

Infidelity

Marriage

Previous Post

November 7, 2020

How To Let Go of the Past and Trust Your Own Judgment in Relationships

Next Post

November 22, 2020 5 Ways to Restore Trust After an Emotional Affair

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Uncategorized

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

In which garden did Jesus pray before His arrest?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Gethsemane Eden Paradise Golgotha