How to Get Unstuck From the Approval Trap

Last updated on: February 19, 2020 at 3:58 pm by Terry Gaspard

How to Get Unstuck From the Approval Trap 2020-02-19T15:58:07-05:00 Terry Gaspard

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

For most of my life, I’ve been stuck in the “Approval Trap” because I’ve been fearful of losing the approval of others. In my experience, it is possible for you to find your own voice and act from a place of personal power. Many of the women I interviewed for my studies on divorce felt that being raised in a divided home impacted their self-esteem. Keep in mind, you will exercise personal power when you speak up for what you want and need. Don’t buy into the guilt trip others may try to lay on you.

If you feel overwhelmed with the frenzied pace that you’ve been keeping trying to please everyone, you are not alone. As a woman, you may have taken on a caregiver role. Some girls, who were leaned on too much by their parents during and after divorce, develop a sense of helplessness because they can’t solve the problems in their family. This kind of helplessness can lead to low-self-esteem if it goes on for a while. In his book, Making Peace With Your Parents, Dr. Harold Bloomfield, coined the term the “Approval Trap” to describe people who bend over backwards seeking approval from others due to unresolved issues with their parents.

Experiencing parental divorce can often set the stage for being stuck in the approval trap. Even in the case of a “good divorce” children witness their parents confronting each other about conflicting values and beliefs. They often become travelers between their parents’ two worlds and have trouble resolving these differences. As a daughter of divorce, it’s easy to see how you’ve become overly focused on what your parents want. But as a young adult, it’s time for you to work on asserting your needs in a way that’s respectful to others.

The first step to writing a new story for your life is to examine your self-esteem and beliefs about relationships. Often women get stuck in the “Approval Trap” because they lack self-awareness. The following steps to gaining self-worth and shedding toxic self-defeating messages will enable you to exercise personal power and gain control of your life.

Examine your childhood including your parent’s divorce from an adult perspective. Likewise, if your parents didn’t divorce but had a high conflict relationship, you might have a high need for approval and low self-esteem. Therapy, reading, and keeping a journal can aid you in the process of recovery.
Recognize and accept that the way you feel about yourself inside reflects the way you relate to people outside. If you are too agreeable, make a list of things that are important to you and begin pursuing some of them. Share the list with a friend.
Remember to be honest about your own needs. You are not obligated to meet the needs of others. That is their responsibility and only you know what’s best for you.
Make choices that impact the way you want to live your life. This involves moving out of a place of viewing yourself as a victim. Set goals and make new choices to change your life – such as taking time to do the things that you enjoy rather than deferring to the needs of others.
Believe in yourself and work on self-acceptance. You are okay just the way you are.

As you begin to create a new story for your life, your parents and significant others may react in a negative way. They may need time to adapt to the new you. But with faith and hard work, you can learn to separate yourself from your parents’ pain and the expectations of others. You are worth the effort and deserve a freer, more creative life.

Follow Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.

Terry’s forthcoming book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, was published by Sounds True in February of 2020.

I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry

Uncategorized

relationships

self-esteem

Previous Post

January 9, 2020

7 Steps to Overcoming the Legacy of Divorce

Next Post

January 22, 2020 8 Keys to Success in a Remarriage

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Uncategorized

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who was the father of John the Baptist?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Simeon Eli Nicodemus Zechariah