How to Be More Assertive with Your Partner By Using “I” Statements

Last updated on: February 19, 2020 at 4:04 pm by Terry Gaspard

How to Be More Assertive with Your Partner By Using “I” Statements 2020-02-19T16:04:33-05:00 Terry Gaspard

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Before you can begin to build successful relationships, you must have healthy self-esteem – which means believing in yourself. One of the first things to consider is: how do you treat yourself? No one is going to treat you with respect if you beat yourself up and are not able to ask for what you need.

Get rid of all those self-defeating thoughts in your head – such as calling yourself “stupid” that won’t help you express your needs clearly and effectively.

When one partner communicates effectively it encourages their partner to do the same. That said, communication affects how safe and secure we feel in our relationships and our level of intimacy. In other words, it’s a challenge to be vulnerable and honest with a person when you can’t trust that he or she will respond in a positive or appropriate way.

For instance, because Maura fears Tim will be critical and blame her for her their financial problems because she spends too much money on new clothes, she doesn’t speak up and isn’t transparent with him. Then when this happens, Tim feels angry and resentful and the vicious cycle of poor communication continues. Now that Maura and Tim are aware of this ineffective pattern, they are working on ways to listen and respond more positively to each other to improve the quality of their communication.

“I” Statements

One highly effective way of stopping this negative cycle of relating to your partner inappropriately is the use of “I” statements when communicating important information to your partner. An “I” statement is an assertive message about your thoughts or feelings without placing blame or judgment on your partner. It makes it more likely your partner will hear what you say and not get defensive in contrast to a “You” message which is negative and lacks integrity.

An “I” statement is a style of communication that focuses on the feelings or beliefs of the speaker rather than thoughts and characteristics that the speaker attributes to the listener. For instance, a person might say to his or her partner, “I feel rejected and worried when you come home late without calling,” instead of demanding and blaming, “You’re so selfish, you never call me when you’re running late.” Further, “I” statements are a good way to ensure that partners are accepting responsibility for their feelings and actions. There are three aspects of using “I” messages effectively according to experts.

Emotion: “I feel…” (state your emotion): It is a self-disclosure, referring to “I” and expresses a feeling. It must be expressed by stating how you feel not “You make me feel” etc.
Behavior: “When you…” (describe their behavior or describe the conditions that are related to your feelings). Refer to the other person’s observable behavior or the conditions that are relevant for you to feel the way you do. State the facts without opinions, threats, criticism, ultimatums, judging, and mind-reading or other words or behaviors that might create defensiveness.
Why: “Because…” (explain why those conditions or your partner’s behavior cause you to feel this way). Explain why you experience this emotion when your partner does the behavior. Also, include how you interpret their behavior and any tangible or concrete effect their behavior has on you. Be especially careful about not being blameful when you describe the “because.”

For example, Maura might say to Tim: “I feel worried about telling you I spent too much money shopping because I don’t feel you’ll trust me anymore.” Whereas a “You” statement might be: “You never trust me so that’s why I didn’t tell you about spending so much money. It seems like you get mad when you can’t control our money.”

Think about the impact of each statement on this couple’s communication and level of trust and intimacy. The “You” statement will most likely cause Tim to feel defensive and to get angrier at Maura, whereas the “I” statement promotes good communication.

By using assertive communication, you are opening the door to intimacy. Love means risking occasionally getting your feelings hurt; it’s a price you have to pay for intimacy because you and your partner are being open and vulnerable with each other. Conflict will happen and differences don’t have to lead to breakup. Real love starts with you. The more you know and understand what makes you tick the better prepared you’ll be to invite a partner into your life to create a successful relationship.

For the most part, people who are assertive have higher self-esteem because they take ownership for their behavior and feel empowered to ask for what they need to be happy. Keep in mind that being more assertive and using “I” statements can improve the quality of all of your relationships including with friends, family members, and co-workers. In addition, if you’re a parent, you’re setting a good example for your children when you use assertive communication and it can have a positive impact on their relationships throughout their lives.

Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Her new book, The Remarriage Manual, is available for purchase from your favorite bookseller.

I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry

Previous Post

November 2, 2019

The Benefits of Premarital Counseling

Next Post

November 16, 2019 Here's What Really Happens in Marriage Counseling

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Uncategorized

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Which letter addresses the "fruit of the Spirit"?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Colossians Romans Hebrews Galatians