The Pro’s and Cons of Trial Separation

Last updated on: February 19, 2020 at 4:13 pm by Terry Gaspard

The Pro’s and Cons of Trial Separation 2020-02-19T16:13:26-05:00 Terry Gaspard

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

In a recent marriage.com article, the pros, cons and positive potential of trial separations in marriages in turmoil is explored. The traditional view of trial separations is that making the decision to create space, or “take time off,” in a marriage is the first of a number of steps on the road to divorce. But increasingly, the initially counterintuitive notion that couples consciously creating distance can actually save a relationship, is being explored.

In her article, Kelli Hastings, LCSW delves into the issues surrounding trail separations. As with so many strategies employed to strengthen a marriage, she suggests that a couple must first overcome their emotional baggage and pre-programmed expectations to benefit from a trial separation. In other words, the typical pattern of couples who “clutch on tighter, work harder and give more, when they feel their partners are slipping away” must be overcome by approaching the idea of a trial separation with a constructive outlook and an open mind.

Hastings points out that while marriages do requires work, trying “too hard can create new problems and exacerbate existing ones.” She also addresses the uncertainty that makes trial separations so scary for couples. Even when creating distance is beneficial for a marriage, there is no way to predict how a separation might change the dynamics of a relationship.

But, under in the right circumstances, a trial separation might make that old cliche ring true once more: distance makes the heart grow fonder. In each other’s absence, couples can come to appreciate what they miss most, what they’ve taken for granted, and perhaps reconnect to the feelings of love, trust and comfort that brought them together in the first place.

Hastings also offers a set of rules for trial separations that are thoughtful, measured, and very likely effective in increasing the chance that a separation will bear fruit. First, she suggests that a couple should have a shared goal at the outset of the trial separation. Being aligned in the outcome you hope to see can create a bond that makes a trial separation more manageable.

Second, Hastings advises that couples embark upon a trial separation with support. Whether it’s with the guidance of a marriage counselor or the assistance of a close family member or friend, creating structure for a trial separation will increase a couples’ chances of finding success in the future.

Indeed, participating in marriage counseling throughout a trial separation allows a couple to maintain contact, uphold the ground rules they set, and have a structured schedule of contact that revolves around solving their problems, addressing existing conflicts, and strengthening their bond.

While trial separations remain a risky proposition, Hastings’ article make it clear that they can provide much needed clarity in a marriage and offer couples the perspective to reevaluate their relationship. Taking a break can be a healthy anecdote for couples who are striving to work on their marriage and desire to live apart while doing so. Here are 8 tips to consider if you would like to try a trial separation.

5 Tips for taking a break from a relationship:

Set realistic boundaries and expectations. This includes ground rules and expectations such as talking about the duration of the break. Discuss whether you can date others. Can you text or call each other daily? Is it okay to have sexual intimacy with each other? Is it okay to stop by each other’s residence unannounced?
Make an agreement to have regular counseling sessions – focusing on working on your relationship patterns will greatly enhance your chances for success. Your counselor can help you decide how often you should see each other, if sexual activity is acceptable, etc.
Don’t give them too much information or false hope but inform them of your efforts to work on your marriage. If your children are younger than age twelve say something like: “Mommy and daddy need time to figure out how to get along better so we’re going to try living apart. We both love you and will make sure that you see a lot of both of us. Kids older than twelve can handle a little more information, such as: “We’re not sure if we’re going to work things out but we want to give it a try.” Never express negatively about their other parent or bad mouth them.
Don’t date other people while you’re living apart. It’s impossible to build trust – an essential aspect of intimacy – if you’re romantically or sexually involved with someone else.
Take time to learn more about yourself and practice self-care (such as exercise and eating healthy meals) so you can view your relationship with a fresh perspective. Meanwhile, stay optimistic and connected with your partner if you are interested in reconciling.

Let’s end on Tinatin Japaeridze’s words: “Both time and distance have been known to refuel love and longing for one another. Simple but true. Again, absence does make the heart grow fonder. On the other hand, if during this time apart, you realize that you hardly ever miss your partner, if might be a clear sign that you may, sadly, be approaching the end of the long and winding road. Letting go may no longer be an option but instead, your only viable solution.”

Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Her book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Feel free to ask a question here.

Terry’s forthcoming book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, was published by Sounds True in February of 2020.

Uncategorized

Marriage

separation

Previous Post

July 19, 2019

How to Know When It's Time to Go ... To Couples' Counseling

Next Post

August 2, 2019 4 Ways to Be More Transparent About Money with Your Partner

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Uncategorized

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

I took a census that displeased God, resulting in a plague that killed 70,000 men. Who am I?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Saul Solomon Joab David