Managing Conflict With Your Partner In a Healthy Way is Hard Work – But Well Worth the Effort.

Last updated on: February 19, 2020 at 4:18 pm by Terry Gaspard

Managing Conflict With Your Partner In a Healthy Way is Hard Work – But Well Worth the Effort. 2020-02-19T16:18:27-05:00 Terry Gaspard

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The healthiest intimate relationships are ones born out of trust and vulnerability. Each partner approaches one another as an equal. Many of the couples that I counsel can do this for short periods of time, but get defensive, throw in the towel, and either blame each other or withdraw after a while.

So why is it so hard to maintain a blissful state of love with a partner over time? The following tips designed to manage and repair conflicts may be a starting point to building a fulfilling intimate partnership:

Take a risk and deal with hurt feelings – especially if it’s an important issue.
Approach conflict with a problem-solving attitude. Avoid trying to prove a point and examine your part in a disagreement rather than playing “The blame game.”
Use “I” statements rather than “You” statements that tend to come across as blameful – such as “I felt hurt when you forgot to buy me a gift,” rather than “You’re so selfish, you never think about me.”
Don’t make threats or ultimatums. Avoid saying things you’ll regret later.
Take a short break if you feel overwhelmed or flooded. This will give you time to calm down and collect your thoughts. Be sure to have a brief “recovery conversation” when you are both calm and can process what happened more rationally. According to psychologist Daniel B. Wile, you can learn to use your disagreements to build a stronger relationship.

Truth be told, every relationship has its ups and downs, and conflict goes with the territory. Yet you might avoid conflict because it may have signified the end of your parents’ marriage or lead to bitter disputes. Marriage counselor, Michele Weiner Davis explains that avoiding conflict backfires in intimate relationships. She posits that bottling up negative thoughts and feelings doesn’t give your partner a chance to change their behavior.

On the other hand, Weiner cautions that one of the secrets of a good marriage or romantic relationship is learning to choose battles wisely and to distinguish between petty issues and important ones.

Further, it’s important to stop keeping score and to try not to win every argument, even when you believe you’re in the right. Successfully managing conflicts is about growing more resilient as a couple and striving for what’s best for your relationship.

In the beginning of a relationship, couples tend to focus more on their similarities. Yet over time, negative projections tend to surface and your partner may remind you of someone from your past. This could explain why some couples who seemed so compatible when they first got together, have more conflicts as time goes by. However, discussing this tendency will help you gain awareness of potential triggers for arguments and can help you gain insight and compassion for each other.

In all intimate relationships, there will be times when partners disagree. When this happens, it’s essential that you discuss your feelings and desires with your partner respectfully and find creative ways to compromise. Taking the time to manage conflict with your partner in a healthy way is hard work – but the payoff is tremendous.

Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Her new book, The Remarriage Manual, is available for purchase from your favorite bookseller.

I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry

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