How Your Parent’s Marriage Can Impact Your Intimate Relationships

Last updated on: April 4, 2019 at 7:24 am by Terry Gaspard

How Your Parent’s Marriage Can Impact Your Intimate Relationships 2019-04-04T07:24:24-04:00 Terry Gaspard

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Research shows that your own marriage and intimate relationships can be impacted by memories of your parents’ examples of what it means to be a spouse or partner. For instance, I was raised in a divorced family and learned early on that when people have trouble resolving conflicts, it can lead to the demise of a relationship.

Growing up, I watched both of my mother’s marriages fail and she gave up on love after her second divorce. On the other hand, my father had a happy second marriage but my memories of it are unreliable because I didn’t live with them continuously throughout my childhood. This experience left me feeling somewhat guarded but cautiously optimistic about whether marital happiness was possible.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, has observed that children benefit the most when parents themselves have a strong relationship. He writes, “In families where the parents aren’t living with each other or are not going to stay married, the parents can best help their children by minimizing their children’s exposure to destructive conflict. High levels of parental conflict create emotional distress in children and decrease effective parenting skills.”

It’s no wonder that many people feel ambivalent about marriage – longing to attain success but lacking the skills to navigate the inevitable ups and downs of married life. For instance, many adult children of divorce desire wedded bliss but since they have not a healthy template for committed relationships, they’re skeptical and forever on the lookout for ways to restore their faith in love.

Most experts believe that the first step in getting out from the shadow of your past is to gain awareness. Authors Gay Hendricks, Ph.D. and Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D. write, “A close relationship is a powerful light force, and like any strong light it casts a large shadow. When you stand in the light of a close relationship, you must learn to deal with the shadow.”

Tips to help you live in the present and make healthier choices in relationships:

Gain awareness of your past and adopt a more realistic perspective of it. Talk to your parents about their marriage and reflect on your childhood.
Examine the extent that your childhood experiences affect your present experience and expectations about your partner’s behavior.
Acknowledge the damage that was done and shift to an impersonal perspective – focus on understanding and healing rather than blame. Seeing your parents with new eyes can facilitate healing.
Take ownership of the ways you contribute to unhealthy dynamics with your partner and stop blaming him/her for your unhappiness. You might have unrealistic expectations of how a relationship should be – leading to disappointment.
Find ways to repair damage such as becoming more aware of your belief system and negative thoughts by writing your thoughts and feelings in a journal. Therapy can be helpful when dealing with past issues impacting your marriage.
Write positive intentions such as: “I desire a loving, respectful relationship with my spouse.” Set up a few specific goals to address these intentions such as making affirming comments to your partner three times a day and showing them affection. Keep in mind that your intention is your vision and your goal helps you attain it.

According to Dr. Joshua Coleman, author of The Marriage Makeover humans are unique in how much error they pass along to their offspring. He writes: “This is problematic, since children lack the intellectual or emotional base of experience to know whether their parents’ messages are correct. Thus, a woman who was constantly told by her mother that men can’t be trusted complied with this belief by constantly choosing men who couldn’t be trusted or by provoking men to behave in an untrustworthy fashion.”

When we avoid memories from our parents’ marriage, it can cause us to project inaccurate feelings and intentions on to our partner. For example, if your mother suffered from depression when you were growing up and your father was gone a lot, you may have become a “parentified” child who took on too much responsibility. As an adult, you could be overbearing or controlling with your partner if you’re not aware of this pattern.

However, you don’t have to let your parents’ marriage or divorce dictate the decisions you make today. With self-awareness and patience, you can begin to visualize the kind of life you need to thrive. Like all challenges in life, greater awareness and willingness to work on an issue can spark change.

For better or worse, most couples follow the marriage example set by their parents. Over and over again, I’ve seen relationships sabotaged or crumble because one or both partners follow the less than perfect model set by their parents when it comes to marriage. Fortunately, with self-awareness and positive intentions, it’s possible to get out from under the shadow of our parents’ mistakes.

Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.

I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry

Uncategorized

family

Marriage

Previous Post

April 3, 2019

5 Ways to Deal with Feelings of Rejection After a Breakup

Next Post

April 10, 2019 7 Ways Divorced Dads Can Empower Their Daughters

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Uncategorized

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

In Hebrews, what did Moses consider more valuable than the treasures of Egypt?

Select your answer to see how you score.

God's covenant Eternal life The promised land Disgrace for the sake of Christ