How to Avoid Being Defensive with Your Partner

Last updated on: March 2, 2019 at 1:37 pm by Terry Gaspard

How to Avoid Being Defensive with Your Partner 2019-03-02T13:37:52-05:00 Terry Gaspard

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During my first interview with Helena and Dan, an attractive couple in their late-thirties, I was impressed with their enthusiasm and commitment to each other. Married less than ten years, they were referred to me for marriage counseling. They have two children, ages 6 and 8 who are well adjusted but have both complained to Helena and Dan that they are tired of listening to them bicker.

Dan told me when he called to set up the interview that they were eager to learn tips to improve their marriage and they shared the goal of avoiding divorce at all cost. Engaging and articulate, Helena, age 38, explains how identifying her part in communication breakdowns with her husband, Dan, 39, helped save her marriage. “In the past, I used to focus on what Dan was doing wrong until a good friend reminded me that I may want to try harder to communicate my feelings to him without blaming him.”

Helena and Dan are a busy couple who are raising two children with full-time work schedules. Most of their arguments revolve around household chores, projects, and financial stress. Dan believes that Helena spends money excessively, and she often complains that he procrastinates with house projects and tends to be perfectionistic.

Helena realized that she didn’t learn healthy ways of resolving conflicts from her parents who had loud, abusive arguments in front of her and her two younger siblings. Likewise, her former boyfriend was openly critical of her and they had gotten into the habit of competing for the prize of who could win the argument – usually causing her to retreat to the mall for a shopping trip or to a friend’s house. Dan’s behavior triggered Helena’s response, then fueled his anger (and so on). Their attack-defensive pattern became a vicious cycle.

As a result, Helena had developed anger and defensiveness when Dan made comments about her spending behavior. She’d been conditioned to protect herself and put up a shield which prevented her from being vulnerable and intimate with Dan. Over time, Helena realized that she could lay down her armor and no longer needed to prove she was competent in Dan’s eyes because he truly accepted her for who she was.

Like all smart women, Helena came to understand that every relationship goes through rough patches and that it takes two people to contribute to the difficulties. But because she enjoys being married overall, Helena attempts to focus more on Dan’s positive qualities – such as being affectionate – rather than negative ones.

Helena reflects: “When I stopped being defensive, that’s when I noticed things improving with how Dan and I got along. I expected him to read my mind and did not bother to tell him what I needed. When he failed, I would go into a shell or let him have it. But when I let go of my efforts to fix him, and started working on myself, things began to get better.”

In Helena’s case, once she began to focus on her part of the problem, she was less likely to point her finger at Dan or take things personally. Over time, Dan began to notice that Helena was more receptive to his influence and they were able to regain the love and passion they enjoyed in their early years together.

In Peoplemaking, Virginia Satir writes, “Shadows from the past are very real and must be dealt with by the new marital pair.” As an author and psychotherapist, Satire made many references to how common it is for remarried partners to bring emotional baggage to their union and how the past can contaminate new and potentially positive relationships if it isn’t possessed and handled properly.

Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.

I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry

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