Do All Conflicts Have to be Resolved in a Marriage?

Last updated on: March 26, 2019 at 7:26 pm by Terry Gaspard

Do All Conflicts Have to be Resolved in a Marriage? 2019-03-26T19:26:49-04:00 Terry Gaspard

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

When Mark and Kayla first came to my office for couples counseling, they were both skeptical that they would be able to work things out. Both in their late 30’s, with two young children, they argued frequently and often issued ultimatums and felt they were on the brink of divorce.

Kayla identified having trust issues that led to arguments over safety and security. This was especially the case when they were out socially when Kayla felt more insecure because Mark was friendly and talked to other women.

Kayla explains, “80% of the time I trust Mark and believe he wants the best for me and the other 20% is not something I can blame him for. He’s not trying to hurt me on purpose when he comes home late or forgets to text me. I have anxiety which makes trusting him a challenge but I’m learning to deal with his outgoing nature and accept that he likes to interact with all kinds of people at parties and work events.”

When Kayla and Mark are able to be vulnerable and discuss concerns that arise with each other in a timely and respectful way, they’re becoming better at repair skills. If they embrace the notion that conflict is an inevitable part of an intimate relationship, and that not all problems have to be resolved, they will bounce back from disagreements faster and build a successful long-lasting relationship.

Kayla reflects: “I had a fear of conflict growing up because my parents used to argue loudly and threaten to break up. When I was 16, they finally did but a lot of damage was done. I definitely have trust issues. At least I trust that Michael is willing to deal with things without leaving. Our arguments always end quickly. I’m the one that tends to hold a grudge but I’m learning to let go of resentment toward Mark.”

According to author Marcia Naomi Berger, many couples believe that if a marriage is healthy, all issues get resolved because they should be successful at repairing disputes. She writes: “Simply put, it is not the presence of conflict that stresses the relationship; it’s the manner in which the couple responds. Positive, respectful communication about differences helps keep a marriage thriving.” Berger’s view is that differences between partners can make a marriage stronger. In fact, she advises couples to learn to live with unsolvable differences in their relationship as long as they aren’t deal breakers.

For instance, some problems in a relationship never get resolved because both people dig their heels in and are unable to listen to each other. As a result, partners are unable to get their point across. This is one of the reasons why Dr. Gottman’s research finds that 69% of problems in a marriage do not get resolved, but they can be managed successfully if couples have repair skills.

This evidence demonstrates the advantages of using conflict as an opportunity for growth. When each partner approaches one another as an equal, working through some conflicts can nourish rather than drain a relationship. Other times, a couple might agree just to let things go and repair hurt feelings later. They might accept that a compromise can’t be reached because their viewpoints are so vastly different.

Most of the time, couples who have a commitment to each other can work on trying to repair conflicts. The key is acceptance of one another and a willingness to understand that we are not carbon copies of one another and so see the world through different lenses. A recovery conversation means being able to take a break when you get flooded or very aggravated at your partner, and agreeing to process what happened later when you are both calm.

Fortunately, as Mark and Kayla continued in couples counseling, they were able to come to terms with the fact that in a good marriage, constructive conflicts can clear the air and actually lead to more intimacy. They realized that if they didn’t issue ultimatums and made a commitment to love and honor each other in spite of their flaws, they could improve their communication and feel more satisfied with their marriage. Instead of pushing each other to change, they began accepting and loving each other.

Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.

I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry

Uncategorized

conflicts

Marriage

Previous Post

March 20, 2019

How Can I Deal With Infidelity in My Marriage?

Next Post

March 29, 2019 How Stress Impacts Sex in Marriage and How to Rekindle Passion

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Uncategorized

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Who said: "Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you"?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Paul James Peter John