10 Rights That All Children of Divorce Deserve

Last updated on: December 17, 2018 at 7:39 am by Terry Gaspard

10 Rights That All Children of Divorce Deserve 2018-12-17T07:39:48-05:00 Terry Gaspard

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Since I am an adult child of divorce who divorced with two children, I’ve always wondered about the rights of children of divorce. As a result, I interviewed hundreds of adults raised in a divorced homes to learn more about their perspective on this topic.

In fact, my research on children of divorce spans a few decades I’ve been impressed with the wisdom of respondents who are struggling to understand the impact of divorce on their lives and choices so they won’t repeat the past.

By the way, I’m not advocating that children of divorce adopt a victim mentality. I believe that all individuals are responsible for their own behavior and happiness. However, children of divorce often live for many years in situations where they are exposed to far too much conflict, stress, and loss. They often navigate living in the two worlds of divorced parents; and sometimes adjust to living with stepparents and stepsiblings.

10 rights of children of divorce:

The right to love and be loved by both of his/her parents and stepparents without feeling the quilt or disapproval of either of their parents. If he/she decides to show open affection to a stepparent, they don’t deserve to feel badly about this and should be able to choose who they show affection towards or avoid contact with.
The freedom to express their feelings (both positive and negative); and to have parents who listen and validate them. There are a lot of emotions associated with dealing with parental divorce and children need to feel that their parents can provide a safe harbor for them to be themselves and express a wide range of emotional reactions which may come and go into adulthood.
The right to be free of being burdened by their parents’ emotional problems including anger towards their other parent. Most children love both of their parents and feel unnecessarily burdened by hearing about parental conflict or emotional issues stemming from their parents’ divorce or the aftermath. This includes infidelity, abuse, or financial issues. Children of divorce, of all ages, may experience guilt feelings if they aren’t able to love and be close to both of their parents. Elizabeth Marquardt cautions us that some children of divorce grow up too fast and to become “little adults.”
The right not to experience loyalty conflicts or to have to choose one parent over another. With few exceptions, children of divorce are prone to experiencing divided loyalties. This means they believe that if they are close to one parent, they are being disloyal to another. As a result, it’s important for parents to encourage him/her to spend time with the other parent and to show some enthusiasm for their activities and relationship with them.
The right to be kept informed about important schedule changes that impact their life and to have a say in them whenever possible. After divorce, children of divorce adjust better if they have a fairly predictable schedule that they can count on.
The right to be protected from my parents’ anger toward my other parent. To a life that is not filled with conflict or bad-mouthing from either of my parents. Divorce expert Rosalind Sedacca writes: **“**Clearly, while it’s tempting to badmouth Mom or Dad for the way they’ve hurt you in the marriage, venting to the kids puts them in a very uncomfortable position. They love both of their parents and don’t want to hear from you about the ways your ex misbehaved or initiated your divorce.”
A life that allows him/her to choose to go to college and have reasonable financial backing from both of their parents if possible. During many of my interviews of children of divorce, respondents have voiced their complaints about not having the comfort of financial support during their college years. In fact, one thirty-something teacher told me that her dad stopped paying her college tuition and she had to drop out of college until she could save enough to repay her college debt.
The privilege of spending more time with one of his/her parents for special events or occasions without feeling guilty (for leaving the other parent out). Children of divorce should never be made to feel guilty for wanting to spend more time with one of their parents. According to **Rosalind Sedacca, “**Here’s the key point: as a parent you need to understand that when a child expresses love, admiration or respect for their other parent, it doesn’t diminish their love for you.”
The right to spend time with their friends even if it interferes with the parenting plan. As I said earlier, children are not “little adults’ and they benefit from social time with peers to foster their social and emotional development. As a result, parents need to encourage their kids to have plenty of down time and outings with peers – even if it interferes with their time with one or both of their parents.
The right to be a kid and to enjoy his/her status as such! Sedacca writes, “Let them be kids. Never burden them with adult responsibilities or communication. Seek out other families who have experienced divorce as part of a new network. This can provide support and new friends for you as well as your children.”

Children of all ages sense when their parents are cooperating and this will mean the world to them and help them feel calmer and to have fewer divided loyalties. Never bad-mouth your ex in front of your kids or make disparaging comments about them such as “he never pays child support on time,” or “what was she thinking marrying someone who can’t get a decent job.”

After divorce, it’s your responsibility, as a parent, to stop blaming your ex-spouse and recognize that divorce forever pits children (even as adults) between their parents’ two different worlds. It takes practice and skill to encourage resilience in your children by adopting a forgiving mind-set as well as faith and optimism for the future.

With courage and persistence, children of divorce can develop healthy, long-lasting intimate relationships and create a new path towards trusting significant others. In fact, you can go into relationships with your eyes wide open and use your past as an opportunity to pick a partner who is a good match for you. Be sure not to give up your personal power and don’t settle for less than you deserve from intimate partners. I wish you well on your journey of healing, forgiveness, and love!

Follow Terry on Twitter , Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy A Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship was published in January of 2016 by Sourcebooks.

I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry

Uncategorized

children of divorce

Previous Post

December 11, 2018

6 Things Women Can Do to Prevent Divorce

Next Post

December 19, 2018 10 Secrets to a Successful Remarriage

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Uncategorized

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Which city did Paul describe as "a city filled with idols"?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Jerusalem Athens Corinth Rome