How Adult Children of Divorce Can Cope Effectively with Their Parents’ Divorce

Last updated on: September 29, 2018 at 3:19 pm by Terry Gaspard

How Adult Children of Divorce Can Cope Effectively with Their Parents’ Divorce 2018-09-29T15:19:17-04:00 Terry Gaspard

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

In spite of the fact that the so-called “grey divorce” rate more than doubled in the last two decades, there are few guidelines for adult children dealing with their changing family. Many adult children of divorce (ACODS) experience loyalty conflicts because they feel that they have to pick sides. Even if they don’t take sides, they may feel stressed trying to maintain appropriate boundaries — especially if their parents are angry foes.

Truth be told, ACODS may find themselves in plenty of tricky situations that younger children are spared, such as hearing about their parents’ dating life or aspects of their parents’ divorce due to one or both of their parents oversharing.

Other ACODS may feel devastated when they hear the news of their parents’ divorce and wonder why they stayed unhappily married for so many years and may even feel guilty because they believe that they could have done something to stop it.

For instance, Alana, a twentysomething teacher says, “I wish my parents would have split earlier, I survived years of daily arguments and now my parents are divorced, middle-aged, and having a hard time being alone. My mom is lonely and always texting or calling me looking for companionship and my dad stops by my house unannounced a lot. I wish I could have helped them stay together.”

Even if they are in favor of their parents’ breakup because of chronic arguments or abuse, ACODS may be surprised to hear about their split and grieve the loss of their intact family. Over a coffee at a local café, Jason says “My parents were never happy so their divorce wasn’t a total shock, but it feels uncomfortable to spend holidays in two homes and my mom needs more help around the house – stuff that my dad used to do. I feel guilty but I have my own family can can’t always help her.”

Another concern for ACODS is their vulnerability to divorce themselves. According to researcher Paul Amato, they have double the risk of divorce, compared to counterparts raised in intact homes. However, author Elisabeth Joy LaMotte believes that experiencing parental divorce can make you a clear-eyed realist and can enhance your chances of achieving, a successful, long-term relationship. According to LaMotte, if you pay attention to the multiple factors that impacted your parent’s sense of happiness and make good choices in romantic partners, you can build healthier relationships for yourself.

Here are some guidelines for adult children who are dealing with their parents’ divorce:

Maintain healthy boundaries. If one or both of your parents is sharing too much personal information or relying too much on you for support they need to know how you feel. Or, if one parent badmouths the other one, you need to tell them to stop.
Resist being in the middle between your parents. You can be sympathetic if one or both parents ask you to settle a dispute or expect you to be their counselor or mediator. But saying something like “I’m sorry you’re hurting but I need to stay out of this,” will hopefully communicate the message you desire.
Express your feelings calmly and clearly. Daughters in particular may find themselves feeling emotionally upset by the news of their parents’ split. According to Louann Brizendine M.D., women value emotional expression more than men do and their memory is better for emotional memories due to their amygdala being more activated by emotional nuance.
Strive to not let your parents’ divorce define your relationship with them. Enjoy pleasurable activities together and during those times you might say “Let’s not talk about the divorce right now.”
Maintain contact with both extended families. If you want to keep your relationship with both of your parents’ families, be clear with your parents that this is your goal. Gary Neuman, author of “The Long Way Home: The Powerful 4-step Plan for Adult Children of Divorce” says that ACODS can have stronger family bonds than other people because they are more committed to making relationships work. It may provide them with a sense of family and closeness.
Stop comparing your romantic relationships to your parents. Attempt to see yourself as capable of learning from the past, rather than repeating it.
Face your fear of commitment if it exists and embrace the notion that commitment has to be made with some degree of uncertainty. If you wait to make a commitment when you are free of doubts, it will never happen.
Take your time dating someone and make sure that you’ve known them for at least two years to make a lifelong commitment to reduce your risk of divorce.

The good news is that experiencing your parents’ divorce can make you more careful about whom you choose as a partner as an adult. This can emerge as your signature strength. You understand the fragility of love, yet maintain a healthy respect for commitment in your own life.

Follow Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.

I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry

Uncategorized

Previous Post

September 12, 2018

7 Ways to Avoid a Toxic Relationship

Next Post

September 20, 2018 How Do I Take a Chance on Love the Second Time Around?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Uncategorized

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

What did Jeremiah see in his first vision as a young prophet?

Select your answer to see how you score.

A scroll An almond branch A burning coal A lion