Love and Admiration Go Hand in Hand in a Good Marriage

Last updated on: July 9, 2018 at 12:51 pm by Terry Gaspard

Love and Admiration Go Hand in Hand in a Good Marriage 2018-07-09T12:51:37-04:00 Terry Gaspard

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What does it take to make a relationship last? Certainly there are key ingredients for a healthy relationship. But even when these qualities are present, some relationships still end. When I talk to clients and friends who are in happy marriages, most of them start out with how great their partner treats them. Almost universally, “They treat me well” is the first thing out of a person’s mouth. And that’s great. The person you’re in a relationship with should treat you well, and you should expect nothing less. But there needs to be more.

The more is a sense of admiration and appreciation for your significant other’s qualities. In fact, love and admiration go hand in hand and are the hallmark of a healthy intimate relationship or marriage. Expressions made to one another such as “I can’t believe I was so lucky to meet you” and “You are so incredible” can help bring you and your partner closer and lead you to feel valued.

In the late Nathaniel Branden’s book, The Psychology of Romantic Love, he suggested that admiration is the most powerful foundation for a relationship. If you admire your partner, not just for how he or she acts with you, but for how they operate in the world as a whole, it will help to strengthen your love.

If you’re currently in a relationship, take the time to make a list of everything you admire about your partner. If you’re currently single, write the same list for a partner you would like to be with. Remember, you are not writing down his or her actions. You’re writing down their basic, fundamental, human qualities. So you wouldn’t write, “He always remembers to do dishes when I cook,” or “She always pays the bills on time.” You want to write something like, “She’s generous and compassionate.”

If you’re in a relationship, does your list come up short in any areas? Do you admire your partner for the person he or she is? Do you wish that they were different? It’s important to remember that maintaining admiration for your partner does not mean you put him on pedestal. But it does mean that you like and respect who they are and how they carry themselves through the world.

Many relationships end when admiration fades and when people no longer respect their partner. If you can’t respect the way a person lives their life, let alone admire them, it’s hard to keep any relationship going.

If you neglect what matters most, you may lose sight of the foundation of your love. I’ve often found that what I most admire in my partner is what I most lack. While I have a tendency to over plan and schedule, my partner is more spontaneous and fun-loving. His strengths compliment my weaknesses, and vice versa.

The best partner will complement you and bring out your very best. When you are with him or her, you will begin to see untapped possibilities within yourself and in the world. In any relationship, you will face inevitable hard times and your love will be challenged by the stresses and storms of life. Reflect on any relationship that has ended, and you’ll probably find that you lost admiration for each other.

4 ways to step up love and admiration:

Gain awareness. It’s a good idea to ask yourself: What does it take to make a relationship last? Love? Respect? Passion? An ability to forgive? Kindness? Certainly these are key ingredients for a healthy relationship and if they are missing, gain awareness of which ones are a priority for you and then focus on those.
Talk to your partner about ways to foster love and admiration such as complimenting each other and spending more time together. Be sure to do as much listening as talking.
Come up with an action plan. For instance, if you don’t do enough fun things together come up with a list of activities you both enjoy and make a commitment to do two of them each month for the next three months. Then discuss which ones worked best for you.
Cultivate ways to collect positive experiences and memories. For instance, if you both enjoy traveling, plan a trip – even for a weekend. Take photos and frame them or post them for all to see – as signs of your mutual admiration and love.

Truth be told, mutual admiration is a hallmark of mature love. It is something not simply arrived on by chance, but actively cultivated. It’s important to focus on what you admire in the people you love deeply. For each and every one of you, I wish for love to be sustained in your lives, and for admiration to flourish.

Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website.

I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry

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