Buddhist Catholic Contemplative Evangelical General Christian Hindu Jewish Latter-day Saint Muslim New Visions Progressive Christian

Beliefs

Topics

Columnists

Resource Library

Research Tools

Video

Podcasts

Thought Readers

Faith In Media Tracker

Newsletters

Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In Subscription Support

Follow Patheos

Home
Family, Parenting and Religion
Should I Accept My Husband’s Betrayal and Apology?

Should I Accept My Husband’s Betrayal and Apology?

Last updated on: May 15, 2018 at 12:52 pm by Terry Gaspard

Should I Accept My Husband’s Betrayal and Apology? 2018-05-15T12:52:35-04:00 Terry Gaspard

LOGO Patheos Explore the world's faith through different perspectives on religion and spirituality! Patheos has the views of the prevalent religions and spiritualities of the world.

Dear Terry,

My marriage has been a challenge from the beginning. My husband Ben and I are both in our late forties and come from dysfunctional families. His parents’ divorced when he was eight and his dad left and never looked back. While my parents’ stayed together, our house was like a war zone and I never knew what to expect. My siblings and I are close but I don’t see my parents much.

I want my marriage to Ben to be different and I know that he loves me. The problem is that he made a big mistake. After the birth of our daughter Ashley, age two, he had a brief affair with someone at his office that lasted a few months. He feels very guilty about this and has apologized. I was tried from giving birth and dealt with postpartum depression for several months after Ashley was born. I was rejecting of Ben sexually for a while and he turned to a co-worker for support. He ended it suddenly and says he wants our marriage to work. But I’m still angry at him and have lost trust. I want to get back on track and feel secure and loving again. Do I accept his apology? If so, how do I move on?

All My Best,

Kendra

Dear Kendra,

Is it possible for you to rebuild trust after your partner has betrayed you? Certainly the loss of the relationship you envisioned for yourself can cause intense rage, jealousy, and sadness. Clearly, you have suffered a wound and need to take a step back in order to build a new, loving relationship with Ben based on trust and mutual respect.

For the most part, people who have survived betrayal go through the stages of grief and loss including: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In many cases, coping with betrayal can be so painful that survivors can benefit from individual, couple, and/or group therapy. Being able to express sad feelings in a safe environment can facilitate healing and reduce stress.

If you decide to stay with Ben, you must examine your values and intentions – with a goal of rebuilding trust. After all, it takes time to regain trust and it happens in degrees. Over time, Ben must be able to restore your confidence in him by showing trustworthiness through consistency between his words and actions.

On the other hand, you may decide that divorce is the only option. Divorce is typically a painful process for all involved. Knowing that Ben had an affair and assessing the degree of seriousness and the threats that it poses to your marriage, can help you to make a decision about continuing in the relationship.

The following steps summarized from The Gottmans’ Trust Revival Method in What Makes Love Last can help you recommit to a healthy, trusting relationship after Ben’s infidelity if you choice to stay married:

Phase 1: Atone

During “Phase 1” Ben must express remorse. Rebuilding a relationship after infidelity is not possible without this action, according to Dr. John Gottman.

Honesty and Full Disclosure

It is critical that Ben understands your feelings and accepts responsibility without defensiveness. There can’t be anymore secrets after he confesses. While full disclosure is painful, it allows for transparency, verification, and vulnerability.

Couples healing from the pain of infidelity need to gain insight into what went wrong without accusing the wounded partner. While it’s true that some partners will feel angry, hurt, and betrayed when they learn their love interest has done something unacceptable to them, honestly confronting issues is the best way to foster trust and intimacy with a partner.

No “Second Chance” and Forgiveness

The person who is unfaithful must put an end to the affair and end all contact with his or her lover. This no “second chance” rule may seem harsh but it’s a huge disincentive to straying. Ben must be willing to take this crucial step before you can move on to “Phase 2” of the process of rebuilding trust.

Phase 2: Attune

The second phase, attunement, is only possible when both partners are moving ahead with tentative forgiveness and ready to rebuild your relationship without blaming. During this phase, you must make a commitment to learning how to handle conflict so that it doesn’t overwhelm you.

Additionally, a critical part of phase 2 is that Ben must now decide to make your relationship a priority. As part of this new commitment to cherish each other, you must alert the people closest to you that you are recommitted to rebuilding trust and also ask for support.

Phase 3: Attach

Attaching, the final phase of this model, is about being willing to reconnect with Ben by risking physical intimacy. If you’re determined to stay together, the ability to attune must reach the bedroom as well.

Asking for forgiveness and granting it to your partner are the most powerful actions you can take to come to terms with infidelity. They are important ways to let go of your relationship baggage so that you can both heal and move on with your lives. When you forgive, you give yourself permission to live an abundant life and to free yourself from the resentments of the past.

Follow Terry on Twitter , Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy A Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship was published in January of 2016 by Sourcebooks.

I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry

Previous Post

May 14, 2018

6 Ways to Apologize to Your Partner and Repair Your Marriage

Next Post

May 23, 2018 Should Parents Stay in an Unhappy Marriage for the Kids?

Browse Our Archives

Select a Category Uncategorized

Select a Month October 2026 September 2026 August 2026 July 2026 June 2026 May 2026 April 2026 March 2026 February 2026 January 2026 December 2025 November 2025 October 2025 September 2025 August 2025 July 2025 June 2025 May 2025 April 2025 March 2025 February 2025 January 2025 December 2024 November 2024 October 2024 September 2024 August 2024 July 2024 June 2024 May 2024 April 2024 March 2024 February 2024 January 2024 December 2023 November 2023 October 2023 September 2023 August 2023 July 2023 June 2023 May 2023 April 2023 March 2023 February 2023 January 2023 December 2022 November 2022 October 2022 September 2022 August 2022 July 2022 June 2022 May 2022 April 2022 March 2022 February 2022 January 2022 December 2021 November 2021 October 2021 September 2021 August 2021 July 2021 June 2021 May 2021 April 2021 March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 October 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 March 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019 November 2019 October 2019 September 2019 August 2019 July 2019 June 2019 May 2019 April 2019 March 2019 February 2019 January 2019 December 2018 November 2018 October 2018 September 2018 August 2018 July 2018 June 2018 May 2018 April 2018

TAKE THE

Religious Wisdom Quiz

Which disciple walked on water toward Jesus?

Select your answer to see how you score.

Matthew Andrew Peter James