the problem with “I did it, they can too”

Last updated on: January 23, 2017 at 11:36 pm by Rebecca Bratten Weiss

the problem with “I did it, they can too” 2017-01-23T23:36:20-04:00 Rebecca Bratten Weiss

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“I did it, so they can too” – how often do we hear this, whether it’s about weight loss, or paying one’s way, or escaping from abuse, or raising a child alone? The words may sometimes be intended as encouragement, but they can also imply disdain, as though the person who is overweight / poor / stuck / abortive just isn’t trying hard enough. This attitude is associated with denigration of those who are on some form of public assistance, especially: as though they are needy, the takers of the world, leeches, moochers, what have you.

But often, those who say these things are themselves dependent: on family, on inherited good health, on networks of reliable friends, on their spouse’s income. They might pretend that they are self-sufficient and independent, that they pulled themselves up from wherever by their bootstraps – but in reality most people are more connected than we like to admit.

I’d like to share this reminder, from Kristen Johnson, not to be in denial of one’s own good fortune – not to let one’s prosperity turn to arrogance:

A word to the fortunate, who think themselves self-made, and who are sure that being good, smart, and hard-working is what keeps them fortunate:

Bad stuff — sometimes deadly bad stuff — happens to good, smart, hard-working people all the time. That doesn’t mean they’re not good, smart, and hard-working — maybe even more so than the fortunate! It means that suffering finds everyone, be it sickness, job loss, abuse, abandonment, death of a breadwinner, or whatever.

Maybe you have been able to scrape together a nest egg (or inherited it!) and maybe a cushioned and steel-strong safety net of family and friends is there for you. Maybe you earned it or maybe you just lucked out. Either way, lots of people can’t save money because they’re not even able to cover life’s most basic expenses because their employer doesn’t pay a living wage or their kid’s life-saving medicine costs so much or whatever. Either way, some folks come from physically or emotionally abusive families, or are homebound with special-needs and can’t get out to form friendships, or whatever, and are alone on a tightrope. No one will catch them if they fall because abusers make lousy family and friendships go unmade.

If your response to these is braggadocio and insult (“Let them do what I did. I never waited for anyone to help me!”), know that you have been more fortunate than most, and you will almost certainly learn it the hard way when your suffering inevitably comes. Also, if you are a Christian, know that this is pretty much the opposite of Christ’s example and Church teaching, and is a false gospel (the “prosperity gospel” that if you are good, you’ll be rich, but if you’re bad, you’ll be poor, so rich people are good and poor people are bad).

We all need to do what we can to help each other. That’s what we’re here for. A life lived just looking-out for oneself is a pretty poor life, even if you have money.

This is relevant for so many areas of life. In my case, I have always found it easy to write (that’s why I am a babbling blogger) – and marveled at what I perceived as laziness or stupidity in fellow students who struggled with essay requirements, or could never get anything in on time. It was hard for me to remember that any talent I had in that area was a gift, and that even when I worked hard on developing my skills, I had my mother’s excellent and rigorous instruction to thank for it. Now that I am a teacher myself, I am remiss in my vocation if I look with mockery and disdain at poor student essays, or students who are chronically late with their work. If I’ve been given a gift, it’s my obligation to pass it on, as best I can.

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